On the Road to recovery

Chase stared at Jack when she wouldn't give her a full answer, and one of the first real emotions came across her face, and broke through the surface, showing clearly on her face. So Albus was okay.. that made her feel a bit happier, well.. Jack had said not to ask her, but Chase took that as an okay coming from Jack. Chase carefully smiled down at Albus as he dozed, and then found herself looking up in frustration at Jack. "N-no..." She stammered, her hands going to her hair, running her fingers through them, messing it up again, the hair she had just so painstakingly brushed got messed up again quickly.

"N-N-Not just... j-just best friends!" She stammered, stumbling over her words and feeling like a fool, why couldn't the words come out?! Why wasn't this working! Frustration was her first real emotion, and it overtook her like a hurricane, blocking out any other emotion and becoming her, she clenched her fists and grabbed at the chain, holding it tightly, before grabbing the blankets and trying desperately to think of a way to explain it to Jack. "He... Me... We..." She stammered again and then growled at herself in frustration. The emotions were so painfully obvious on her face, it was like she was simply a window, a window that let everyone see what she was thinking, but the window had a large building blocking the view in as well, you could see her emotions, but nothing deeper then that, the thought process was hidden, but the emotions were there.

"He.. He took care of me... and his eyes... and his smile, the way he laughs.. it's just so... His hands are so warm.. and he's so happy, and lovable.. and yet so lonely.. and... I care for him so much... he's so nice, and so smart.. even if others...don't agree... he's so gentle, and warm, and loving.. and... and... He... I... I want... He says... Forever.." She stammered over her words, struggling hard against blockages in her own mind to tell Jack what she REALLY meant to say, what she really wanted to let her know, knowing it was Jack, knowing she could.. but almost afraid to at the same time, but she pushed against it, pushing into her thought bubble, throwing herself against the task at hand, the emotion of frustration tearing through her body, and capturing her entire thought process, she wanted Jack to know. She NEEDED Jack to know, and going from the blank stare to this incredibly frustrated girl, it was obvious she had a one track mind. "He said... that he... I told him... I need.... No Jack." She hissed and then her hands found her hair again, pulling at the strands there, one hand going down to scratch at her throat, mumbling to herself as she tried to convey her emotions. "I... I like him, more then friend.. more then best friend! No.. like.. like.. like.. to mellow.. I mean.." she hissed and scratched at her neck harder, drawing blood now, unaware of her movements, she continued to pull at her hair, and draw blood. She hissed and then looked at Jack, pleading with her to understand, not even aware of what she was doing to her own body.

Jack watched without emotion as Chase began again, incredibly frustrated and suddenlly, the emotions burst onto Chase's face, exploding without warning. Was it Coolreidge who described poetry as the spontaneous overflow of emotion? Well the same could be said for the way Chase's face looked right now, the way her mind worked. It went from all processes and no reaction, to all reaction and little process.

She stumbled threw and began to struggle and at first Jack just watched as her friend scratched and tugged at her hair. Jack forced a wall up, wanting to watch her friend solve this, and she got close, but she knew that it was not enough. She waited and finally Chase explained. More than close. It was enough, and the Healers would get mad if Jack pushed her.

Jack stepped forward and her hands closed over Chase's, preventing her fingernails from reaching any of her exposed skin. Jack looked into Chase's face, saying, "You and Calvin are more than friends. You like, maybe love each other. You want to be with him forever, as he does want to be with you." She was letting Chase know she had made progress, and this effort had to be made to get information across. "Stop scratching. Does it hurt?"

Tears welled up in Chase's eyes as her hands were caught by Jack. She nodded at Jack as she explained. "Yes... yes..." She said and felt her mind slowly start to sink back into the calm it had forced itself into. She hadn't even realized she was scratching herself, and when Jack asked if it hurt, she looked down at her fingernails, which had a small bit of blood on them. "No..." She whispered, staring at her fingernails. "I...I.. I don't feel it.." She said and suddenly got really calm, the look of frustration vanishing as she stared at her hands, her gaze slowly drifting past them to the kitten. "Oh... Albus." She said softly, and looked up at Jack.

