by Miseria Lupin Sun Jan 17, 2010 2:15 pm
I can't understand why I have to pretend always like everything is fine? I know that people who are surrounding me are curious and they are trying to help, but I can't always tell them what I feel.
But there are few persons for who I am ready to act like world is a perfect place. I can smile just to make them feel happy and fill the world with warmth again. Josh and Khaat. They are both those for who I could give my life away just to make them feel comfortable!
However, after my parent's death, I can't even imagine how I am managing to play this soft and warm girl? I am praying every night and morning for my mother and father to feel better wherever they are, although, i can't live with the knowledge that I wasn't there, in Transylvania. We could've died together and I wouldn't be cured anymore. But it seemed that the world (what I already hate), wants me in it's own hands to keep me alive somehow. And then Khaat adopted me. I didn't know much about her by the time but I call her mother from now on. She's the one who gave me new reason to live and new reason to be happy about the supporting family. I really love her, and I wish I could give her something back. She's really caring about people who are around her. She's different, not like the others I've met.
But it was all so beautiful to last long. How to describe it? With list? Alright, first of all then:
- I have nightmares. They are hunting me since my parent's death and nothing is helping against them.
- I don't know how or why - I tryed to commit a suicide by drowning in the lake (luckily one Slytherin was near but he fell in with me. Elijah Krum was his name. I am really thankful to him. Also to Jack Blackheart and Khaat. They managed to take us to the hospital wing.)
- And worst of all - I am pregnant.
I still can't get over the last one. I'm only fifteen and according to Katherine's words (my new grandmother), I will be mother in august. I don't know should I keep baby or not. I'm afraid of getting rid of it and on the second hand I don't even want it. But how can I kill something what's growing in me? It's living with me at the same time and it's sharing my emotions. I'm afraid. Really. I don't even know how I will finish the hogwarts school. Perhaps I should take one year rest after giving a birth.
Oh god, I can't understand where I'm getting this "Luck". And I can't believe that I'm writing all my thoughts down in black book what I'm hiding under my pillow from now on. But as strange as it is, I feel better. It's like having a forbidden friend who I can hide until the end and it will keep my secrets.
And this picture of me for you, my diary:
