Travels Born Out of Fear

Pacing was, almost assuredly, something Adrienne refused to let herself do. Once she started, she couldn’t find a way to stop, the general acceptance of her fears settling in even more than they already had. She shouldn’t have told him she could handle it. Because she just wasn’t ready. Their world was in turmoil but she had let her own stupidity and desires cause this. Doing her best not to make audible sounds of panic, Adrienne covered her mouth with a hand and walked faster. He could walk in any moment and see her and know instantly that she was not herself.

Finally, Adrienne knew she couldn’t wait any longer. She had to leave, even if he wasn’t there yet. Her brother was out there somewhere, and she didn’t care if he didn’t want her to find him. She needed him back, and it sounded like he needed help. Perhaps she could provide that. Sure, if Kaiden knew about the change she’d been going through, he would have none of it, but this wasn’t up to him. Audriana knew where Asher was. She could always tell the middle child find her elder brother. The older woman clearly seemed to be able to handle herself, so it didn’t surprise Addie that Audriana had found him.

Any minute, she knew Kaiden would open the door downstairs, climb the steps, and walk into their room. Then, she would be doomed. He would do whatever he could to stop her, and she couldn’t have that. Stopping suddenly, she shook her head and rushed to the closet, pulling out a travel back. She didn’t even look at the clothes she picked out as she thrust them into the bag, tugging it over her shoulder and glancing about for anything else she might need in case she couldn’t find someone.

Flicking through the memory of girls in her house, Adrienne settled on one that could help her. One with a large family and a new husband with connections. Surely he could know Audriana – she seemed more likely to know people that could help her and probably had ties with the Ivanovs. From what Addie understood, they seemed to be mixed in with just about everyone.

Just as she shifted the bag, reaching for her bathroom supplies, the door in the bedroom opened, making her flinch. Damn, She groaned mentally, closing her eyes and letting her chin fall. She let the bag fall, landing on the floor with a soft thud before she sighed. Opening her eyes, she glanced at the mirror briefly, trying to cover the nervous expression that flashed over her eyes. One deep breath and she had turned to stick her head out of the doorway and look at him.

“Hi,” she greeted, her voice too breathy. “Um, I was just…” Addie lifted a hand and brushed a section of hair behind her ear, glancing at the floor as guilt hit her. “Um.”

Sometimes he wondered how he made it through things the way he did. Without knowing much about what he had to do and basically just winging it. That was no way to get anything done, but it seemed to work for Kaiden when he first started at the Ministry as an intern, and that was what he continued doing. And it was what continued to work. He had luck on his side, that was a definite thing.

How long would that luck last though?

He started to think that it wouldn't be long. Addie had nightmares, ones that scared him. Not because they were too bad or anything like that. It was because he was scared that something would happen to her. The nightmares weren't anything that weren't of importance. They were about someone who was important to Addie, about her brother Asher. Since she began having the nightmares, he was always scared.

She always called out for him, wanting to find him and even though she explained what she was dreaming of when he woke her up, she never seemed to think she called out to him. He never told her though, he thought she would eventually realize it. Maybe she had, but she just didn't want to say anything to him. He didn't really know why but he wasn't going to question her about it. She had a right to not say anything.

But he was scared that she would try to go after him. Maybe she really was over it, since it had been a while since she and her family had found out that Asher was still alive and he just didn't want to be around because he didn't want them to get into trouble or danger. But that fear had always stuck in the back of his mind and constantly tormented him when he thought about her nightmares. If she really did go after him, she was going to be putting herself and their baby that was growing within her in danger, and he didn't know how he was supposed to stop her. He didn't think he could stop her, but he couldn't let her go. She couldn't put herself or their child in danger.

Kaiden sighed and turned to face the door of their bedroom. He had to trust her, he had to trust that she wouldn't just leave to find her brother. That if she wanted to go, she would at least trust him enough to let him know, that she'd let him come with her. She couldn't go alone.

