At times I am mystery to myself

It was 3 months since Polina saw Nate for the last time when she left him at her own house. It was the hard decision and she often wondered if she made mistake but looking at her life again, maybe it was for the best.
She was smiling again. She was happy again. And that was all that mattered. She didn't find a new boyfriend though, but she got her life in order.
Once when she was done with crying she sent the letter to her brothers. She explained them everything, told them where she was and the most important, let them know that she was not coming back to Russia. Still, they promised her they would come to visit her. Nikita and Konstantin knew she was old enough to make her own decision and that there is no way to force her to live in Russia again.

Today Polina had the day off on her job so she decided to spend some time with her nephew. She finally met him. One day she just came to Rosalie's house and after two women were talking for more than 4 hours, they became friends. Now Rose was happy to have Polina who was often spending time with Lucas so Rose can take some break.

"Come on Lucas, we will buy some chocolate frogs and then go to the park. But don't tell your mother I gave you so many candies. Promise me" Polina smiled and brought frogs for Lucas. While she was paying for them, Lucas started running away.
"Lucas!" She yelled and went after him and then saw the little boy standing in front of one man. That blonde hair... She would recognize it anywhere. It was Nathaniel.

In the past three months he got his life back together and was back to his normal life before Polina ever came into his life, he didn't need love or anyone in his life. It was like the women named Polina that he came to really like never existed to him, he didn't even know who she was. After months of crying alone in his flat asking himself why, he was done with the pain and feeling incomplete he moved on, closing himself off from relationship and love. He didn't believe in love or anything like that anymore, after getting hurt so many times, he didn't believe in love. He believed he wasn't destined for love or to be in love, which was fine with him it was a waste of time anyways.


After helping his aunt with the candy store, he walked around the streets of London before heading towards the leaky cauldrom for a nice butterbeer before getting some things he needed for work for the new year. Taking his butterbeer to go, he walked out of the Leaky heading towards the Robe shop to get him some more robes. He was in need of some new robes, his old ones were torn and he didn't like the color of them anymore. He been wearing alot of darker colors lately, black and dark blue lately, the blue robes that he had that brought out his sky blue eyes he looked down at it disgusted. The color black, it match the color of his now cold heart and personality.


Walking towards the Robe shop to get him some robes, not paying attention he almost ran into a little boy, having a weakness for them his expression soften. " Sorry little man, I didn't see you down there, being a giant you don't see short people." he said laughing slightly at his joke. It was like this little boy brought the old Nathaniel Addams out of him, it was like he was his old self that Polina knew. Seeing Polina he swallowed hard and looked at the little boy. "You better get back to her buddy." he told the little boy giving him a soft warm smile. He looked at Polina with his dull sky blue eyes, there was no happiness or sparkle in them, there hasn't been since she told him that she was leaving three months ago.

What was she supposed to do now? Should she just take Lucas and leave? That was the right thing to do but for some reason, she wasn't able to do that. She smiled a little and came closer to them taking Lucas's hand. Two years old boy just learned how to walk and he was already running from her.
"Hello Nathaniel" she looked at her ex-boyfriend and was really surprised to see that he looks like on the day she left him. He still seemed cold and distant and Polina was sad to know she did that to him.

She has never told him that she loves him, but even if she didn't say that she really loved him. She probably loves him even now and she was really hoping that she would see him happy.
"Um, how are you?" She asked that simple question even if she wasn't sure he would answer to her. Why should he? She broke his heart. She probably destroyed him. Maybe he has the new girlfriend? Even thinking about that hurt her. She knew she doesn't have any rights, but she was still jealous.

She wanted him to look at her. She wanted to see those beautiful blue eyes. But even if she wanted that, she looked away pretending that she wants to see if Lucas is still there even if she was holding his little hand.

Hoping that the little boy would run back to her before she approach him, he cursed silently to himself as he seen her walking towards him.  He wanted nothing more but to be away from the girl he loved more then anything, the girl that was making him complete just to crush him and leave him in pieces again after promising that she wouldn't hurt him. He couldn't help but not laugh stupidly at his own stupid mistake, he couldn't believe that Polina was any different from any girl that hurt him before.  He was stupid to believe that she wouldn't hurt him and be different,   as much as he didn't want to admit the truth it was his fault for letting her in. He had no one to blame but himself, but no more was he going to get hurt.  "Hello Polina, long time no see or talk, been what three months?" he asked her his sky blue eyes looking into hers.


Nathaniel loved her more then anything else in the world, and what was weird he still loved her even when he didn't want to anymore. He wasn't happy, he was cold and reserved and it was due to him being afraid he'll get hurt again, only a heart can take so much.  "I'm fine, thanks for asking but I been fine and happy." he said looking at her with his dull sky blue eyes.  That was a lie, he wanted to pretend he was Ok and not missing her by numbing his pain that she caused.  He didn't have anyone new,  one it was afraid of getting hurt again and not believing in love, two he still loved Polina.