"It does... it hurts.... but not because of this." She said holding out her hands to Jack, and staring at her calmly. "It hurts.. in here.. and in here." She said first pointing at her head, and then at her heart. "I don't like the scared look he gives me... I don't like people thinking I'm creepy... I want to be normal.. but there is something missing... and I'm waiting for it... and... it's like.. a war.." She whispered, eyes wide as she stared at Jack, willing her to understand, without showing the emotion necessary to get her to feel it. "I've been fighting... I'm so tired.... I just want... I need... Calvin." She said and looked up at Jack, tears in her eyes. "What.. do you think about me? What do people think about me? Tell me.. please." She said, wishing her voice had more emotion then she was showing, she was trying hard to sound pleading, but she couldn't get her voice to respond to what she was wishing it could be.

Jack stared at Chase patiently, waiting for her struggling fingers to relax and stop, to cease being a threat to the being they belonged to. Finally, her hand relaxed and she released Chase, and Chase's face began to relax as well, though that was not exactly something Jack wanted to see. At least there was emotions present on Chase's face when she was frustrated.

Chase reached for the kitten, for which Jack was glad. The need for comfort, that was what that meant to her. Chase continued on and Jack pulled a chair over to Chase's bedside, sitting down in it and adjusting in her seat. Chase said something was missing, she felt empty. Jack's eyebrows scrunched together and she could not keep herself from inquiring, "Why do you feel empty? What could be missing?"

Jack never could understand that about Chase..

Chase asked what people thought of her. She sighed. She had to be honest. "Well... those girls who just visited you... They were creeped out. I left them with a present. But that's because people are in denial about their own emotions. You don't scare me Chase. I want you back to being happy. That's all."

Jack was so nice to her, helping her like this... and yet.. she never had understood her.. she had only ever wanted her to hate her, the remembrance of this feeling was so strong a flash of pain crossed her face, before it settled back to it's suddenly almost normal blank expression. "What's missing?" Chase repeated, looking at Albus and curling her fingers around him, her fingers were skinnier then she remembered them. She stopped picking up Albus and sat staring at her own hands, clenching them, looking at the small flecks of blood on her fingernails. "I'm... waiting for something.." She said carefully, picking her words before she said them. "I told someone.. something, and I need them to tell me it... and... I don't remember who, or what!" She said and suddenly flung her hands over her head, curling her knees up. The soft mewling showed that Albus had been swept up between her legs, and Chase immediately let her legs fall again and she held onto the kitten, pulling her knees up to her chest again and placing the kitten gently on her knees, watching it mewl and stare at her.

"Sorry." She whispered, and then listened as Jack told her what people thought of her. "Creepy? Yes.. I guess I am acting a little creepy.." She said carefully. "Happy? Happy.... that word is just so strange, it's like... a memory in my dreams... a word I want to be.. but I've forgotten HOW to be.." She said gently stroking Albus's head, staring at the tiny kitten. "Calvin... he told me how to be.. he said... he told me... I miss him." She said suddenly looking up at Jack. "Do you understand? Do you... get it?" She asked, no emotion, eyes blank, the only change in her voice was the change used to show she was asking a question. "I love him... and it scares me... because look what happened to everyone else I loved... Sterling... Jessie... Daniel... Andrew... Elijah, they all hate me now... they all... they don't.. they never understood me.. and here comes Calvin, smiling and waving, and just.. wanting me to be happy.. no other ulterior motives... no.. he just.. loves me.. and it's scary.. I don't want him to hate me... and it makes me so scared, when I'm.. stuck.. like this." She wrapped one bony hand around her wrist and held it up for Jack to see, her eyes boring into Jack's. "I want to be me again... but... It's like there is this wall... part of me is fighting still.. part of me is getting out, but it needs something, and I don't. know. what." Chase was slowly getting more agitated, and suddenly she flung her hands up to her hair, grabbing at it, tears streaming down her face. Albus jumped off her lap in surprise and ran to the end of the bed, staring at the insane girl, watching as she rocked back and forth, singing softly.

