Anonymous

The full moon had passed and Lily had recovered. She had thought she would quickly and quietly return to Hogwarts because that was how she remained without suspicion and out of trouble. And then she had remembered that she would have to go to History of Magic, and she had been particularly dreading that class because they were studying ogre wars – the most boring of all the wars. So, she decided to remain in Hogsmeade, just for another day. It was easy enough to find a room for the night to rent. The next day she had packed up and left… before checking in to another room. The first skipped day had been Monday. It was now Thursday.

Lily was not sure what was keeping her from returning to Hogwarts. She had sent Casey an owl saying that the full moon had been particularly bad and that she was recovering at Mungo’s, and that was all she had said to anyone. If something were to happen to her while she was out her, no one would know where to begin looking. No one would know that she was in trouble until Casey inquired at Mungo’s. And by the time they got to her… well, it would be a long time. Probably too long. So it was very stupid and very dangerous of her to have stayed away from Hogwarts so long. And she was… proud of that fact. Proud that she was doing something stupid and dangerous.

Lily had always been very clever. She had always worked hard at being very clever so that no one could say she was much like Albus or much like James or much like her mother or much like her father. She had been told she was like her namesake, and like her Aunt Hermione, and that was good enough for her. Until she realized that she would always be just like the Lily or Hermione. She would never be uniquely Lily Luna, not in this family of greats. So she was doing something that none of them would do – she was throwing off the shackles of being a Potter and existing as a free entity, untouched by reputation.

And she was drinking and smoking. A lot of that during the nights.

She had already had a Firewhiskey and it was just about six o’clock. It was beginning to turn dark and she stepped out of the pub, fumbling with her jacket to zip it up and block out the wind. She reached into her pockets and found her carton of cigarettes, quickly sliding one out. She touched her wand to the cigarette tip before stowing it away. She sucked in, vacuuming in the nicotine and tasting it on her tongue. Her fingers plucked the cigarette away and she tipped her head upwards, closing her eyes and breathing out, attempting to push the smoke past the stars.

She could get used to anonymity.

Scorpius needed out. Badly, and right now.

It was rare that the blonde got claustrophobic, these days. That had been a thing of his youth, his school years, something that that he'd long ago left behind him. Perhaps it hadn't been as behind him as he's thought.

Scorpius always got into the most trouble during, or directly after, one of his episodes. They'd started because of his father. Then again, so many of his problems had. The boy would come home for summer, and Draco would tell him that his marks weren't good enough. His father would critique every action, every word, and then explain to a blank Scorpius why it wasn't good enough. Not for the Malfoy scion.

The first time it happened, he was eating a meal with his family. He'd blinked, and suddenly the walls were closing in on him like they intended to crush him completely. Scorpius made it two more minutes, before making some excuses about feeling unwell and bolting from the room. He'd ended up outside in the rose garden, wondering what the hell had just happened.

He figured it out, quickly enough. The Hogwarts student never dared to tell his parents, unsure if his father would be displeased or sympathetic. Draco was odd like that. He usually didn't care what his children did in private, as long as the things he disapproved of never reached the public's ears or eyes.

But then it started happening in school. He'd get suddenly claustrophobic when struggling too much to cast a spell, or right before exams, or when assigned bucket loads of work. Scorpius played it off pretty well. In difficult classes he'd wink at his housemates, paste on a unwell face, ask his teacher if he could go to the Hospital Wing, and then run outside for some air. When the feeling came when studying for a test, he'd smirk at his housemates, tell them that he didn't need to study, and then sprint up to one of the towers. When feeling trapped by too much work, he'd make a comment about a witch waiting for him in a broom closet, and then break into a run as soon as he'd left the room. He got caught by Professors a few times, because he was supposed to be in class or was out after hours. That didn't matter though, because Scorpius always survived with his reputation in tact.

The man had been busy lately, busier than he'd even been in his life. He had Honeydukes, his job as a lawyer, the Yewbeam ordeal, the murder case he'd taken for Mairen, Marien herself, as well as the Death Eaters and all that came with it. Scorpius should have known that the stress-induced claustrophobia would be back.

The man had been sitting in his office, nose scrunched as he read the file on his desk, and suddenly the walls were closing in on him. The wizard's breathing became shallower and faster; Scorpius could not get out of there fast enough. He didn't show it, of course, strutting toward the Ministry's apparition point like he didn't have a care in the world. Inside his heart was racing.