His cold sky blue eyes still looking at her and then the kid, he looked back up at her.  "I got to get my robes for work, I ripped them not to long ago doing something for work." he said holding his robes up.  He just wanted to get away from the girl that broke him but he still loved, apparently she didn't love him if she left him.  "Well... better get going, now seeing you Polina." giving her a cold smile he walked off.

"Yes, three months," she said silently. I missed you she wanted to say but she bit her tongue to stop herself from saying it. She has no right to say something like that to him. He was looking at her and she almost smiled. She has never seen eyes like his before, they were like the sky or sea. It was easy to get lost in them. She always wondered if he got those eyes from his mother or father, but she has never asked him that, she didn't have time.

"I am glad to hear you are happy" Polina finally smiled and touched his arm. It looked friendly but the truth was, she did that on purpose. Crazy thing but she really wanted to touch him. She wanted to kiss him as well but she knew that wasn't possible. He would probably push her away and she was afraid that would break her heart.
Surprisingly, Lucas was quiet and she almost wished he wasn't. If he wasn't, that would force her to keep moving to that damn park she promised to take him to. But he was just looking at her and Nathaniel, even if she knew he was too young to understand what was happening.

"Okay. I hope I will see you around" she said trying to act nonchalantly but when she saw him walking away she said his name before she even got a chance to think about it.
"Nate, wait!" She looked at him again and she wasn't even sure what she wanted to say. Why she stopped him?
"Come to the park with us" please
"I would like to talk with you. You know, to catch up" now she was speaking nonsenses but she just didn't want him to leave. Not yet.

He looked at her with a dull expression on his face, showing no emotions. Although his heart skipped a beat at the sight of her, like before he had that same feeling when he met her three months ago. He honestly missed her more then anything, although over the past three months he closed himself off from her thinking that things weren't meant to be between them. He honestly missed her, but he didn't want to get hurt again. He couldn't deal with the pain again, with Polina it made it worse.


"As happy as I can get for someone who got left by someone he was falling in love with, I need to stop putting my heart on the line to have it broken. " Looking at her as he said thstx it was clear he was upset about it. He jumped as she touched him, it took him by surprise but also sent a shock of electricity through him. He pulled away from her, he wasn't going to get hurt by her again, she left him empty and incomplete. He loved her, the day she left crushed him and left him in a million of pieces that he had to pick up himself.


He looked at her and shook his head. " I doubt that, with you uo and moving alot, I doubt you'll be here. " He knew that was cold but he was still upset that she left. Walking away he went back to his business of doing what he was before he ran into her and the kid. Hearing his name he turned around looking at her. Looking at her he sighed. " Fine I'll come, just to talk with you, but that's it." he said simply. "Lead the way, I'll be right behind you." he said to her flicking his wand as his robes disappeared.

"I'm sorry Nathaniel, I never wanted to hurt you. You must believe me" she said honestly and looked at his eyes seeking to see the understanding there. But she found nothing at all. She expected him to be fine by now. Everything that happened... It was three months ago. She was fine. She put her feelings on the shelf in her heart where she kept all her emotions that hurt her. She knew she would never be happy again, nor she would try to find someone for her, but she honestly believed he would be fine.

"I stayed here, in London. I didn't leave." She looked at her shoes. He was so cold that made her sadder than anything else. Where was the man she met in the past? The cheerful man full of life. This man in front of her looked like a machine who just does mechanically his work.
"I'm done with running away" she whispered and looked at him again, begging him to understand and believe her.
Polina really believed he would say no. She thought he would simply say her to go to hell and walk away. So when she heard his voice she wasn't able to hide surprise written all over her face.
"Great, the park is only two minutes away" she started walking holding Lucas's hand. "Okay, sweety. We are almost there. Then you can play."

Once when they were in the park, Polina left Lucas to play on the snow and then sat on the bench close to him so she can keep an eye on him. She was glad it was snowing so even if he falls on the ground, he won't get hurt.
She looked at Nathaniel once when he sat and then started speaking.
"You were right, you know, then when we were arguing. I couldn't run forever. So I sent the letter to Konstantin and Nikita, my brothers and explained everything to them. I said them I'm not coming back, they... they understand" she smiled a little and looked at Lucas again. "This is my nephew, Lucas. I finally met him."

Nathaniel looked at her his expression softening slightly, she looked so honest and sincere.  No one was ever sorry about hurting him, they just left and didn't think twice about it.  Although for some reason when Polina left, it hurt him twice as much,  why because he was falling for her.  Unlike last time he was force into the relationship and came to love the girl, he truly loved Polina and it wasn't force upon him. What was worse he actually believed that she wouldn't hurt him, I guess that's what he gets for opening up to her.   It was his own fault,   ut didn't mean it didn't hurt like hell because it did all too much.


