Hiding

"It's not ridiculous. You are only acknowledging a certain lack in your current life. It is, frankly one that can easily be remedied." Now THIS was ironic. James Wake, giving advice about life? Did he have no shame? He never followed such illogical thinking, and probably never would. But these were words that he felt were applicable to Jack's situation. Perhaps it was a bad idea to sit there and discuss life with a student he KNEW would toy with him the next day. Perhaps he could toy with her?

For what purpose?

"If you need to cry, then, by all means go ahead. But do it alone, and they'll only isolate you further. Perhaps you should... James was stuck. He did now know else he could add to that statement. Find friends? Jack had multitudes of "friends." Why could she not turn to them? What was HE doing there?

"Ah, look, Jack... it is certainly juvenile to cry about being alone. If it makes you feel better... I once did too." There it was- the admission. The omission that he had ignored ever since he began to attend school. He never teared up in school because, well, whatever lay beyond was far more hideous and destructive than this school. But Jack had not lived with Alan, she hadn't been trained since she was nine. She was not in danger of losing her soul if she so much as gave into the emotions that crept throughout his soul.

He told her it was not ridiculous, which was something she needed to hear. She knew she had high standards for herself, though they were not standards as much as expected of her. She did not like admitting weakness like other's did. What some people called healthy releases, she regarded as completely ridiculous. There was no doing that. No room for admitting defeat.

But it was nice to know she was allowed to be human every once in awhile. Relieved some of the pressure of trying to be an emotionless, if badass, robot. She could be weak. At the mention of a remedy, though, her head immediately came up, her eyes searching his, as though waiting, almost desperately, for what would cure her of her situation.

But it seemed he could not think of a remedy. She felt her shoulders sag slightly and she stared at her knees, scolding herself for getting so happy. She knew some people liked to rant rather than fix, but if she could fix it... Though, she would not see herself transformed into a dependent dope... Though if this was not some form of dependence, what was it?

She began to listen to his words, and at his admittance, her head snapped up and her eyes met his, finally dry. She stared at him. If there was one thing she understood, it was the admittance of a weakness, the most precious of commodities. She had only ever exchanged it with Vito. That point changed things, made you more aware that nothing was ever as simple or complicated as they seemed.

She said in a slow voice, "Really?" She blinked a few times, wondering when it had been, why, and realized it did not matter nor was it her place to ask. The fact was, it had happened. She continued, saying, "And did it get better? Your situation?"

When Jack's eyes peered straight into James, she was probably seeking the way past his steely defense. But even if she thought she had hit pay dirt, she was way off. There was no way of looking past James' time in Hogwarts. He was never quite "happy" there, but he was certainly at peace. It was perhaps the only image he bother grasping whenever he would cast a Pratonus. The moment Alan Wake lef t his sight, the moment he began to forget his parent's dying faces...

"Well, I can't actually tell you... since, you know, its about my parents dying and all that... but being alone is never a weakness- considering yourself to be alone, well, that's the crux of the problem. You first need to find a person with whom you can confide in, someone that cares about how you feel, rather than how you are..." James started delivering a glut of helpful advice, more than he ever actually thought he would actually ever give. Perhaps it was because Jack had asked such a personal question. His mind just clicked in and automatically steered his train of thought away.

"I actually think its getting later than I previously anticipated. Do you want to stay here a bit longer?"

Jack stared at him. She did not know his parent's had died... Then again, what did she know about him? That he was on the Imperium Squad, that he fiercely adhered to the rules, that he liked to do well in school, that he did not get along with people opposite that bill. People like her. But did that really let her know anything? He did not know she had spent her summer with the murderer of her ex-best friend's family, someone who had tried to kill her. What did people know about each other?

She nodded. She knew there were lines people would not cross, and being someone who drew lines very close to herself, she respected them. "I'm sorry," she said, both for nearing those lines and for the situation she had no reason to be sorry for. And she was sorry for letting herself think him to be simply an adversary, nothing more. She had accused people of thinking her so base, and she had done it.

She listened carefully to his words. Someone who cared for how she felt, rather than how she was... She felt everything clicking. It was more convenient for others to care how she was. She was fine. She was champion, she was captain... How she felt though... she felt alone, she felt lost, she felt abandoned, she felt terrified and in pain... But no one had concerned themselves with that...

She looked up at him. He was asking if she wanted to stay there longer. She nodded. She would want to compose herself before leaving. "Yeah... I..." She looked up at him. "How do I find someone like that? Someone who will... you know... I've had friends, but they didn't really care... How do I find someone like that?"

"I'm sorry. But I don't know. Sometimes they just come to you, sometimes you seek them ardently. Eventually, however, you'll find someone you can be completely open with. That's all I know." James paused to check his watch. "If you hurry now, you may be able to catch two or three hours of sleep. Do not let your lingering thoughts keep you from relaxing. You are, for lack of a better term, 'safe' in Hogwarts. It is a school, and you are never alone. If you suffer, someone else suffers as well. If you are happy, someone else is happy. We are, after all, kids."

James could not think of much more to say. He was not the empathetic type, and just trying to emotionally engage someone was exhausting to him. This conversation had also cost him precious time. He turned to leave, but stayed his hand before he turned the knob. "I am uncertain of how helpful this may be, but if worse comes to worst, you can always talk to me. As long as you are not perpetuating a list of false accusations about the integrity of my character." With that concluding statement, James Wake left the room and stormed back to his own abode of solitude, his dorm room.

Jack could tell, from his tone and the vagueness of his words, that James himself was not very sure about the answer more than she did. She nodded acceptingly and when he said it was probably time she go back, she understood he was letting her leave on her terms, when she was not completely upset, and so he did not feel an obligation to stay longer. "You're right." She just wished she could feel that safety he spoke of. She stumbled to her feet and brushed herself off.

She watched him cross to the door and put his hand on the doorknob but he paused. She watched him and listened to his words. When he said she could always come talk to him, she smiled to herself, feeling a small rush of affection and gratitude for the boy she had always been at odds with. But at his next statement, all of that drained away and he disappeared.

She stared at the empty doorway and felt a lump rise in her throat, full of guilt and shame. He was right in that. She realized her ultimate hypocrisy. How often had she told herself she was better than her classmates because they all cast judging looks on her, when she had written James off as a rule-abiding drone, which made him somehow a foe, someone bad. She promised herself to never do it again, to make up for it somehow.

She grabbed her bookbag, which she carried everywhere since it had everything she may need in emergency, and pulled it over her shoulder before walking out of the room. She firmly closed the door and looked off in the direction she knew James had disappeared. She sighed, closing her eyes and said to the open air. "Thank you." With that, she turned and hurried off to Gryffindor tower.