Turning the doorknob he walked into the room, the door creaking slightly as he did so. Addie poked her head out of the bathroom and he noticed that she seemed a little bit suspicious. She couldn't finish her sentence as she tried to explain what she was doing and he looked at her with a confused look. "You were what?" he asked softly, taking a step forward. "Something wrong Addie?" he added shortly after.

He looked tired, she noted, and stressed to say the least. Unfortunately, Adrienne was aware that at least part of that was her fault. He woke her several nights a week to calm her down, brushing away the tears that came from how very shaken she was by the images her mind created of her brother lost and needing help. What if she was right, and Asher really was lost out there without anyone to help him? She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she had expected it and then one day she came to find out he had been attacked and none of them knew.

The nightmares had been getting progressively worse as she wondered after him each day. Helping at Keiran’s school wasn’t enough to distract her, leading to last night’s problem: She had ended up feigning sleep rather than actually managing it. In the morning, she was half expecting him to comment on her sleeping through the night comfortably, but didn’t really want him to say anything. That would only call attention to the problem of not having slept and cause a discussion she really wanted to avoid.

Worse still, Kaiden looked put out, which surprised her. Even though his voice was gentle, she could practically feel the worry and tension coming off of him in waves. The real question at that point was which lie she was going to tell. Or if she would tell the truth and let him get mad at her. In the end, she decided it would be better to just skirt the truth and tell a lie of omission rather than a straightforward lie. She had never been good at that, anyways.

“I was putting together a travel bag. I’m going to see a friend for a few days.” Immediately, she racked her brain for someone who would either allow her to pass on the lie or actually allow her to stay with them. She returned to her thoughts of Trisha after only a moment and decided that the younger Ravenclaw was her best bet. “A girl from Ravenclaw, a few years younger.”

She nodded, as if to convince herself as much as Kaiden, tugging on her hair absentmindedly as she trailed off. Blinking a few times, she paused before turning over her shoulder and returning to her packing. If she had pulled it off, Adrienne knew she would be reprimanded seriously later. But that hardly mattered when she had a chance, an opportunity, to help Asher - or at least to find out what had happened him.

I'm going to see a friend for a few days.

Kaiden felt his breath catch in his throat. He looked at her, eyes narrowing, and cleared his throat. There wasn't any harm in Addie going to visit a friend, was there? She was just visiting. Unless she was lying to him, but she wouldn't do that. Would she..? Why are you thinking like that? It's not like she's done anything to lose your trust, so stop it. he mentally reprimanded himself for even thinking that she would lie to him for any reason. But the thought was there now and it made him uncomfortable.

"And when were you planning on telling me that you were leaving?" he asked, a little bit harsher than he had intended. He was tired, that much was obvious, and he was a little on edge. More than that, he was afraid. Afraid that Addie would leave to look for her brother, that she would.. abandon him.. and put herself and the baby in danger for someone that didn't want to be found. He knew that it was her brother, and that she would look for him no matter what, but why did it have to be now?

He knew the answer to that too. He just didn't want to believe there was an answer. He didn't want her to leave, he didn't want her to get into any trouble, to put herself in danger. He cared about her too much, he loved her. He watched her turn and continue her packing and something pulled at his heart. Why did he feel like she was just leaving him? That wasn't what was happening. Maybe this just reminded him of his mother, who up and left his father with him and his sister when he was younger. He saw his vision start to blur and started blinking back tears. He couldn't cry now, he wouldn't. Addie wasn't like his mother, she wouldn't just leave him, especially not while she was pregnant with his child.

"Do you want me to go with you?" he blurted out, fear starting to take over. "I wouldn't mind." he added belatedly.

He didn't want to let her go alone. Kaiden grabbed his hands behind his back and continued watching her, holding his hands tightly making them start to feel numb from the amount of strength he was holding them with. He shouldn't be scared, he shouldn't be panicking the way he was starting to. "Can I at least take you?" he asked. There's nothing wrong with her visiting a friend. I know that. But if she'd just let me at least take her there.. just to make sure that's where she's going.. He started to feel like that obsessive boyfriend who didn't like letting his girlfriend go anywhere, except that he was her husband rather than boyfriend.

