Wandering (Gin)

Ginevra was unsure of how she felt gazing forward to see Darren completely unfazed by her escalation. For the entirety of their friendship, the two had gone through periods that were not necessarily healthy. Personally, she experienced things intensely and in the moment. He had never left her to try and fend herself when she burned with the more intense of heat, though he had nearly always been visibly irritated with her behavior, her emotion. There had been a time while on the run when Andrian had tried to describe Darren’s protective behavior regarding her as love and she had shut him down. Ginevra knew that Darren was protective, but she had never logically attached a reason to why. He cared about her, sure, but was it any different than how he treated his other friends? It was. She never admitted that, not truly. Why, in this moment, had he decided to keep his cool? How was he keeping collected when she so openly could not?

In her Hogwarts years, she had kept a photo of her and Darren propped up in a corner of the mirror above her dresser. When she had no longer been able to stomach living in that house, she had taken few belongings. To this day, one of the few possessions that she had ensured to take with her was that photo, folded and creased, always in her backpack. Ginevra had only been twelve in the photo, Darren fourteen. The early years of their friendships had consisted of her trying to use a muggle Polaroid camera to catch him in the middle of mundane activities. The one that she kept with her was a rare chance she had captured a smile- a smile that made her feel like she would always be okay. Ginevra was a sentimentalist and despite all her efforts, it was likely the main contributor to the lack of passion she could invest in detouring towards any sort of healthier, or even simply mutual, love.

There was a brief moment where Ginevra felt the need to interrupt, to argue. She allowed it to pass and she thought back on how he had proved in the past that he would defend her, even when it cost him his final breath. Seemingly, it was the verbal communication he was providing her that she found was causing struggle. She believed his action, she was used to that being truth. Words? Darren rarely ever expressed his emotions and when he had, she had pried it from his insides through force and a will that did not quit. Perhaps this crossed over into her career now, having a knack for dealing with the quiet, brooding types that entered the ward for care- she had been practicing for a majority of her adolescent and now adult life.

Allowing a slow nod to escape, she continued to look at him, as if searching for signs of deceit or sign of a trap. ”You were never like them, even when they were alive.” she mumbled, holding true to her tone. It was far too easy to recall the fear that Darren would try to hide in his tone at the thought of his father being home while they were there. She had always appreciated what her own father had taught her, the time he had invested in raising her, when she saw the contrast to what life could have been like if her mother had decided to marry a pureblood wizard. She cocked her eyebrows up at the word ‘distant,’ trying to avoid spiraling in what a close friendship may have been if she had not been.. close.

Ginevra tried to take her focus off of the use of past-tense in her voice. How he was out of care for her and how maybe there was more. Was he seriously trying to tell her that after all of the effort she had tried to place into investing her time, her energy and her love, that he had caused her heartache out of some quest for a higher road? Subtly letting a snort escape her, she remained quiet and allowed him to finish the reflection he was working himself through. This took a lot of effort, so much so that her body remained fairly stiff as she stayed across the alleyway to him. Holding back her voice, remaining a distance away from him as to not comfort him on instinct, it was taking all of her willpower.

Emotions rippled like a storm around her as she let the silence float around them for a long stretch, processing. ”Prove it.” she finally said. ”How am I supposed to believe that you have hidden all of this from me, as absolutely absurd as your reasons definitely are.” it was a test. Words alone were not going to get him through this, she needed to see for herself in the way he had always shown her something she struggled to grasp: through action.

As she went quiet, Ginevra could have sworn she felt her younger self holding in a breath.

Standing up again, Darren was reminded of just how small Gin always seemed to him. Combining that with the evident hurt in her expression, he wanted nothing more than to hold her tight in comfort. He didn’t, though. “Prove it?” he repeated incredulously, looking directly at her. “How can you doubt it? From the moment I first met you until now, I’ve never felt the same way with anyone else.” Darren didn’t believe in soul mates, but there had been something about Gin that had immediately made him sink into feelings of protectiveness, love, and vulnerability that he had never experienced before or since with no one else. And the time they had spent together in childhood had only heightened these emotions. How could she not know any of that? Sure, Darren was not an expressive person normally, and with Gin he expressed even less of what he actually felt. But he had always thought that she could see through the act. “Why do you think I’m even here? I don’t need to go to Gringotts, that was a lie.” After lying about Lucretia, this seemed like a relatively benign lie to admit at the moment. “I’ve been staying at the Leaky Cauldron and going around Diagon alley for the last three days just to try to get a glimpse of you. To know you’re alright.”

“But just because I feel this way about you doesn’t mean we are meant for each other,” he added. The rational side of his brain, usually completely dominant over the emotional side, had long ago concluded this fact. And it had since been sustained over the years then through sheer stubbornness. Perhaps in the back of his mind Darren could admit, just barely, that he might have been wrong about it all. It was certainly true that their relationship would have unique challenges that they wouldn’t have to deal with if they just chose different partners. But love didn’t work that way, and in the end all his rationalism had done was lead him, and perhaps her as well, through years of loneliness.

