Shipper on Deck

*A red curtain is pulled back, revealing two people sitting on a large red sofa. One is a teenage boy with short blonde hair, his feet propped up on the coffee table in front of the sofa. He’s wearing a casual suit with a blue tie done loosely around his neck. The other is a blonde woman, thirty-ish, wearing a stylish white dress with an ornate jeweled necklace. She sits properly, primly, her legs crossed and her hands folded on top of her knee. They both smile and wave to the camera.*

BOY: Hello again, everyone. I’m Keith.
WOMAN: And I’m Sandra. And this is-
AUDIENCE: SHIPPER ON DECK.
KEITH: Season Two.

*A brief montage of pictures flashes across the screen, with cheesy music playing over them. Many of them are recognizable as stills from last season – Keith and Sandra interviewing Samantha, or Morgan and Noah during their stint as cohosts. Others are more generic, featuring Keith and Sandra sitting around laughing. In the final picture, Sandra sits on top of a large heart with an arrow through it while Keith finishes spray-painting the words Shipper on Deck inside it. They both turn towards the camera, posing and smiling.*

*Cut back to Keith and Sandra on the couch. The audience is clapping and cheering like crazy, most likely because they’re being told to. Keith and Sandra are smiling easily.*

KEITH: Ah, it’s good to be back.
SANDRA: We’ll be completely honest, Potter’s Army, we’ve missed being here. Hanging out with you guys, recreating high school melodrama, skewering relationships.
KEITH: I’m pretty sure that somebody famous said that all things must come to an end, but obviously that somebody had never heard of reasonably successful network television.
SANDRA: Just look at How I Met Your Mother! Nine seasons strong and a spinoff in the future.
KEITH: Really? I can’t wait!
SANDRA: Neil Patrick Harris won’t be in the spinoff.
KEITH: Never mind then.
SANDRA: Yeah, we’re all disappointed.
KEITH: But look at us, rambling on about shows that actually exist. We’ve yet to properly welcome you to season two!
SANDRA: It’s newer, it’s shinier, its got an even less motivated writing team. We’re expecting big things
KEITH: As we should! After all, we’ve got a hell of a show planned for you today.
SANDRA: It seems, during our between seasons absence, you’ve stolen our footage and voted for an official favorite couple.
KEITH: Oh, Thaor, you thought we’d never return to sue you for copyright infringement. How wrong you were.
SANDRA: We here at Shipper on Deck are no strangers to the legal system, but this might be the first time we’re not being accused of anything ludicrously illegal.
KEITH: Lies and slander, of course.
SANDRA: Of course. We at the show are nothing if not responsible.

*Audience laughs.*

KEITH: Wow, that wasn’t actually a joke.
SANDRA: I’m pretty sure the fact that we’re still on air is a joke.
KEITH: Gotta get the laughs somehow.
SANDRA: Anyway, the best couple vote. In a stunning result that probably surprised some people, Kieran and Melissa Hayes edged out Jack Dyllan and Maximus Morrison by a single vote.
KEITH: Is it upsetting that out of those four people, we really only know who Jack is?
SANDRA: No, I’m pretty sure that makes us the aloof, stoic veterans. You know, the kind of person that terrified us when we first joined.
KEITH: Oooh, I always wanted to be one of those guys. In my day, we had to RP uphill. In the snow. Both ways.
SANDRA: Since we had no idea what the deal with Kieran and Melissa was, we put our best detectives on the case. Which really means we just messaged them and demanded the story, because our writer is lazy like that.
KEITH: If the shoe fits…
SANDRA: Quite.
KEITH: The marriage. In a move that will no doubt terrify and infuriate Sandra, Melissa was married at the ripe old age of seventeen.

*He casts a sidelong glance at Sandra, who seems unconcerned.*

SANDRA: I’ve been going through anger management.
KEITH: You’re on a shit-ton of drugs, aren’t you?
SANDRA: That too.
KEITH: Well, it was ordered by the government, so you can give her a bit of leeway in that direction.
SANDRA: Oh yes, I’m thrilled by the fact the Ministry of Magic is forcing minors to get married. That really makes me much more appreciative of the whole idea.
KEITH: I’m getting a lot of sarcasm here.
SANDRA: I can’t imagine why.

*Keith turns back to the camera.*

KEITH: Melissa was a bright young Hogwarts student, and wasn’t too thrilled about the idea of the marriage law on a philosophical level. But she was a very devoted member of the Ministry, and so went along with the plot.
SANDRA: Kieran, on the other hand, was a bright young Hogwarts professor, optimistic and determined not to flirt with any students.
KEITH: Being completely serious here, it says so in his bio.
SANDRA: Specifically. Those exact words.
KEITH: This, Kieran, is what we call tempting fate. What you then got hit with was a healthy dose of dramatic irony.
SANDRA: We’ve all been there. Try to roll with the punches. It’s better than kidnapping, at least.
KEITH: Now, the fact that Kieran was Melissa’s professor probably should’ve set off some alarm bells, but since Melissa didn’t really care for class they had never really established the power structure that makes such relationships issue-prone.
SANDRA: Remember kids, cutting class can help you in the long run!
KEITH: Though the beginning of their relationship was described as only “semi-amicable” by one of the involved parties-
SANDRA: –We’re assuming that means the sex wasn’t so great.
KEITH: Over time, their relationship has strengthened and grown. Which is nice, we guess.
SANDRA: A little creepy, but nice nonetheless.
KEITH: There was a little road bump in the form of Kieran making out with a drunken Avery Ivanov, but hey, what are you expecting?
SANDRA: It’s Potter’s Army. If the worst thing your marriage has had to face is a forced marriage and some drunken hookups, you’re basically experiencing marital bliss.
KEITH: I mean, nobody’s been killed, nobody’s suddenly turning evil…
SANDRA: Nobody’s a vampire, or a werewolf, or a ghost, or a Death Eater…
KEITH: Nobody’s being psychologically tortured, or raped…
SANDRA: Everyone’s old enough to have legal sex, which is actually not a given when talking about Potters Army marriages…
KEITH: Not even a kidnapping.
SANDRA: In the old days, they never would’ve gotten this far without some kind of kidnapping.
KEITH: Kids these days.
SANDRA: They just don’t understand.
KEITH: So Kieran, Melissa. We here at Shipper on Deck salute you.
SANDRA: Go out and make the best of your relationship. Life, lemons, lemonade. All that.
KEITH: Try not to let the lemons get kidnapped.
SANDRA: Keith, the lemons are just metaphors.
KEITH: Then try not to let them get metaphorically kidnapped?
SANDRA: Good enough for my pay.
KEITH: Wait, you get paid?
SANDRA: And that’s all folks! I’m Sandra.
KEITH: No, wait, why don’t I get paid?
SANDRA: And that’s Keith. And you’ve been listening to…
KEITH: This is child abuse, isn’t it? I’m gonna sue the shit out of this network.
SANDRA: Shipper on Deck!

*The curtains close. It occurs to everyone viewing that this has all been a massive waste of time.*

*Keith and Sandra reappear, standing in a featureless white room.*

KEITH: Now, to try and keep Shipper on Deck Season Two running smoothly...
SANDRA: Which is probably a lost cause, but hey...
KEITH: We're asking you, our viewers, to vote for your favorite ship.
SANDRA: New or old, the weirder the better! All we ask is that you don't vote for a ship we've already done.
KEITH: You can reach the list of old episodes by clicking the dope banner in my signature.
SANDRA: Have a good time, and please vote responsibly.

*Fade to black.*

Always the bridesmaid.

:'D
^my face right now