It got better once he was out of the Ministry, not gone, but so much better. His first thought was to go to a pub, have a drink or five, and the blonde set off to do just that. He hadn't gotten drunk in a while, perhaps that was his problem. Scorpius was just approaching the pub, when someone stepped out. A girl. A girl he recognized. A girl named Lily Potter.

Scorpius had never had much interaction with Lily. They may have exchanged a word or two due to Scorpius being best friends with Albus, but never anything substantial. The blonde had no real opinion on the girl, but couldn't help but wonder what she thought of him. He and Albus were close, but her eldest brother James had nothing but contempt for him. The feeling was entirely mutual.

Approaching the witch, Scorpius deftly snatched the cigarette from her hand, brought it to his lips, and inhaled deeply. All traces of claustrophobia disappearing, the blonde exhaled away from Lily's face and smiled. "Are you even old enough to be buying these things?" Scorpius asked lightly with a raised brow, tilting the cigarette in Lily's direction for her to take back.

Lily was not soliciting company. When she wanted to be on her own, she meant it. (Or did she? That was the thing about lonely people. They often thought they chose their solitude and therefore desired it. But in truth, very few people chose to be alone, and most people hope to be interrupted by a kind word, a friend, or even a cross encounter. Though Lily wouldn’t admit it, she would not mind even the latter.) Nevertheless, she had not been expecting someone to attempt to join her in her quiet escape, especially not a familiar face from her childhood.

She had not exactly been a child when she had last seen Scorpius Malfoy but, looking back, she felt as though she had definitely been more child than adult. It had been before she had become a werewolf, though after she had become an orphan. By that time, Scorpius had not been allowed to hang out at the house because James was in charge and he hated Scorpius. Lily hated Scorpius when she was on James' side, and when she was closer to Albus, she liked the blonde boy. Therefore, in her youth, she had never had a decided opinion on him for himself. She either liked him out of spite to James or hated him out of spite to Albus.

She could not recall ever really spending time with him. He might have asked after Albus once or twice as she travelled in a pack of girls, or he might have joined herself and Albus on a walk to Hogsmeade until she was shooed off by her brother. But she did not think they had ever had that friend-and-sister-of-friend bond that sometimes struck up between people connected by family, good or bad. It was difficult for her to decide whether or not she wanted to see him. She knew she did not want Albus to know she was ditching - but then again, she did not really care what Albus knew. It wasn't like he cared enough to do anything about it anyway.

She did not, however, like people stealing her fix.

She scowled and gave him a look of disdain. "You didn't say please," she commented dryly. There she went, trying to sound sophisticated with her toddler-phrases. Ugh. "Aren't you too old to be out so late with nothing to do but pester teenagers? Shouldn't you be going to bed so you can be up for six? The grindstone will be sorely disappointed to miss your nose."

Scorpius chucked softly, lips curling upwards slightly. Usually when someone he wasn't overly close to spoke to him like that he would get irritated, at the very least. In this particular situation though, the blonde could understand. After all, if Lily had walked up to him and stolen his cigarette, Scorpius would have been more than willing to make a snappish comment in return.  

"Oh Merlin, don't say that," the ex-Slytherin moaned a moment later upon registering just what the teenager had said, "you're making me feel ancient. I'm twenty one, I shouldn't be capable of feeling old yet." Throwing his head back in an over-dramatic sigh, the wizard tried to ignore how true his words had been. The man had always felt older than his age, but never had that been so true as it was now. He was practically raising a teenaged Cesca, had settled into a solid and successful profession, and was in a steady relationship for the first time in his life. This was not how he had imagined his early twenties. If someone had asked him where he thought he would be now a few years ago, he wouldn't have described anything at all like this. All the wizard had ever wanted was some fun, and that was hard enough to come by these days.

"Sorry to disappoint you there Lily, but no matter what happens or how old I get, there is no way I will ever be waking up at six in the bloody morning for work. They could not pay me enough," Scorpius admitted, eyebrows raised slightly and tone only a little sarcastic. Besides, with all the late hours he was currently working, there was no way he'd be functional if he went into the office that early. No matter how much Cesca nagged him into taking better care of himself, he did understand the importance of sleep if one wanted to accomplish much of anything the next day.