Adrienne was actually grateful that she had turned before his next question came out, because her eyes shut involuntarily at how angry he sounded. “I’d only just decided,” She admitted, tossing her hair over her shoulder and she righted herself and slung her bag over her shoulder. In truth, she was waiting for him to register that she had packed a myriad of things – more than she could need for a few days. Turning over her shoulder, Adrienne caught sight of his face, making her brow furrow in concern as well as confusion.

What did he think she was doing? Leaving him? Hardly. She just… well, she needed to find help. It wasn’t that she didn’t want help from Kaiden; it was that she absolutely knew that Audriana could help her get what she wanted. Yes, her husband would help her. That she was certain of. But it was entirely likely that neither she nor her husband could actually discover what needed to be found.

“Kaiden-“ She attempted, cut off by his added statement.

Crossing the bathroom, she stopped in front of him and set the bag down next to her feet. He spoke again and she sighed, reaching out to run a hand down his arm. She tugged slightly to persuade him to release the hand in question. When Kaiden relaxed enough, she took his hand in both of her own and looked down at where they were clasped. “Darling, you are mad if you think that this has anything to do with you, or us. I don’t want you thinking that, ever.”

Her brow furrowed gently as she peeked up at him from under her lashes. He would likely not let her go if she told the truth. Adrienne felt that it was obvious. The idea that she was comfortable lying to him was downright absurd. But how else was she meant to escape and set things right? Her heart ached at the very thought of it. After a brief pause, she steeled herself before settling on the story she would give him.

“I just… Love, you’ve got a job and the like, and yet I’m stuck sitting round all day because it’s nearly impossible that someone would hire me when in a few months time… well, I’d just have to be on leave. But my point is, Kaiden, that I merely want to see someone and do something.”

For once, Kaiden wasn't sure he believed Adrienne. No, it was more like he wasn't sure he wanted to believe her. This hadn't happened with him before, not toward her. He would always believe what she told him, it he didn't she wouldn't have been able to make her way into his heart. And that was something that she did easily, too easily.

He wasn't sure what was wrong with him right now though. Okay, that was kind of a lie. He did know, he just didn't want to admit that it bothered him though it wasn't something too stupid that would make him look like an insecure little kid if he mentioned it. Addie was pregnant. That was his problem with it, with her going somewhere without him even if someone else was there. He didn't want her to be out without him the way she was.

Kaiden was defensive and protective of her as it was, and her pregnancy just made him worse. The way she was speaking to him right now, kind of irritated him, frustrated him and he looked down at their hands. He tightened his grip on her hand for a moment before he looked away from her and pulled his hands away. "I don't think that." he told her, a weird tone in his voice. It wasn't anger, or maybe it was, but there was a strange tone that seemed like a mixture of frustration and sadness.

He could feel her looking at him but he didn't want to look at her. He felt like he would do something stupid if he did and that was the last thing he wanted. But for some reason, now he was angry and he wanted to get away from her. He just didn't want to hurt her, but he didn't want her to leave either. Her next statements didn't help the way he felt, they actually worsened his mood and he turned away from her. "Fine. Then if you want to leave so badly, just leave." he almost yelled.

"Kaiden!" She gasped, stepping away just as he had. It came out fairly high-pitched, but Adrienne hardly found it in her to care. Her eyes were watering, but she kept him in her sights until the first tear streaked down her cheek. Instantly, she turned back to the bathroom, dashing the drop away in the hopes that he hadn't glanced over and caught a glimpse of it. A shuddering sigh left her as she wrapped her arms around herself. She wanted to ask how he could talk to her that way, but it wasn't like she hadn't brought it on herself in the way she went about it. Instead of questioning Kaiden, she was immediately questioning her plans. Looking to the ceiling, Adrienne knew that staying would only make her more upset. It would cause friction and almost inevitably make her angry with Kaiden, which she didn't want.

