Stuck in Second Gear

Adrienne couldn't tell if Selwyn's reaction was built out of surprise or fear of some sort, and she was about to pull away because she worried that perhaps she had crossed an unspoken boundary of his. But his arms curled around her and she relaxed into his embrace.

When he spoke, her first thought was of Asher, and how she hoped it wasn't him. Adrienne couldn't tell if that was selfish or not, but the thought kept her from registering the deep inhale of breath. In truth, the thought flashed through her mind that, so long as it wasn't her brother, she didn't care. But that felt almost cruel, so her eyebrows pulled together at her own self. It was only then that she realized she hadn't moved or replied.

"I... I'm not one to take sides when it comes to factions," she began slowly, pausing to take a breath. "But I don't think it's wrong to feel that way if they have done something to earn it. If not, of course, I would be a bit worried. I just want to believe that I have put my trust in someone who knows the difference," she concluded, lifting her head enough to look up at him and set her chin on his chest in place of her cheek.

"If you tell me that he deserves it, I'll accept it. I won't suggest that you go do anything about it, because that would be dangerous and scary, even for me just knowing you've decided to. So, please don't go and do that. But please know that you can have faith in me, too. I want to be here for you," she told him. "Merlin knows what's headed my way once the papers get to his door, but until then, I'm here and I want to be here, and I want you to feel comfortable with that."

This was too much.  Selwyn squirmed away from her.

"The Death Eaters aren't just another group of pureblood supremacists," he told her.  "People don't get to be Death Eaters if they're not willing to kill for it."

"I can't tell you he did anything, or that he was planning anything.  I can't say I was willing to even hear him out.  But you must remember what it was like when they attacked the school.  They deliberately target innocents, Addie!"

His hands weren't even running through his hair anymore, they were just pulling at it in frustration.  And Selwyn's eyes were now fixed to the floor as he spoke because there were too many reflective surfaces in this room and he kept catching glimpses of himself looking more and more unhinged.

"I admit I panicked.  I think I was still having a panic attack when I got back.  There's no way any Death Eater hasn't already killed, but you won't get me to say anyone deserves to die.  It was purely a matter of logic."

He looked at her again.

"He was in the Order headquarters.  He knew too much, and he was clearly delighted about the whole thing.  Killing him was the simplest solution.  The Order is full of people who refuse to kill except in defence."

"I want peace more than anything, Addie, and I can't have it if we never take an offensive position against the Death Eaters.  So you see why I need to take a side."

She flinched slightly as he broke away, but she too stepped back until she hit the edge of the sink, her hands coming up in a sort of apologetic, mock-surrender gesture. They remained in the air for a moment before her fingers curled into her palms and she dropped them to her sides. Apparently, that was not the way to go when it came to trying to help him. Then again, Adrienne had actually never been as skilled as she wanted to be when it came to making people feel better. Book smarts she had, more or less, but social skills were not necessarily her forte. Hence, perhaps, her loveless marriage, built out of necessity or otherwise.

She released a sigh but listened to him even as she stared at the floor, where her toes tapped silently against the tile over and over. She was supposed to respond now. She knew she was. But while she understood his stance and his fear, and knew what he was referring to in their past, she didn't know enough about the dynamic of the Order to argue either way.

In the end, all she could come up with was, "okay. I'm sorry that... you had to deal with that. And I'm sorry it hit you so hard," she added, her chin still down towards her chest. "I'm also sorry I can't be of any help. Perhaps you should talk to whoever is in charge? Maybe they will see things your way."

Her shoulder lifted in a half shrug, and she let herself trail off, wanting to keep some of her thoughts to herself. After all, she had just rambled at him and all that had come out of it was his getting more upset at her. Babbling on again wouldn't help anyone. So she bit the inside of her cheek and just hoped that, whatever this was, it wouldn't affect him forever.

Selwyn snorted.  

"Unlikely," he replied.  "He's already given me a lecture about bravery and not needing to be on the front lines if I'm too scared."

"Ugh, come on."

He ushered her to the door.

"You shouldn't be sorry.  I should be sorry, lumping you with all this.  It's not your job to deal with my problems."

"You want pizza?  We can veg out and watch terrible reality TV."

Adrienne peeked up at him, disappointed that her idea want going to do him any good. But he had already tried, it seemed, so perhaps that was actually a good sign; they were more or less on the same page, in some ways.

"I thought the new guy was a Hufflepuff?" She asked suddenly, surprised by the whole 'bravery' topic. Maybe their leader was starting to feel the pressures of actually trying to corral a group of people. Adrienne hadn't been Head Girl or anything, but she had done enough group-based work to know how irritating that could be.

Still, she was slightly bemused by his sudden change. She took it as his way of redirecting his focus, though, and decided to humor him. "That sounds fine," she agreed, starting towards the door and out into the hallway. As she reached the stairs and began her descent, she tossed a last comment over her shoulder before lifting her shoulders and trying to appear ready to lighten the mood.

"For the record, I don't mind listening. Not after everything you've done for me."

"Yes," Selwyn replied, "though I wouldn't say he's really new or exactly in charge. I think Jack might still be holding the reins somehow."

"But how did you know that? Have you seen Audriana recently? She's dangerous, you know."