There were a few beats of silence, not awkward silence, but just quiet. The stillness felt almost like companionship, but the blonde shook that thought away quickly enough. "So, you've grown up," Scorpius mentioned casually, in much the same way he would comment on one of his sisters' new haircuts.

((just checking, could we keep this thread placed a month back or so? It’s only that currently, Lily has been recovered by Albus, so she’s not running around Hogsmeade anymore))

Lily was aware that she could have worse company. Sure, this was someone who reminded her of the horrible fact that she was a Potter, but at least he was one of those more relaxed presences. So many people she had met through her brothers, especially those who called themselves friends to her eldest brother, had been horridly in her face. It was pretty bad when she had the most in common with Jack Dyllan of all James’ friends, who was so very different from the dark-haired girl. She had liked Scorpius mostly because he stayed out of her way.

And here he was, buggering that up. Somehow, though, she did not feel oppressed or irritated by his presence. Perhaps it was because, unlike so many people she had run into in her time running around pretending as though she did not have obligations, Scorpius was doing this novel thing of treating her like a human being. She had to admit, she had almost forgot that she was that, thinking herself more like a mouse or a gnat, an anonymous pest that might intrigue at first but ultimately needed to be squashed. She had almost all but forgotten that she was a teenaged girl who was supposed to be worried about petty girl drama and cute boys. Not finding her next meal and avoiding her brothers and cousins.

So, Scorpius could easily spell trouble for her. But she had faith in her own abilities to know she was not in much danger. She did not let on much. Ever, really.

Lily smirked as Scorpius fretted about being old. Lily had always felt old – in fact, her current life situation felt very much like a mid-life crisis, which was a bit disconcerting really. She had felt grown by the time she watched her mother become one with the earth, had felt like a full-fledged adult by the time she got her letter from the Ministry commanding she take on the adult responsibility of rearing a child. She vaguely wondered how her ‘fiancee’ was feeling now that she had run off. Relieved, if he had any sense at all.

“Right,” was all she could say. She could not exactly tell him he was younger than he felt. She knew the feeling too much to be kind about it.

He continued on and she put a hand up, indicating he keep the cigarette he had so rudely stolen from her. She reached into her pocket and withdrew the carton she had nicked, pulling out a fresh cigarette. She perched it between her round lips and tapped her wand to it. She immediately sucked in, enjoying the first drag as she tucked her wand back while her other and came up to the cigarette. She withdrew it from her lips and tipped her head back, blowing smoke into the air. This finely tuned dance was second nature to her now and looked more natural than blinking. “Shame,” was again all she could say. She tried to sleep as long as she could, delaying the confrontation with life that happened day in and day out. Unavoidable, inescapable.

He broke the silence, and she suddenly realized something. “No.” She had not grown up. Yes, she looked older, and she felt older, but she had digressed horribly this past month. She had run away. She was ditching school, avoiding family, drinking and smoking herself into a stupor, following Death Eaters around in the hopes of scoring drugs. She was not acting like she was grown. “I’ve grown backwards recently. I skipped all the teenage angst shit when it was socially acceptable, so I think I’m catching up now. I’m obnoxiously young lately. Grown enough to know better, but young enough to not give a flying f*ck.”

((OOC: That's perfect. My headcanon had this set sometime in March, anyhow.))

Scorpius smiled a little as Lily let him keep the cigarette, never mind that he'd stolen it from her in the first place. He wasn't used to that, people giving so unthinkingly. In his world, everything was conditional, with no exceptions. As a child his parents had housed, fed, and cared for him, but that was conditional upon his behavior and making them proud. At school Albus would unblinkingly let him copy any assignment, but Scorpius did the same in return. When he was a teenager at the Malfoy home during the summers, Cesca would cover for him whenever he snuck out, as long as he taught her a new spell or two the next day. Even his relationship with Mairen was conditional upon the the way he talked about blood status. And here was Lily, giving him a smoke without batting an eyelash, and from what Scorpius could tell, looking for nothing in return. Most people wouldn't think twice about something so small, but to the blonde, it was anything but insignificant.

They stood in silence for a few moments, the Malfoy heir watching as Lily pulled a box from her pocket and lit up another cigarette for herself. His eyes followed the smoke the teenager blew into the air, eyes losing track of it as the smoke disappeared into the sky. Head tilted back slightly, looking up at the stars, the lawyer huffed amusedly to himself, before bringing his own cigarette to his lips.