As she stood there, she found that she wasn't upset with him so much as she was with the situation. It was far worse, she decided, because neither could fully own up to it or fix it by themselves. It would take the both of them coming together to solve it. But just then, Kaiden couldn't understand what she needed. Leaning over, Adrienne lifted her bag back into her shoulder and cringed at the weight of it. The bad wasn't hardly heavy, but it felt like it was due to what she now carried on her back: the pain of Kaiden shooing her. Of his sending her away.

Passing a hand over her face once more, Adrienne ensured that her cheeks were clear of tear stains before turning round to look at him where he stood a little ways off. "I'm sorry... I don't want to hurt you, but I'm hurting myself if I stay." Though it probably wasn't the best possible way to phrase what she felt, Adrienne couldn't help but accept the truth she found in the words once they had escaped into the air between them. "I wish it wasn't like this. That you could understand. That you wouldn't speak to me like that. I don't know. I wish for a lot of things. But my traveling for a few days might grant me one of my wishes, so I can't pass it up. I can't stay."

She took a tentative step towards Kaiden, but only made it a few inches before anxiety took over and she halted again. "I'll send you an owl when I figure it out, if you want. Y'know, if you... If you want me to come back. I understand if you don't -- it doesn't seem like you do, right now. But, Kaiden, know that I hope you'll want me, because I'll always want you." Adrienne swallowed back the emotion she felt, throat tightening before she breathed out: "I love you."

For someone who had only said the words to Kaiden a handful of times, Adrienne felt that they had never been so hard to say. Not even the first time she had whispered the phrase and he hadn't expected it. Her problem, then, had been an ability to use endearments and be open with her affectionate movements - brushing back his hair as they spoke or curling into him as they sat - but the halting manner of speech that had made the admission difficult. That first time, the "I love you" had come on the tailcoats of their wedding when someone told her they were sorry for her. In front of Kaiden and everyone in his party. Adrienne had sent the woman a withering look before pulling him off to sit in the hammock of her backyard. Dress or not, she didn't care about her clothes as much as she did about the potential of his being offended. So it was as she pulled him into lying down, and curled herself around him, that she spoke the words gently, breath rising in clouds into the chilled air of the tree canopy above them.

This time, the words struck her right in her chest, and she didn't wait a moment before passing him and running down the stairs to throw powder into the floo and call out for Trisha and Caspian's home.

"What did I just do..?"

He hadn't meant it. He hadn't meant to say what he said, he hadn't meant to send Addie away. He was just.. he was angry and everything she was saying hadn't helped. But he didn't make a single movement as she passed him and headed down to the floo and disappeared. He'd managed to hear what she said when she'd thrown the powder down and for a second he thought about following her, but he stopped himself.

She wanted to be away from him, and he wasn't going to ruin that for her. He deserved to be left alone now, after what he'd said to her and how he'd spoken to her. He wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to come back. Though that was the opposite of what Addie had said to him before she'd left. Her last three words stuck with him though. She wasn't exactly the type of person to say it often, but this time when she said it, it was different and he didn't like that she had said it before she left because he'd gotten frustrated and basically sent her away.

Why was he so stupid? There had to be something wrong with him that he always ended up ruining everything and pushing the people he loved away. He had to find a way to fix things but he wouldn't be able to if Addie was gone. But he also didn't think he should follow her, at least not right now. She probably wouldn't even want to talk to him now. He had to wait a little while before he followed her but he didn't want to spend the night alone. He didn't want to think about everything that had just happened. Even though it looked like he had no choice but to do both.

It wasn't strange for Trisha Ivanov to have run out of things to do, considering the fact that she was still working with her parents instead of having transferred to the Ministry. As a student, it would have been difficult anyway, so it made sense not to. But as a wife, she couldn't help but feel like Caspian was taking care of all the expenses and she was just sort of riding along on them. Even worse, she hadn't found it in her to admit any feelings stronger than deeply caring for him, which was very true. She did. But she couldn't say she loved him back considering everything that had happened and her general inability to share feelings with anyone outside of her family.