"Mary had a little lamb.. little lamb.. little lamb, Mary had a little lamb.. who's fleece.... who's fleece.... who's..... fleece." Chase suddenly dissolved into tears and hid her face in her hands, still singing softly, but the song changed. "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall... humpty dumpty had a great fall.. all the king's horses and all the king's men.. couldn't put humpty together again... humpty dumpthy sat on a wall." She repeated the song over and over her nails finding her skin again, one hand finding the chain and tugging at it, desperately trying to be free, as she scratched at her skin again, drawing blood that splashed down the front of her hospital gown, staining it red.

Jack stared at Chase, allowing her eyebrows to furrow as though trying to discern very faint writing on a worn piece of parchment. What was Chase looking for? Jack simply did not understand the way that Chase worked. Perhaps Jack was practical, and Chase was too flimsy for her to understand. It seemed that if everything did not line up for Chase just right, she was knocked down. Jack was not sure she knew what she could do for her friend.

Something someone told her... Something she forgot. Jack had no idea what Chase was talking about, and she was a little worried. Something was not right suddenly. Something had changed. Drastically. Jack had a terrible feeling that this meetin was about to go south, that things were leading somewhere. She could sense conflicted feelings in Chase, confusing both of them.

Suddenly she sat up, and Albus skidded towards the end of the bed. Jack swept her arm over to Albus and scooped him up, standing and dropping him in her chair. She looked at Chase, who was curled up, pulling the chains and gripping her skin. She began singing and Jack felt her face harden, still void of emotion. She strode forward and grabbed one of Chase's wrists, before grabbing her chin and forcing it upwards.

She stared at her friend's eyes. In a firm, emotionless voice, she said, "Stop it. Now."

Chase whimpered when suddenly a hand caught her wrist, and her chin was forced upwards to meet her friends. Tears were falling down her face. "He said he loved me forever... I told him to say it to wake me up... I need woken up!" She said looking at Jack seriously, a tiny glimmer of hope still in her eyes. "He needs to wake me up... I love him Jack! Don't you know how that feels? To love someone and be loved back? It's like I could fly.. and I let myself... I let myself fight, so that I could make him happy... Mary had a little lamb.." she whispered and then shook her head, trying to straighten her thoughts out, tears still streaming down her cheeks. She was fragile, and she was scared of Jack... still scared after all that time, it was like she was back in the kitchens, wand pointed at Jack, fearful, and defensive, angry, and upset, but all of these emotions, they just wouldn't come to Chase, she sat there, staring up at Jack, tears streaking her thinning cheeks, her cheek bones jutting out awkwardly, dark circles under her eyes, and pale skin made her look even worse in the lighting of the room.

"I wanna go home Jack... I wanna go home.. I wanna see Katie.. and Reid... and sit by the tv with them.. and be happy... I wanna be happy." She whispered, a hand still gripping the chain she was attached too, before her grip slowly loosened and she felt it fall to the bed, her gaze still locked on Jack. "Jack... don't hate me.. okay? Please don't hate me.. I don't hate you.. "She said and her eyelids started to droop, she looked at Jack, and felt a little woozy, suddenly very dizzy. "Don't hate me okay? I need a nap... I need to sleep... goodbye Jack." She whispered and looked up at Jack, looking as though something seriously wrong was going on, something BAD was happening, if not just because of her breathing becoming shallow, it was the fact that her hand was growing cold in Jack's grip, instead of warmer. "I just need a nap.. that's all.. a nap.."

And suddenly, out of the blue, Chase was talking. Jack released her friend's chin and her hand slipped from her grip on Chase's wrist. She took a step away, giving Chase space, giving her room to breate, as though that would make it easier for her to speak. She was talking about Calvin.. but he had already said what she needed from him. So what did Chase need?