However, the last words weren't delivered with much conviction. Selwyn doubted Audriana was dangerous to anyone who didn't stand in her way. Adrienne was an unlikely target.

"I just think this whole thing ever since Voldemort died has become an unending cycle," he said as he followed. "I joined the Order mainly because they seemed like the way forward. I mean, they're supposed to be the good guys. But I think it's getting to the point where we expect to go on living in a dystopia."

Selwyn pulled his wand from his pocket, dialled the number for the nearest pizza joint and then flicked a spell at the phone, pushing their order to the front of the queue.

"I heard the French Ministry's training their arithmancers in coding these days. Only a matter of time before we get proper internet, Thank God."

"I haven't heard a great deal about her recently, but from what I know, I'd wager she's holding onto it, even if he wants to lead the way," Adrienne mused. Of course, it wasn't as though she had ever met Jack, or even so much as knew the current 'leader's name. But word did tend to get around among certain groups.

When he asked about Audriana, she frowned, her eyebrows pulling together. "No, not recently. But she and Ben came into the Prophet a few times about the articles," she explained, a little bitterness coming through in her tone. They had ruined her job, without even thinking twice. How could she not be furious with them? "I haven't seen either of them since the last one."

She couldn't disagree with him about the ideals their community seemed to hold. "I could see that, yeah. I guess it's just hard for people to label themselves as Good, but then go around attacking. It's like they've forgotten the fact that troublemakers started the Order to begin with. That they've lost sight of the gray area in between. I don't think there's really a Good or an Evil anymore. Our world is far too mixed up for that."

She let herself fall into the comfort of his couch as he ordered, looking up at the information he offered by way of subject change. "Merlin, can you even imagine? I know some of us use Muggle devices here and there now, but talk about a step forward."

Selwyn settled onto the other end of the couch, pulling his feet up under himself.

"Of course there's a good and evil," he refuted. "There probably aren't good and evil people, but good and evil are perfectly valid as ideals. That's the problem with Gryffindors, they think they can force people into moulds."

"Hell, look at Old Dumbledore. If the books are right, he spent most of his moulding people to his ideals. From the sounds of it, part of the reason Riddle went psycho was because he refused to play Dumbledore's little game."

Selwyn was silent a moment as he considered what he'd just said.

"Do you think," he said slowly, "that maybe the Wizarding World needs someone like that?"

"Like, maybe it wasn't Voldemort's death. Maybe it was Dumbledore's. Maybe we need someone to tell us what to do. And Merlin knows Lupin's shite at playing the long game."

"I mean, when you get down to it, Dumbles and Voldie were very similar people."

"Well," she returned gently, "I was referring to people as well, but I agree."

She took a moment to think over his question as well, unsure how to phrase the reply she wanted to give. His idea wasn't a bad one, per se, but it relied upon their picking one person to dictate good and bad, and their ability to pick someone reliable. Adrienne wasn't so sure that their society was equipped to do so successfully.

"Honestly? ... I don't. And you're welcome to disagree with me," she said quickly, turning in her seat to face him, "but this is just how I see it. I mean, if Voldemort is an example of what comes from someone who, as Dumbledore was said to be, is our image of a great man, then I don't really want any part of that. I think it's impossible to successfully put all of the power or responsibility on one man's shoulders.

"I mean, look at the Muggles' royalty! The women didn't have the access they needed to be powerful rulers half the time, though some obviously did their fair share of work. But the men had all of that power and then still managed to be unhappy. They still had scandal, and were still corrupt or adulterers or waged wars unnecessarily. Why should we expect that to be different when we put one person up to decide for us?

"And, for that matter, look at the Greeks. They had that sort of town hall feel, and although - again - it was men with land, and therefore money. But they talked it through, they had a vote perhaps or a discussion. If we had a sort of round table type of government, perhaps people wouldn't have as many chances to be angry with Lupin. Does that make sense? I don't know, really. For example, if there were five people or seven people, there would always be a majority in a vote. And if that didn't represent the way we feel, we could tell those voting members to get lost. It feels a little silly to think our Minister is expected to make all of the decisions on his own, when a system like that still allows for one main representative. One person to give the verdict and make the deciding vote and all of that."

Realizing she had gone on an on about it, Adrienne's cheeks colored and she glanced down at her knees. "I mean, I don't exactly know a lot about leading anyone," she clarified, looking back up at him. "I don't think anyone would bother to consider it even if I said something. Even if I wanted to change things, nobody would listen to someone like me. My life is far too messy."

Selwyn giggled at her reaction. It was so passionate.

"Merlin, what are we going to do with you?" he replied, as he shuffled around to rest his chin on the heel of his hand.

"In the muggle world, my proper title is The Much Honoured Selwyn Thorfinn of Glencoe," he said airily.

"So I could give you some pointers, if leading is a thing you're interested in," he went on. "I do own, like, three villages. That's why everyone's so intent of getting me hitched. The next generation need to be born and bred."

This conversation had mutated into something quite relaxing. Almost nobody in the wizarding world knew about the Thorfinns' status in the muggle world, and they liked it that way. Selwyn had quite the ego, and he was enjoying telling Adrienne about it.

He leaned toward her.

"Hmmm?"