Though, as Adrienne had pointed out a while back, wasn't Caspian her family, too, now? He sort of had to be, at least until the law was repealed and things could change. If the law was ever repealed, anyway. Trisha hadn't really been counting on things to change after a year of the law being active and with no sign of it going away. So Trisha wasn't totally sure what her problem was regarding explaining things to Caspian. Maybe she just needed an excuse or a reason to say it. It wasn't like she didn't think she loved him. It was totally plausible. But she didn't know, and that was the real problem.

At least, she mused, her books kept her company while he was at St Mungo's for his internship. It was charming, really, his interest in medicine. Trisha felt a bit silly saying so, but it was true. It just made her laugh a little when he told her about his day and everything that had happened. Always pretty enthusiastic, that boy. Rather, that man. Her husband.

Closing the hardback in her hands with a snap, Trisha caught the time and noted that Caspian would be home any minute and she could ask about work. Maybe the more attentive she was, the more that he would see that she cared. In a strange way, they worked as a couple, even as those around them struggled or fell apart. But even as she considered this, the fireplace roared to life and a brunette came out, tripping a bit before righting herself and brushing off the dust.

"Adrienne?" Trisha asked, staring at her from her chair across the living room. Something was clearly wrong, as Adrienne's face was streaked with tears and her palm pressed against her stomach like it was churning. Brow creasing with worry, Trisha stood, set her book on the low table in the center of the room, and walked over to take Adrienne's bag from her. It was set on the floor so Trisha could take he girl's hand and lead her to the couch. "Addie, what's wrong?"

She couldn't recall the last time she had seen the Ravdnclaw cry, regardless of exhaustion or boys or anything at all. Adrienne was the stronger of the two girls, and Trisha was suddenly grasping at anything she could to help. Had she been seventeen and allowed to use magic outside of school, she would have set tea on from her spot on the couch, but instead she just ran a hand up and down Adrienne's back.

After a few moments, Adrienne collected herself enough to explain what had happened, and finished her story just as Trisha heard the tell-take signs of Caspian coming home. "Don't worry about it, Adds. We've got a spare room, and I'm sure Caspian won't mind helping you. I'll write Robin and Avery tonight and see if they can get in touch with her. Okay?"

"Well, that's all for today. Sorry you had to experience all this today."

"Don't worry. I would've had to experience it anyways."

"Well, at least it's out of the way and you'll know what to do for next time it happens. Which it probably will, since broken limbs always happen. Just not as bad as this one."

Caspian actually wished he hadn't had to see what he saw that day, but he wasn't going to admit it. Especially since he was going to be a Healer as soon as he graduated. Well, he hoped he was going to be one. He still wasn't sure where his interest in medicine came from but he was glad that it had happened. Working for the Ministry was something that Caspian just couldn't see himself doing, even though he was sure it was something his father would have preferred to him being a Healer.

After putting his robes for the hospital away in his training locker, Caspian gathered his belongings and said his good-byes to the employees that still had to be there and the new ones that were heading in, he apparated home. He never thought the day he would be able to use magic outside of Hogwarts would come but now that he was seventeen, it was so much better for him.

Not wanting to startle Trisha by apparating into the house without warning her, he appeared in front of their house and took out his keys. He was sure she could hear the noise created by the keys, if she was in the living room, and he unlocked the door and walked into the house. Closing the door behind him, Caspian put the keys and the other things in his hands down on the table off to his right and he said, "I'm back Tris." before he noticed that she wasn't alone.

"Oh, um.. Hello Adrienne." he greeted the older girl. He noted she was alone, and he wondered where her husband was, but he decided that it might not be best to ask why she was alone. At least not now, so he would ask a little bit later, unless it was answered for him without the question having to come out of his mouth. It seemed like Trisha was comforting Adrienne for some reason, and he really hoped it wasn't because she had problems with Kaiden. He didn't like when there were problems like that, it scared him because things between him and Trisha were going fine but when there were problems with other people it made him think that they would have problems too, but it was worse since they weren't comfortable with the marriage in the first place.

"Something wrong?" he finally asked them.