Jack would neve get this lovey dovey crap.

Don't you know how that feels? To love someone and be loved back? This really sunk into Jack but rather than answering, she just blinked. Instead, she thought the answer, the answer that would always make it too difficult for Jack to relate to Chase, who was always loved, who was always cared for, who always had someone who wanted her.

Don't you know how that feels? To love someone and be loved back?

No.

Chase said she wanted to go home and Jack replied, "Then let's go home! But for the sake of your daughter, you have to try harder. For Calvin, you have too." She asked Jack not to hate her and Jack sighed. "I don't hate you Chase, I just.." she suddenly noticed Chase's eyes closing and she grabbed her arm. Jack felt shivers spring down her arm. Something was happening. "Chase," she said. She cleared her throat and demanded, "Chase. Wake up. Calvin loves you. You have to wake up so he can love you, so you can love him. He needs you. Your daughter needs you. You're giving up on them."

Chase was looking at Jack sleepily. "Not give up... little nap..." She said softly, and tried to lean back on her pillows, but Jack was being loud, and she scrunched up her face. "No.... no.... I'm not giving up.... I'm not.. "She said forcing her eyes open to stare at Jack, and moving her lips, no words coming out. "I love them... we love you Jack.. you know that right?" She said suddenly and her hand shot forward, grabbing Jack's wrist, pulling her closer, the chain jingling. "Don't you forget... we love you Jack.. you're my best friend... and you belong in our family... we all love you no matter what.. even if you were to commit a million murders, we would still love you.. even if.... even if..." Chase's voice trailed off and her body grew weak again, dizziness hitting her hard. "I love you Jack... we'll never leave.... we won't let... nothing..." She whispered her head rolling to the side. "Just a nap.."

"Humpty Dumpty... sat on a wall..." She whispered softly, her grip never leaving Jack's wrist, like she didn't realize she was still even holding it, firmly, a lot more firmly then she looked like she should be able to do in her present state. "Love you Jack..." She said. "Calvin.... no... he needs.. stop..." She suddenly got really tense, her eyeslid flickering her before opening wide and she sat up, staring at Jack. "Jack.... you gotta believe me! You just gotta! Please..." She said her grip returning it's iron like vice on Jack's wrist, moving herself closer to Jack to stare up at her. "I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to hurt her! I didnt' mean to hurt anyone... I never meant to do it... He made me.. and I... he hurt me.... Fen.. he called me Fen.. and he told me it was my fault.. it's always my fault! I never meant to hurt anyone!" She suddenly sobbed, and it was clear for a moment that the battle that she had been fighting INSIDE her head, was suddenly visible, having fought it's way to the surface, her eyes flickered around the room. "NO! Jack saved me! No!" She sobbed, oblivious to Jack's presence now. "She's my friend! My friend! And you are not! You hurt me! NO!" She let out a blood curling scream, and then went limp on the bed.

Jack was losing control, she reached over and saw a button on the wall to call in Healers and nurses to assit her. Chase needed her, not some faceless strangers who would only sedate Chase and not allow her to deal with any real issues. She would not get anything done that way and it frustrated Jack. Even though Chase needed help, Jack was alone in helping her.

Jack ignored Chase's speech about her being loved- Chase had not been talking about that kind of love, and it was fine. Jack was not thinking about herself right now but her dissolving friend. But she could not help the way her friend phrased it. Jack took responsibility for Vito's murders.. but it was not like she had committed them. No one really agreed with that though.

And suddenly, Chase's brain was somewhere else. Jack could not hold her pride any longer, her fist crashed against the button and she grabbed Chase's wrists, saying, "You are at St Mungo's. You are with Jack. You are not hurt. No one is hurting you, no one is being hurt. Calvin loves you-" Healers came in and Jack pointed. "You stay there." She turned back. "I want to help you. Let me."