A. D. Zabini [2030]

Hi.

You left two days ago, and tomorrow I have to get back to Hogwarts.

I miss you.

By the way, I think you left a sweater here. I know you won't see this for a while but.. if you're missing one, I've got a hunch.

So I was watching this show earlier, and this kid said the stupidest thing. I figure you're probably not watching TV on the grounds. I would write down what he said, but it's honestly worse than most of the stuff I've said. And I know you don't really find any of it funny. But that's okay.

Maybe I should watch some standup.

I'd rather you were here to pick something.

...I wonder, if people could read this, if they'd think I was losing my mind for talking to a journal like I want to hold it. They probably would.

...


P.S.
I lied. This was the line:
"Check the weather. I feel a brainstorm coming on."

Well, I'm back. It was good to see you but now I remember how much this sucks. I'm in the library right now, even though classes haven't started yet. Seemed like a good place to write where people won't ask too many questions.

I actually don't have much else to say. It's weird to see you but know I shouldn't pay attention. I'm annoyed already. It's harder to avoid looking at you now. It isn't like I think it's easy for you either. Especially after... you know. But it's difficult. I need to start training myself to stop.

Did I mention I love you yet? Cause I love you. I'd tell you not to forget me, but I plan on being as subtly distracting as possible during your class. Not sorry.

Jan 19.

It's a full moon tonight, you know. .... Obviously you know. That was stupid. I'm sorry.

I know you're fine and you've got plans and if I could come down there again I would, every time. But it's... it's too risky for Christian and Ace. So I'm staying put. Not to make light of the situation, but I'm already arguing with myself so I should probably go ahead and chain myself, too, so I do actually stay. (Now it sounds like I'm grounded or something. I'm not making fun. Merlin, I'm sorry. This was supposed to be sweet, I swear.)

(Trying again.)

I worry about you. A lot. Like, maybe all the time. Because you have way too much on your plate to also deal with me - even from afar. I'm not complaining, obviously, but I do worry that we'll meet for summer and you'll have changed your mind. Or just changed, period. And I'm scared that I'll have to watch it happening over the next six months but have no way to stop it.

I'm also scared that I might change. Surely you've noticed that I don't go out of my way to work with other students. I'm stepping way out of my comfort zone for this. Don't tell Christian. Especially don't tell Ace. I think I'm just tired. I know people think I talk a big game, but most of the time it's other people doing it for me. But I've just gone along with it. It's easier. I've tried to correct that but it isn't working. Before, I didn't have any real choices.

That changed after Christian's accident. After that, I made bad decisions about the shop but I did have a reason. He doesn't know about the research, but I've been doing it. And I know the other students kind of hate me. I helped to make it that way, but they certainly had a hand in it too. But can you blame me? It's easier to do what my parents want when I tell myself that's who I am. And I want to make them proud. But shouldn't they try to make me proud, as well? I feel like that should go both ways.

I think I'm really off topic. And now I'm uncomfortable. My point is, I'm tired. I'm tired and I don't feel like going out of my way for people who assume who I am without asking first. I'm. So. Tired. And you may not even get close enough to realize it because you can't and so you won't and I hate it.

I hate it.

I'm sorry. Please don't freak out. I'm not mad, seriously. I... you'll be reading this months from now so I guess you'll know whether or not I'm mad.

I'm fine, love. School is boring and people suck and I'm used to it.

I'm fine.

I got your gift. I opened this to write and say thank you, even though I already tested it out. But as soon as I picked up the pen, you lit mine up as well. It's like you knew. I hope it was for something good.

I just sent you a message through the charms. That is, I lit it up a few times.

One for I. Once for Love. And one for You.

And now I feel pretty f*cking stupid. So I'm gonna go study.




(i do, though.)

Feb 9.

I know I don't need to tell you what today is. Even future you. Can we treat this day as a mini anniversary? I doubt you realize as much, but two years ago, on this day, Christian said something about you and I finally started paying attention to the people in my class so I could understand what he was on about.

And I certainly did.

By the way, I'm calling your entire day on August 20th. Right now. You better have read this far by then. No excuses.

Spoiler:

Christian stormed out after you left, today.

People know, Lily. They know, and they are not dropping it. And I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone. Christian and Ace know but they haven't exactly done anything to help. They probably don't want to make it worse, but that doesn't exactly help me any. Even if I tried to talk to someone else, what would it matter? Nobody trusts me, and I can't trust anyone to keep it a secret if I ask somebody to give you a note or whatever.

Do you remember the night when your charm just constantly glowed? That's me. Now. I'm trying to tell you but I can't.

They made it worse. They made everything worse and I won't let them do it again. I refuse to lose you, even if I only have you like this. I hope you're writing right now. I hope you saw how I held onto it and you couldn't resist. ...I hope nobody saw or started asking questions. I'm letting go, now, just in case. I've told people it's just a remembrall, like I think I'm meant to.

It's eleven thirty. You might be asleep. I mean, it's a Saturday, so. Maybe not. But... We were stupid at Christmas. We should have picked a time every week or something when we'd both sit down and write. Then, even if something went wrong and one of us couldn't, we'd know they were trying. Or hope as much.

Please don't stop writing in yours.I can't even get myself to let go of the quill. I'm just -- I'm furious. Funny how easily that happens. I don't care what it takes, Lily. Eventually they'll drop it and I'll be able to move on. I really need a friend I can trust with this but I guess this entry will have to do. (Also, please don't ask me if I've made friends once you read this. That's just... I feel ridiculous. Merlin.)

I did something bad.

I want to blame it all on Violet, but I know I can't. She found out about how Lux and Julian were horrible after you left, and how Christian reacted to it. And, apparently, that bothered her?

If you heard about Julian getting sick on Valentine's... that was us. I know you charmed these things but I still feel like people will read it. See, I just wanted to piss him off and embarrass him back since he started the trouble last time. But somehow everybody figured out that something was up. And then Violet made it worse and I fought with Hit, who I used to think was my best friend but now I can't believe what we've become.

She's nothing like her sister, but still. I'm honestly just... shocked. And Hurt. It hurt.

So... Why can't I show you this early, again? Aside from the PA stuff? Because I need you. Nobody else bothers to stick their nose in and cool me off when they need to. I wonder if I'm scaring them off or if they just assume I can't change.

Probably both, right? Either way, this isn't good. I know it was stupid. Just means I have to come up with a new plan. To either ignore them or change this, somehow. Wish me luck. Or don't. I mean, you won't see this, so - Nevermind.