Don't Forget Me

Hello, all. Perhaps you're reading this because you noticed that my name is no longer that lovely Admin blue. Or maybe the name of the thread confused you. I won't get *completely* sappy at you, but know that this is incredibly painful for me to write.

I adore you guys. So much. But I think you deserve to know a few things about me.

My friend died today. Back home, that is. And that's exactly what I was afraid would happen - that I would lose someone while away. Mind, if it had been family I wouldn't be here explaining this at all because I'd be just destroyed. But I can't stop thinking about them, and it's freaking me out.
I also started counselling last week because my friend Sam convinced me to, finally. It's good, in many ways, but also really scary. I'm afraid of having to talk about my friend when I go in next Monday.
I have two books a week that I have to read, and I've actually made really great friends, who are helping me out. So basically, I'm swamped.
Plus I'm participating in a book review community in order to become more experienced with publishers before I graduate and have to search for a job.

I wish that I had the time or energy to use PA as a place to write out how I'm feeling. I do. I don't want to leave, at all. I've spent the past two and a half years growing to love this site and everyone involved in it. The last thing I want to do is lose you all.

A few questions I'll go ahead and answer now:

1. Will I come back? Quite possibly. If I do, there are a few characters I'll take up again, but I daresay I won't have nearly as many as I used to. I can guarantee that I won't return before December, but also that Christmas and New Year's will be incredibly difficult for me this year, so I won't be around for those weeks anyway. So it's more likely that I would return sometime in January at the earliest. But I can't make promises.

2. What about the characters I have now? I'm putting them under the protective eye of Eli, though I know that if I can't return within the timeframe, I'll lose my canons. And that's okay. But I've got folks like Jackles and Kiera and Kitty to watch out as well and make sure that my babies don't get changed or messed up. End plots with them if you feel you must, but please don't mess them up or use them as NPCs without asking me. It would genuinely break my heart to come back and see them all changed and wonky.

3. Will I stay in touch? Sure! I don't think that coming on this site will feel too great, though, so if you want to give me your Skype information or a sort of spammy email that you don't feel weird about handing out, I would love to chat with you. Just shoot me a PM. I'll check in throughout the week a bit, but after that I need to make a clean break, otherwise it'll just hurt even more.

I'm so sorry. And I love you all lots.

Love you so much, dear. <3

We will miss you!

We'll miss you dearly hun.

We'll miss you Addie!

We'll miss you, Addie. Take care. <3

Oh sweetie. You know we don't necessarily deserve to know any of this. You're not obliged to tell us why you need to be gone.

Anyhow, I don't know if it will help but I'll tell you a thing. I have severe epilepsy. When I have seizures, I stop breathing. I can also go into Status Epilepticus, which is when the seizures just don't stop. I need to be injected with a muscle relaxant (such as morphine) to stop them. I have almost died a few times.

As a result, my mother, who I live with because I always have seizures when I'm asleep and therefore cannot tell if I'm going to have one, gets very anxious about going overseas. But my mum's in her sixties, she was a single parent, when we were in school we never had real holidays. Of course I want her to go overseas now that she has the opportunity.

You probably feel terrible about not being there with your friend. But I doubt your friend would have wanted you to miss out on an opportunity.

When I wake up in hospital, the first thing I worry about is my mum. I know she'd be devastated if I died. I never worry about myself, though. Because actually dying is not that scary.

I agree that seeing a counsellor is a good idea. It's scary at first, but it makes things easier in the long run. And they won't force you to talk about anything you don't want to (although they might "encourage" it). I wouldn't have anywhere near the quality of life I have now without the coping skills I learnt from seeing someone.

And don't stress about PA. Remember: It's Pretendy Fun Time Games, NOT Serious Business. I've come and gone heaps of times over the last six years. Sometimes saying (or doing) really poisonous things when I did so. Tolerance is one of the wonders of this site.

Oh, you guys. I just sort of want to snuggle all of you.

To those of you who sent me PMs, I've read them, but I don't know how to respond just yet. And to those of you who shared your stories with me, thank you for that as well. I don't have a lot of energy just now, but I do want to respond to those who gave me their emails. It'll just take a little while.

For now, just know how helpful you all have been. <3

Just get back to where you need to be sweetheart. We will still be here whenever you come back.