“That’s why I stayed away from you entirely. I thought that, without me in your life you would eventually move on… Find someone, be happier than you could ever have with me.” Darren had always thought that, for a wide variety of reasons. Perhaps it was primarily triggered by insecurities he had developed as a child. His inability to protect his mother and sister, and later his friends. Gin, as the person he undoubtedly cared for the most in the world, induced feelings of protectiveness in him, and yet he did not trust himself with that.

“But I guess that didn’t happen either, did it?” It wasn’t an entirely rhetorical question. She may have more or less just admitted she hadn’t moved on, but Darren needed confirmation. He wasn’t sure what exactly he even wanted to hear. Part of him had always envisioned a future with her, especially while he had been with Lucy. An alternative future that perhaps would give him the purpose, and certainly the passion, he was lacking. And yet, he had never felt so vulnerable as he did now, his emotions had not been so heightened in a long time. Every word spoken had to be wrenched from his will. Darren was not sure if a life of quiet apathy was necessarily a worse alternative. This was precisely the type of difficult conversation and self-reflection he had always turned away from.

Ginevra thought her eyes might bulge out of her head when he asked her how doubt could exist. He was kidding, right? Ginevra could not remember whether he had “officially” had a girlfriend in Hogwarts and she was fairly certain he had not, but she also knew that a majority of information regarding other girls she had tried her darndest to block out. ”I was not in Slytherin, so I thankfully didn’t see much, but I have ears. I heard the whispers and they were about Alesy, not me.” This, of course, casually left out the factor of whispers not being necessary. Their friend group had always been quite vocal in pointing out the tension between her and Darren, whether that be positive or negative. Ginevra had started to believe that maybe some of the inclinations had been correct until Darren had promptly rejected her. This had been the longest stretch of time that they had been apart.

Letting out a quiet snort when he admitted to lying, she subtly glanced towards the exit of the alley. He had been looking for her? Instead of feeling nostalgic, Ginevra felt her temper rise and her nostrils flare. ”So what you are trying to tell me is that you planned to glance at me through a window and not acknowledge my existence? That’s a sure fire way to see if I am alright.” she replied, bitterness lacing her tone. Entering the Leaky Cauldron replaying in her mind, Ginevra found that she was regretting not hugging him like she would have in the past. The excuse to wrap her arms around him was pulling at her like gravity. This only made her plant her feet harder against the ground. She could stay strong. She was no pushover.

Taking her turn to kick the basket of fruit and send it flying, she welcomed the throb of her foot as the basket righted itself again. ”You twit.” she started. ”You don’t think I would love to meet a guy who absolutely adores me and ensures I don’t forget that? A guy who welcomes the love and the crazy that I have to offer? Who can see me as a wife, a mother? I may be a werewolf now, but I still have a heck of a lot to offer.” Growing up, Ginevra had not thought much about a white picket fence type of life. As she aged, living in the muggle world had her focusing on the families around her, the simplicity of working at a job she was passionate about with the option to travel to fill her need for change. Lately, she had avoided travel due to the question: what if it got a little too lonely without someone to share the world’s wonders with? But also, who would miss her if she decided to never come back? Lacking a purpose was one of her biggest fears, right next to having no one who would miss her if she was gone.

”I am still a catch, a catch others have noticed and wanted. But no, I haven’t been able to accept that into my life. Not knowing that you still have my heart.” Ginevra looked directly at Darren as she finished her statement, confirming she had not handed her heart to another. She had not moved on. Before she registered what she was doing, Ginevra started to process that she had slowly started inching towards Darren as her rage had escalated again. Moments later, her hand was on his chest and she was reaching up on her tiptoes. When their lips meet, Ginevra instinctively went to place her other hand towards his neck. Instead, her mind caught up with her body and she froze, her body momentarily stiff.

Stepping away as fast as she had reached up to kiss him, Ginevra twisted around and sunk down with her knees bent, her arms resting on her thighs. Why had she done that? At least she had stopped herself before he pushed her away. The memory of the last brief kiss they shared resurfacing. ”It’s always been you.” she mumbled towards her legs, cursing herself for allowing vulnerability. Placing her fingers in her hair, Ginevra had not planned to send her morning contemplating her life choices.

Darren’s eyes narrowed upon hearing Alesy’s name. It had been so long since he had heard her name. He had not quite forgotten her; having become close with so few people in his life meant that each person meant that much more to him. With Alesy in particular there had been some romantic energy, but largely one sided. As far as Darren could recall, his earliest intimate feelings had been towards Gin. Interest in other girls then, as with dating Lucretia now, had mostly been part of a failed effort to forget about Ginevra - and to make her forget about him. He  realized now that it made some sense that she would get the impression he wasn’t as interested as he really was. But even so, Darren couldn’t believe she remembered Alesy after all these years.

