At times I am mystery to myself

"I'm sorry I left you. I don't deserve anything for you but I'm just glad you gave me the chance to explain everything to you. I needed that." While Nathaniel was speaking Polina was quiet without any idea what she should say. All of this was still new for her. Her whole life Polina only loved and cared about her brothers and she knew they were the only people who cared about her as well so this... Having someone who saw something in her worthy to love... She just didn't know how to deal with it.

When he pulled her closer Polina hugged him around his neck and kissed him back and even if she wanted to stay like that forver, soon she stopped the kiss because she remembered Lucas was there and she should take care of him.

"I... I never thought you would forgive me. Hell I was sure I would never see you again. And before when I looked at you, you were so cold and I just wondered where my Nathaniel left" she took his hand in hers and put head on his shoulder. It was cold in the park so feeling of his warm body next to hers was really comfortable.

Polina looked at Lucas who was playing in snow and smiled. "He is really great kid. I never thought about that before but now when I met him, I hope I will once have a child like him. God look at him, hes clothes will be so wet later. Rosalie will probably kill me."

Shaking his head he looked at her with his sky blue eyes. "You're welcome Poli, but you didn't have to tell me all that about yourself, it's alot you spilled out." Looking at her he realized that she didn't know much about him. "If feel I should tell you about my siblings and family, I love them to pieces, my parents ways told me to follow my heart and dreams." Smiling at his parents advice that's exactly what he was doing. Love was something he didn't have much other with his family, after losing a loved one you go extremely numb and broken.


Feeling her close to him, he smiled he missed her being closr to him like this, it was satisfying. Those three months without her were hard, he missed her so much even if he tried telling himself that he didn't he knew that he did. How can someone male hom feel this way, how can.ome girl make him go so crazy about her? He didn't understand it, but he decided that he wasn't going to.


He shook his head. " I would've forgave you sooner or later, I really did miss you like crazy, you wouldn't believe how much I missdd you." Looking at the boy playing in deep thoughts hr looked at her frowning. "That's how I hid the pain I was feeling, he never left just buried beneath that coldness for a long time, but I'm back now." Giving her a soft warm smile he intertwined hands with her. "You cold? I got a blanket in my bookbag here, kmow it's silly but it gets cold in the office at work so I always have it." wrapping them up in ig he pulled her closer to him.


He smiled. " He does seem like a very happy and careful littlr boy, that's a good thing." Looking at the boy he laughed at gim playing in the snow giggling. " I'm sure you will soon Poli, I love kids they just brighten your day and make things better." he knew that was true cause he used to babysit Maura when she was little. " We can dry them off, we kmow how and besides he's a kid, he's suppose to have fun."he said smimply.

"No, I had to" Polina shook her head and looked at Lucas again just to be sure he is still there where she could see him.
"I had to tell you because if I did this earlier, we probably wouldn't have a fight in the first place. So I really needed to tell you what I was running from" she looked at him again and smiled a little.
"That was a good advice. My father has never told me anything like that. I think he always wanted to control me and my life." Polina shrugged. On the other side, she remembered almost nothing about her mother and what was she like.

"I didn't even think I would get the chance for you to forgive me. I mean, London is the big city, I was sure I would never see you again. I... I even thought you found someone new, you know. We weren't together for a long time, you could move on" Speaking about this was hard for her, telling her worst thoughts but she wanted him to know that she thought about him all the time.

"It's not really cold but" Polina looked at Nathaniel shocked and started laughing.
"Really? You have the blanket with you on your job? And you carry it in your bag? Couldn't you just use some spell to make yourself warm?" she came closer to him and kissed him still laughing.

"He is the happy child. Rose is doing her best. I'm just sad because he would never meet his father" Polina shook her head and almost screamed: "NO. I mean, not now, I'm still not ready for children. Are you?" She looked at him curiously.

He looked at her shaking his head. " Still Poli it's alot to spill about yourself, not easy to open up trust me. " biting his lip as he said this he looked away. "Probably not, but I'm a prick at times for no reason, I may look sweet but I can be a major prick." He knew that she only seen the sweet and cold side of him, but he was a major asshole when he needed to be. He looked back over at her frowning, his parents were controlling but only wanted the best for him which now he understood by then, well...he didn't. "I think so, I always try to follow their advice."he said shrugging as if it wasn't no big deal.


Nathaniel shrugged. " Probably would've, but I was mad at you for the longest time for leaving me. " He frowned remembering that day, it still hurts him. He laughed. "No it wasn't because I didn't try, but they ended badly cause I was still in love with you." Running his hands through his hair he looked at her. "I always loved you, I never stopped loving you for a seond, even when I tried to. " He felt a bit silly telling her this, but it was the truth. " I didn't move on to someone else, because you're the one that I want." looking at her he gave her a soft warm smile.


"Well maybe it was an excuse so I could hold you in my arms." he said smirkkng at her pulling her close to him. He shrugged. " I don't always want to rely on magic to do things in my life, my mother always taught me to do things the muggle way, I was raised ghat way as well for my parents didn't want me to think magic was the answer for everything. "he said simply. "You think it's funny don't you or you think it's funny and cute?" he asked kissing her back.


He smiled. "Well I never met her, but I can tell just by looking at him that she's doing a good job." looking at Lucas making snow angels he laughed. "One day I would like to start a family and have kids, I love kids." Still looking at Lucas he smiled as he said that.

"Opening up is never easy, I think. But sometimes you just need to do it, you know? Past is the important part of us, that is how you truly meet someone, knowing their past." Polina shook her head and then looked at him smiling. She put her palm on his cheek before speaking "I love all your parts. True, cold Nathaniel was scary, but I knew my Nathaniel was somewhere inside."
She frowned while thinking about her father. "Well, if I followed my father's advice now I would probably be married to someone who is rich, no matter if I love him or not. My father mostly cares about material things. He was happy when my brother Nikolai married Rosalie only because her family is rich. Though, he wasn't happy because she is not Russian."

She looked at him sadly, if there was any way to go in the past and make different decisions, she knew she would never leave him again. It would be hard, there would be much things she needed to explain to him, but it would be worth it.
"I'm sorry. For leaving you, I really am truly sorry. But I would lie if I say I'm sorry you didn't move on. If I saw you today happy with another girl... I don't know if I would survive that." She frowned while imagining the picture of him with another girl, prettier than her, who makes him happy in the way Polina was never able to.

"You know you don't need an excuse to hold me close to you" she leaned his head on his shoulder still laughing as insane. "No, it's just weird." She shook her head.
"I use magic for everything. Probably not the girl someone would want to marry because I'm not sure I would even be able to make eggs without my wand."

"I'm sure you will have a lot of kids." She smiled and then frowned. "I think kids scare me, I'm not sure if I would be a good parent. My worst nightmare is to be like my father."