Dear
Dear Keiran,
Merlin's hairy balls ... my handwriting is bad today!
Hi!!
I thought about Floo-ing you and then I sort of thought that maybe you'd be really busy so I didn't want to bother you and I didn't ring you for the same reason so I thought I'd send Godric. He's not impressed, mind you. I don't think he does long-distance anymore. Yesterday I found him fighting with Lucius over a dead mouse, though, so I have no sympathy for him at all. Give him a biscuit would you, love? Oh! But very unhelpfully, while this was going on, Liam was just stood there going "oh-oh!" He looked at me as though somehow I would have the solution for this. I mean ... I do. Did. You ever have those days when you just forget you have magic and you find yourself staring at a dead mouse having hit both your cat and your bird with a broomstick wondering how you can best get the mouse out of the house? (LOOK AT THAT RHYME!) Anyway, once I got over that yeah, I did have the answer but bloody hell. Did you know I'm a witch? Weird. You're a wizard by the way. Speaking of wizards, I think the said unhelpful toddler might be thinking about doing a bit of magic of his own. Stuff is not going back in the toybox and ending up in other places ... maybe I'm going mad? Probably. It might be the cats, y'know...
Now I think about it, there was a really lame reason to start this letter and I feel a bit dumb. But then equally, if I'd floo-ed/rang you just for this and you were busy then it would've been really ... not great. I mean ... well, I would've been annoyed sort of ... if I was you and I was being annoying like this. Oh Merlin. Is this really annoying? I mean, I'm on my second bit of parchment now. I got this really pretty stationary from the shop in Hogsmeade and the parchment is so crisp and new and it's ... gah! I can paint on it too, apparently. Water colours galore! But yeahhhh... I'm waffling aren't I? I mean, it's probably okay. Waffles are far superior to pancakes anyway. Ooh. But potato waffles are the kings. I don't think Yeti would say that potato waffles count as like ... my five a day or something. But potatoes constitute as vegetables too ... so ... wait. Does it still count if they're in whatever potato waffle skins are? I'll have to google it. Bet it's not. Bet you a galleon it's not! Do you want to come round and have potato waffles and tomato sauce for dinner? It actually might not be worth the lecture. That bloody elf. She can lecture me til the proverbial cows come home about food and stuff for me but when I'm battling rodents, birds and felines she is nowhere to be seen. Typical!! Oh well.
Come over soon and eat waffles and ketchup with me/protect me from mother elf? If I end up fifty stone it's because I have a feeder. Twins? No problems. Kelly likes mangos! It's really cute. She gets so excited when I hedgehog the halves for her. It's really cute. Although, mastery of spoons still has a lot left to be desired. I think they throw things at me on purpose sometimes. On the plus side, smelling of fruit is infinitely better than smelling of other things that they could throw. Maybe ... maybe. Right, bear with me here. Maybe we are descendent from the monkeys that throw poo? Oh Merlin. Moving on!
So, I was wandering around the fifth floor this morning because I was helping one of the firsties find their way. She'd gotten lost really quite badly, actually, and we got to chatting and she's very sweet. I found out that she's a Hammers supporter, too! How great is that? Anyway, I got her to her class and went down to the Transfig courtyard 'cause I needed to meet my sixth years for our study group and I said that out there would be great while the sunshine is still about before autumn really sets in. Then, right, I overhear these bloody Ravenclaws coming up with chat-up lines!! So, naturally, I do a bit of earwigging don't I? By a country mile, the best one was: "would you like to whomp my willow?" ... Actually, "my house is called the Shrieking Shack for a reason. I'll show you tonight." is a reeeeaallly close second. The best part was I was walking down for dinner in the Great Hall later on with the twins because they seem to be obsessed with the staircases at the moment and I saw one of them try it on with a Hufflepuff. I think it was: "you must have given me some Skelegrow, 'cause my bone is really growing right now." But she decked him! It was hilarious. And what did Liam have to say about the matter? "Oh-oh!"
Anyway, I gave her some house points and chucked him in detention for harassing her. He's got to shine up my crystal balls (Merlin, now that sounds like a euphemism) for a month so that'll serve him right. Hey, hey Keiran? Can I shine your crystal balls?
Oh dear. I can't believe I wrote that. Burn this letter. Hah! Let that sentence never ever see the light of day, eh?
I had better go. I have the afternoon off (YES!) because Bae's taking the third years on a trip to that merpeople city in Dorset that's apparently 5,000 years old. He's really excited and everyone takes HOM, don't they, so I'm freeeeeeeeeee! I mean, not so much. My sixth years just landed me with a load of essays I totally regret setting now. Bleeearrghhh. All the same, the first Hogsmeade trip is next weekend and I'm chaperoning all of the ones going to Madam Puddifoot's on a date. This is going to be horrendous. I was always more of a snog-behind-the-three-broomsticks kind of girl, to be honest. You? Ever take a girl to that damned bloody tea shop? Oh MERLIN. I'm going to have to put up with so much kissy face and sexual tension. This is awful. Oh my god. What if there are tears? Say, are you busy this weekend? Save me?
Anyway, yeah, I better go. I just heard a crash and the dog yelping so ... this is probably going to be quite interesting. If it's another mouse ... I swear to God. Anyway, sorry for this! Maybe the next one (don't blame you if you don't want me to write again after this four page monstrosity!) won't be as long! See you later! <3
Lots of love,
Missie.
P.S. Let me know if the owl actually flew into wherever this reaches you or whether he just hit the window? Okay, going now.
P. P. S. Sorry. I remembered something to add but then I forgot so now I'm really going! x
P. P. P. S. Is it meant to have the P. Ps? I mean, I know it's post script isn't it but is it meant to be post-post-post script? Wait, post-script-script-script would be stupid wouldn't it? I really, really am going now.
P. P. P. P. S. Love you more than flesh eating slugs love lettuces (which is loads and loads and loads!), bye! xo
P. P. P. P. P. S. It was a rat.
by 
