A. D. Zabini [2030]

Exams are here. A part of me wishes they were the seventh year ones, just so this whole ordeal would be over. But at least I know I'll do well on a few of these without having to stress too much about them.

I don't know when you need exams to be graded and turned in, but my father wrote and all but demanded that we go home for a few days. Home, however, feels like a loose concept where they're concerned. Is that bad?

I like the flat, I suppose. Hogwarts has, predictably, lost its charm for me. But I'm not sure if even the flat is something I'd call "home." Maybe it's just been too long since I've stayed there without incident.

I wish that weren't true. I wish, moreover, that my parents were supportive. Imagine how things would be if they accepted you. If they accepted me.

This is just making me angry, which I don't need right now. I should be studying. Besides, if they were different, I'd be different and then maybe you wouldn't like me as well. And that's not something I'd like to contemplate.

I was thinking, maybe we should keep doing these. Even over the summer, maybe. Sure, we wouldn't need to do it as often to feel like we're still good. After all, I don't know what your plans are but I certainly intend to see you regularly.

That's not the point I'm trying to make, though. But a lot of what's in this journal is kind of negative. I recognize that. So I'd rather leave you with something nicer for next fall. I don't like thinking about having to come back here under those circumstances.

But if nothing else, I think I'll just continue this one or make another or something in autumn. What do you think? In theory, when you read this you'll be able to turn to me and let me know.

That. That's brilliant. That makes me actually focus on my studies. Because the time will pass, and the sooner that all goes on, the sooner I'll be back at the flat after I escape my parents, and the sooner I'll be back with you.

Can't wait, love. I mean.. I have to, but I don't want to. Where's a time-turner when you need one?

Spoiler:

Lily,

I've just read all of these back. I'm done with exams, so after packing I had nothing else to do but sit down and perhaps write something. But I got to flipping through and just ended up reading them and, well..

I'm actually quite embarrassed.

Most of what I did was complain at you, which wasn't what I meant to do when I suggested the whole thing. I thought it would be endearing, and that I'd somehow find a way to come up with the words I can't manage in person or on the spot. I mean, I know that I'm rubbish at explaining myself.

I tried to tell you about dad, but then Christmas happened and you didn't know that I'd be so upset. I know that's on me. If I'd explained right it wouldn't have gone like that. Or, probably, anyway.

And every time I try to explain what's going on in my head, I always get off track and it comes off as far more.. worried, I guess, than I mean for it to. Granted, I know I can fuss over things much more than I should. I recognize that.

Point is, I'd planned to come up with some really clever lines that'd make you happy despite how ridiculous this whole situation is. I lost that along the way, it seems.

But now that I'm back at my parents', seeing them has really reminded me of the reasons why we're different and why we work and why I'm so hellbent on keeping you around. And now that I've had time to consider it, I think I need to make up for lost time. Because if you finish this at all, I don't want you to come out of it feeling exhausted and uninterested in discussing it.

So here's the truth of the matter, Lily. This is going to be my last entry before I see you and I'm going to use it well.

I love you. I was baffled, in truth, when it occurred to me the first time. In an uncomfortably roundabout way, we have Christian to thank for all of this. One day I'll find a way to thank him without it sounding utterly ridiculous and awkward. Or, I'll try to.

He falls for people so easily. I haven't a clue why, but he does. And it's always people who are too much for him to handle, or too weak to make up for how gentle he is. The first, of course, being you and the latter being Charlotte. I cannot believe that relationship will last. You're obviously brilliant, and Charlotte is nice despite her view of things. But he's too calm and, just.. I mean, you know what I mean. That's off topic.

Point is, I could tell that his interest was misplaced. I just didn't know why. Not until I paid more attention, and gods if what happened that summer didn't nearly do me in. It makes me physically ill to think about what your life was like at that time. It does. Because I swear, if I ever come within range of that cousin of yours, there'd be a number of reasons for the Ministry to arrest me. I'm not kidding. I had no right, back then, to claim that possessive kind of overprotective urge. And I know you don't actually need it from me. But I can't stand for that.

And, d'you know what? Feeling that way makes me a bloody hypocrite. I let a mental Ravenclaw convince me that taking an action against Julian could somehow be validated but all I did was put him at risk of something similar. And I hate myself for that. Still can't even look at the guy. I owe him an apology as well. As it turns out, I'm still a coward. It sounds counterintuitive, but I need you to hold me to that debt, Lily. Otherwise I genuinely don't know if I'll ever do it.

I'm a bit of a nightmare, really. And it isn't fair to you, but I know beyond a doubt that I would've have behaved this badly over the past few months if I'd been able to just.. talk to you. Somehow you settle me down and even out everything that's going on in my head. Maybe because I don't want to give you a reason to take off on me. I don't want you to change your mind or decide that you haven't the patience for me.

I haven't made a very good case for myself, have I?

I'm not saying I feel like you're on your way out or anything. I'm not going to let myself go down that line of thinking. My point is, Lil, I'm absolutely mad about you. But if I want this to work I need to bloody well grow up, don't I?

All along I've told you how I want to become a healer and you went out of your way for that Christmas gift but I can't even keep my head on. The only exception is when something's utterly dire. I did alright for the Minister that day. Focused, did what I needed to and kept the fears out. I know I can do it.

I don't enjoy lying, that's part of it. Hearing people speak so poorly of you, that's another bit to be sure.

Is it wrong to wish for the same rights everyone else seems to have? They grow up without expectations or brothers that they're turned against, and they become whatever they want to be if they work hard enough.

Until I met you, Lily, I wanted nothing more than to trade places with Christian. Merlin, what I would've given to be him instead of me. But if all of this has somehow ended up with you loving me, I don't give a damn what I went through.

I know precisely what I want, now. And it's more than I should reasonably admit to you, but frankly I can't be bothered to try and hide it from you.

I would be fine with a job as a healer at any level, regardless of the money it made or the hours I had to work. But I'd be a hell of a lot happier if I had you, and if my family was completely out of things. I don't need their money. The bit I already have would be nothing more than emergency savings and... I mean, that'd be well enough for me. And I know that's kind of mental given it's a good year or so off at this point.

But, darling, I love you and I wouldn't have done any of this if I didn't think it was important. If I didn't think any of those things I want were possible. They might be.

When you read this, and you've somehow made it through this monstrosity, there'll be another thing that I want: for you to tell me what you want. Everything that's happened to us, with us.. it's been about me. I see that now. And I'm sorry. So if you want to fix things with Teddy and haven't done so yet, I'll be there for you. Or I'll stay out of the way, or.. I don't know. And if you find a career you want to go after, I'll stand behind you. Even if it means I have to put something on hold.

I owe you. I probably always will, if we're being realistic. Who knows where I would've ended up with the mentality I had before you? If I didn't want to get better for you? But from what you've said to me about your life, I like to think I've started to help a bit as well. And maybe one day we'll be even. But that means you'll have to put up with me for a while. Even when I'm a proper dunce. And you know I will be.

I'm planning my escape as I start to wrap this up. And then I'll get to hand this over to you with every single fragment of the affection I possess, and hopefully you won't be sick of me by the time you make it this far.

I love you. If there's anything that I want you to remember about me down the line - no matter what happens - it's that.