Nathaniel looked her shocked but went back to looking at her with his cold eyes.  "You stayed here in London and I thought you been gone for three months?!" he asked her not believing what he was hearing.  She was here all along and he didn't know?  It just made him feel madder about the whole situation.   Why would he? He spent the past three months thinking that she was gone, to find out she wasn't after all this time.


Walking with them, his mind wondered about alot of things lately, he changed and he knew he had.  He wasn't the cheerful guy that was full of life any more,  she took that from him and left him empty.   Watching the kid playing he smiled, he had a weakness for kids and loved them.  He wanted kids of his own someday,  but with his luck he had better luck adopting one.  The snow falling around him didn't seem to bug him at all, he was already numb.


He looked at her and nodded.  " I knew that they would, you're a grown woman, they can't force you to do anything. " He meant what he said, no one can force you to do anything that you don't want to do.  " He's a nice looking little boy,  going to be a ladies man when he's older."  Looking at the boy as he said that watching him play.

"I... I realized I have no place to go" Polina said whispering and looked at her hands that were resting on her lap. Why was he mad about that? Even if she did leave, that wouldn't change anything. They wouldn't be together no matter what.
"I wanted to call you but I knew you are mad and probably don't want to have anything with me. It's fine, I can understand that." She was able to feel tears collecting in her eyes but she won't cry. She can't let that happen. She cried for so long time and she finally decided it was enough.

"I realized I never told you why I left Russia in the first place, and I probably should. Because if I was open and honest with you, maybe nothing of this would happen." She looked at Nathaniel again and took a deep breath before continuing. This was the right thing to do. If she was smarter she would tell him the long time ago. Although saying this to him probably wouldn't change anything, Polina still felt like she owes him an explanation.

"My mother died when I was eight years old. She was sick for a long time but she was hiding that from me and my brothers. And that woman... Ivet... My father married her just a month after my mother died. He was swearing that he never cheated our mother and all of that but... How was that possible to marry someone else when you are supposed to be sad because your first wife died? And Ivet was terrible" Polina shook her head and frowned. She honestly hoped she would never see Ivet again. She hates that woman.
"She hates me and she didn't even try to hide that. She made my life in the living hell. And my father just ignored that. I was happy only when I was at Koldovstoretz. Nobody cared about what I think, so when I turned 18, I ran away from home. It wasn't actually running away since I was adult, but my father still looked at me like I was a child. He froze my bank accounts and told my brothers to find me and if they need, to force me to come back. That is why I was running all this time. I hope you can understand me, I couldn't go back to that house." She started crying and looked at her hands again while nervously playing with her fingers.

"And then, when I thought I'm finally happy and no one could find me, Rosalie came back to London and I was so scared that she would recognize me and tell Nikita and Konstantin where I am and I panicked. I'm so sorry I did that to you. I know you would be happier if you never met me."

"I... I love you, Nathaniel. I'm sorry I didn't tell that earlier but I do. I never stopped loving you."

Nathaniel looked at her and frowned.  "You could've  came back to me Poli, I care about you more then anything else and I wouldn't leave you alone. " Looking at her with gentle and soft eyes, he was back to his old self.  He listened to her and nodded.  " I....I could never hate you, I was more upset and angry that you left." biting his lip he looked away.  He cared about her deeply, which was one of the reasons why he became so numb and bitter. He loved her, even if he didn't know that much and her he loved her.


He shook his head.  " No Poli, when you're ready to tell me, it shouldn't be forced  "  He didn't want her to force her to him a part of her past that hurt her so badly.  He wasn't that way, nor did he want to be like that.  He wasn't someone who forced things onto others, he didn't do want it done to him so why do it to others?  Although looking her he seen that she really wanted to tell him this,  he backed down.


Hearing her story he frowned,  how can someone treat her that horrible? She was very sweet and nice,  she didn't deserve that.  " I'm so sorry Poli, you didn't deserve any of that,  that's just terrible." he said shaking his head.  " But look at it like this, the things that happened to you made you stronger and you showed them that you didn't need them or their money."  Giving her a soft warm smile he pulled her close to him.   " It lead you to me Poli, without all that, we wouldn't have found each other, good things sometimes come from a bad situation." he said softly to her caressing her cheek stroking it with his thumb.


Nathaniel shook his head. "You can be happy for once Poli, with me without running. "  Looking at her seriously his sky blue eyes looked into hers.  "You complete me Poli, without you I'm nothing,  I need you in my life."  His look sincere and his sky blue eyes happy and sparkling at her.  "The day I  met you was the happiest day of my life,  it's when I started to love again,  its all because of you Poli and when left, I became numb like I was before I met you."  Biting his lip he ran his hands through his hair.


" I love you to Poli, more than you'll ever know. " pulling her more closer to him he kissed her.