"Enjoy it, now that you're young," he informed the witch, not questioning the logic that would have seemed backwards to almost anyone else. Scorpius thought that he could understand, somewhat, having felt far younger in his first few years of Hogwarts than he ever could have at nine. The blonde had done a lot of growing up recently, having matured in ways he would have laughed at a mere year ago. He knew it was for the better, but that didn't keep him from missing his carefree days. Well, as carefree the days of a Malfoy heir could ever be.

"Growing up is overrated," he confided solemnly, "sometimes it's great, but the rest of the time? It's exhausting, and dull. I almost wish I could travel back a good five years to when I was a dumb sh!t; tell myself not to take it all for granted." There was a pause. "Whenever people tell you to grow up, don't listen. They're just jealous that you've got something they lost a long time ago." Scorpius's voice was uncharacteristically soft and melancholy, as if he was reflecting upon a wonderful dream that he could barely remember.

It was a little odd, that he was confiding in his best mate's little sister, of all people. Scorpius didn't often talk about feelings and that type of thing, but a part of him wanted to make sure that Lily knew what he did. His own youngest sister was more of an adult than him, a lot of the time, and he knew first hand how painful that was to watch. So he was doing this for Albus too, in a way, as well as Lily. Youthfulness was far more precious than most people realized.

"Besides," Scorpius continued, tone changing into something far lighter, "you're stuck in the best stage right now; grown enough to do the fun stuff, and young enough not to care about the consequences. Hell, some people would try to convince you that I'm still stuck in that stage." He winked then, before taking another drag of his cigarette and shaping his lips and tongue in such a way that the smoke he blew out formed little spirals before dispersing into the night.

They had settled into this weird state of peaceful coexistence that Lily was not sure she fully understood or appreciated. She was just so used to confrontation and friction that it did not seem possible someone so closely related to her brother could offer the opposite. Especially since it was her family that often played the root cause of these unsettling circumstances that prevented peace and promoted emotional warfare. No, not warfare exactly. Pre-warfare; the purchase and trading of alliance, the gathering of intelligence, the spying, the jaded remarks, the supposedly civil relationship that hid the toxins eroding it from underneath.

Some people called their families a community or a unit. Lily thought of them each as nations in the stages of pre-warfare. That had to say something.

It seemed Albus did not know she was missing yet, then. Or if he did, his pride was so great or his concern so lacking that Scorpius did not seem surprised to see her, nor aware of the significance. She would not be the one to change that, of course, but she found it mildly amusing that she could get away with so much beneath all of their noses. She did not know whether to chalk it up to her youth making her seem incapable of real harm, or her adulthood from being able to mask the destruction beneath tact and carefully planned words.

He told her to enjoy it and she felt the corner of her mouth twitch. Not towards a smile, but one would not be foolish to mistake it for such. “Oh, yes, I am drinking the very essence of life.” Her words were dull but untinged with sarcasm. Unreadable, as was her tendency. She could not keep herself from being so uninflected, so detached. It was the only thing she really had going for her, in her opinion. Her only means of survival. And besides, while she was not exactly enjoying her youth, she was finally calling the shots. Sort of. And that had to mean something.

He spoke again and Lily felt something bubbling within her. Was it all her failed expectations, blown apart by the realities of this world? Or was it more teen angst bullsh!t that she should recognize as such? She did not thinking that she was a victim of her own psychology, but she did not think she was special enough to be considered tragic either. She could not stop the words from coming, but she could muffle them, making them quiet, softly cynical. “Being young can be quite the exhaustion too.”

Perhaps he would take it in the sense that she was exhausted by nights of fun and parties and friends. Yeah, maybe.

Life was just one big party, wasn’t it?

“The world is my oyster,” she said. She paused, realizing she had once again delivered a cryptic tell-all of how she felt. She would need to cover her tracks if she did not want him to question her. She was not fishing for sympathy. And if she was, the slave to her psychology was, she didn’t want to. She smiled and took a drag of her cigarette, in the hopes if convincing him that this was all apart of her bad girl act and wasn’t to be taken seriously. “There has to be some perks to being grown, yeah? A promotion, a lovely lady, or lad be it your preference, being able to properly avoid annoying owls from the mum and dad?”