Shipper On Deck

Warning: For mature audiences only.

*A red curtain is quickly drawn back, revealing a large red sofa. Two people sit on the sofa, one a small, young blonde boy in a casual suit. The other is an older woman, also blonde, who wears a stylish black dress. A tattoo can be seen on her left arm. They both smile and wave to the camera*

KEITH: Hey folks. I'm Keith.
SANDRA: And I'm Sandra. And this is-
BOTH: SHIPPER ON DECK!

*A brief montage of pictures play, mostly Keith and Sandra laughing. In the final picture, Keith lounges on top of a giant heart with an arrow through it while Sandra finishes Spray painting the words Shipper on Deck in the middle. The both pose and smile towards the camera. The frame freezes, and the words BACK FROM HIATUS are scrawled across the screen.*

*We return to the studio, where Keith is waving enthusiastically to the crowd.*

KEITH: You thought it was over, didn't you?
SANDRA: You thought we were gone.
KEITH: Well I hate to tell you now boy,
SANDRA: But you were dead wrong!
KEITH:....
SANDRA: I hate this job.
KEITH: *sighs* Well, after a brief hiatus, due to our head writer having schoolwork,
SANDRA: And just being generally lazy,
KEITH: We have returned! And we're funnier, edgier, wittier, and more underfunded than ever before!

*Crowd cheers*

SANDRA: Keith, we really do have a show to do.
KEITH: But what shall the ship be?

*The wall behind the two begins to split in two, smoke pouring out of the opening. The crowd goes wild as a huge wheel comes into view.

SANDRA: Courtesy of Coca-Cola, Shipper on Deck would like to present the Wheel of Love! Coke! Enjoy Happiness!
KEITH: Wait wait wait...I thought the deal with Coke was that they didn't get any product placement in exchange for all our commercial time.
SANDRA: It is. Of course, they also got to name the wheel.
KEITH: You don't mean...
SANDRA: *Grimaces* Yep. The actual name of the wheel is: The Wheel of Love! Coke! Enjoy Happiness!
KEITH: Sneaky bastards....
SANDRA: *nods* anyway, on topic. Our ships will now be chosen...completely randomly...by this wheel!
KEITH: *Smiles widely* It's not rigged at all! We swear!
SANDRA: So step right up and spin spin spin The Wheel of Love! Coke! Enjoy Happiness!
KEITH: That's gonna get annoying fast.
SANDRA: *Stands and spins the wheel. The audience gasps in breathless anticipation*

*The screen fades black.*

AD: Coca-Cola! Enjoy Happiness! With jut one can of coke you'll-

*The screen fades back, revealing Keith's angry face shoved into the camera*

KEITH: WELL YOU CAN TELL COKE TO TAKE THEIR AGREEMENT AND SHOVE IT- Oh. We're back on. *He waves to the edge of the room* Good job guys! We're back on!
SANDRA: And you'll never guess who the wheel has *coughcouhg*not*coughcough* randomly chosen!

*The camera zooms into the wheel which says in big letters: JACK AND VITO, B****

KEITH: You monster!
SANDRA: *sighs* At least she isn't getting married for the second time.
KEITH: THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE ! HOW DOES THIS EVEN COUNT AS A SHIP?!
SANDRA: Keith, calm down. There are weird people out there. I mean, some people actually ship Brienne/Daniel.
KEITH: *Snickers*
SANDRA: *Starts giggling* I'm sorry I just can't say it with a straight face....

*Screen fades to black, where large white letters appear*
NOTICE: The views and opinions expressed on the show are those of the hosts and not necessarily those of the ShipperOnDeck executives, owners, or writing staff. Thank you.
*Screen fades back in*

KEITH: I'm still outraged.
SANDRA: Yes, yes, we all know you ship Jack/Eli.
KEITH: And Amelia/Eli
SANDRA: You basically just ship everyone with Eli don't you?
KEITH: *shrugs* If the shoe fits...

SANDRA: Right. Anyway, Jack/Vito. Jito.
KEITH: Vack?
SANDRA: Jato?
KEITH: This is so the best part of our job.
SANDRA: Agreed. Jato it s.
KEITH: One of the more nonsensical ships on the site, Jato is...disturbingly...gaining ground quite quickly.
SANDRA: Yes. Despite Vito having done nothing but physically, mentally, and emotionally torture Jack, Jato is still going strong.
KEITH: *touches his ear* Am I getting this right? Vito raped Jack's mom? People ship this?
SANDRA: *Shrugs* Some people are into that I guess...

*Screen fades to black, where large white letters appear*
NOTICE: The views and opinions expressed on the show are those of the hosts and not necessarily those of the ShipperOnDeck executives, owners, or writing staff. Thank you.
*Screen fades back in*

KEITH: But...who even thinks about that, much less puts in on a public forum?
SANDRA: Shhh, we're back on.
KEITH: Er. Yes. Anyway, apparently people seem to think that out of this hatred with bloom a love so strong, even the fact that Vito isn't precisely alive won't stop it....
SANDRA: My only love sprung from my only hate; too early unknown and known too late.
KEITH: Are you quoting shakespeare at me? Dammit woman, didn't I tell you not to do that? it messes with mah swag.
SANDRA: I was going to have a witty reply, but that was the stupidest thing I've ever heard. So I think I'll save it.
KEITH: Dis, right here, is my, swag.
SANDA: *Smacks him* Jato shippers are an odd, but fiercely delusional...I mean, loyal bunch.
KEITH: Which means they'll all support each other when they wind up in mental hospitals.
SANDRA: They're also patient...
KEITH: Because with a ship like that, you'd have to be. I hope they're not holding their breath.
SANDRA: Keith, don't you understand? It doesn't matter that you don't like the ship. A ship like Jato is what makes shipping great. People will find two characters they love, and they want those characters to be with each other. To love each other. If we couldn't ship the crazy couples, the crack like Jato or Nemantha or Kandra-
KEITH: I hate fangirls...
SANDRA: The what would be the point of shipping? Everyone would get along, and nobody would have anything to discuss. "Oh, I think x and y are going to get together" "Thats great, I think w and z are going to live happily ever after." No! It doesn't work like that! Shipping is an act of passion...we argue for hours over which fictional character is going to hook up with which fictional character, and it's a magical thing! *turns to the camera* So I salute you, Jato shippers. Ye of stout hearts and damaged minds. You are what makes shipping great.
KEITH: You know what-
SANDRA: Silence. That was an awesome speech and want to end on it. No go.
KEITH: Fine...See you next time! I'm Keith!
SANDRA: And I'm Sandra. And this is...
BOTH: SHIPPER ON DECK!