Deciding to ignore that topic for now, Darren looked away again as she continued to scold him. He felt like just walking away at that moment. It felt almost too difficult to have this conversation now. All the feelings he had bottled up for years were surfacing. Everything he had tried for so long not to say. “I thought that you might have moved on,” he explained cautiously. He had certainly thought that, although a large part of him had hoped for confirmation otherwise, and certainly no part of him would have been overly joyed if she had.

Indeed, as she continued her outburst, he found relief mixed with his remorse and regret, as she gave him confirmation that she had never moved on.  Before he could respond, Ginevra stepped forward, closing the distance between them. The feel of her lips on his was an abrupt, shocking sensation that eliminated his train of thought. It was brief, too brief, and she pulled away before he even had time to process what was happening.  

The kiss had interrupted his train of thoughts, but as she sunk to the ground, his mind started racing with different thoughts. Time had started to feel like it was accelerating past him, in part no doubt due to the monotony of daily life. It only occurred to him now how much time had passed by, and how much of it had been wasted. Had things gone according to plan today, he would have seen Gin, thought about her a lot for a few days, and then go back to watching time slip away in monotony. Instead, events had slipped out of his control, and it had become a day that could change the rest of his life. He had tried and failed so long to find something to give meaning to his life, but nothing had ever felt as real to him as this, his friendship – his love – for Gin.

Abruptly, Darren leaned down, taking her hand and pulling her up to her feet. He could see the hurt in her eyes, the uncertainty that lingered despite his confessions. With his other hand he brushed her hair back, before cupping her cheek, feeling the warmth of her skin and her slight tremble. “It’s always been you too,” he said. He wondered if he should say more. That he had been a fool? That he had forced himself, and her, into a life of loneliness because of his paranoia, his insecurity, his bigotry, his elitism? But there had been enough apologies, enough talking. Darren gave himself to impulsivity, to his desire, and held her against him to kiss her back. He had longed for this moment for years, and as he kissed her now, Darren knew once and for all that he loved her against reason, against tradition, against all discouragement that could be.

One of the biggest pet peeves that Ginevra had was when people tried to avoid difficult or uncomfortable conversations. For over ten years, Darren had been the king of trying to distract her mind away from topics he did not want to give her more details on.  In his defense, there was usually a good chance that if approached correctly, she could get temporarily sidetracked- this was not one of those days. Ginevra had always had mixed feelings on Alesy. A large part of her never wanted to hear about another girl gaining Darren’s affection, the other knew she would likely never settle without some semblance of raw honesty. Wrinkling her nose as Lucretia briefly roamed through her thoughts, she had at least understood how someone could be attracted to Alesy. Darren’s ex-fiancee? She seemed several shades of vile.

The moment that Darren looked away, she felt the volcano that was her emotions threatening to erupt. There had been instances where her frustration got the best of her but ever since becoming a werewolf, she had tried to use the heightened senses to reflect on herself as well. Closing her mouth momentarily, she breathed in deep through her nose, feeling her chest expand and slowly allowing it to be released. ”You have always walked away from me.” she mumbled and took her own turn to glance away from him. ”People don’t talk when there is nothing going on.” she, of course, knew this was not completely true. Gossip was prevalent in all schools. Years of the rejection, hope and inevitably, the hurt cycle resurfacing had her projecting the more vulnerable side of her thoughts. Honestly, it made her want to vomit a little. Ginevra had spent years finding a balance of boundaries and vulnerability. After working the night shift, she had not anticipated ending up in the back alley feeling as if she could implode at any given moment, all that progress thrown to the wind.

After Ginevra had been attacked, it was not often that she let her guard down. Prior to the attack, she had been fairly unaware of her surroundings. As far as the stereotype went, Ginevra had her moments of being a blonde and Darren had always been there to point it out. Now, turning her back on another person, especially in an otherwise empty alley? It was a sign of comfort, of trust, one that she did not realize her body allowed her to naturally until she continued to register the close proximity of their bodies returning.

Ginevra had been aware of footsteps approaching from behind, the hand that reached out and pulled her to her feet and now, the hand that rested below her chin. Her breath caught in her throat as he uttered words she had yearned to hear for years. There was no further time to process or reply as she felt her lips met his again. Her eyes had closed and then opened wide, shock rippling through her. Impulsivity had always been her character trait, not his. Digging her heels into the opportunity, she placed her hand on his chest and walked him back until she felt his back hit the building wall. Deepening the kiss, she really wanted to shrug and yell, “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

Resisting pushing Darren’s limits in this burst of what could only be momentary insanity, she pulled her head back and rested her forehead against his. ”Your dad is rolling in his grave right now.” she whispered, unsure of what else to say about what had happened. Ginevra could feel the confusion catching up with the logical side of her brain. How could any of this be true? Was she more sleep deprived than she had originally registered? Had she really mentioned his dad after he had finally initiated a kiss?

In that moment, all she knew for certain was that no level of intimacy she had experienced with another had ever felt so right.