Re: An Utterly Unremarkable Correspondence In Which Who Art The Greatest Arsehole Of All Is Under Debate

by Fred Weasley II Tue Dec 24, 2013 9:50 am

(( Nope. I was simply in a very Eoin Macken-y mood at that time. Ignore me Razz

))

To,
The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 20, 2025
Time: 012:21:59

C. Bishop,

Well, its a good thing you're not an Auror then. Those whom you might have babysat in the past must still be striving to get over the trauma.

The vial is a clever piece of work, Miss Bishop, so perhaps sarcasm here isn't the right reply. It shows negative results for most tests- my associates almost gave it up for harmless, before I discovered the traces of magical residue, no doubt a masking spell that must have been initially cast on the ingredients. Interesting ingredients too- hemlock and nightshade. Well-known poisonous substances, but again misleading to the wrong people. You mentioned there being 'natural deaths', quite difficult to pass off as such when the poisons involved cause loss of voice, seizures and convulsions.

I would say ignore the substances- they are clever herrings, but red herrings all the same. They have probably been planted at the sites to distract from the real issue at hand. We have not grown quite fortunate enough for the murderers to considerately forget their murder weapon at the site every single time.

F.W.

P.S. : Those who are overly-confident find deficiencies in everyone else. I, would know.

P.P.S. : I was simply communicating an observation to you, Miss Bishop. There was no need to proposition me. Do try to control yourself.

by Claire Bishop Wed Dec 25, 2013 8:33 am

(understandable. He's a beautiful man)

To,
The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 20, 2025
Time: 01:58:11

F.W.,

Reports have made no suggestion of any such conditions. Victims fell asleep and did not wake - all young, all seemingly dying of natural causes. Not exactly natural for young, healthy people to die, but nothing appeared in their blood and there were no signs of anything on the bodies. No traces of Dark Magic either, so it was not a killing curse. Whoever planted the substance very cleverly got our hopes up on thinking it was poison. We'll keep researching.

Thank you for your help. You did your job - I have to say, I'm surprised.

C. Bishop

P.S: I'll try to control myself in the future. I doubt I'll find much difficulty.

by Fred Weasley II Fri Dec 27, 2013 8:34 am

The memo is a bit wrinkled, and looking ill-for-wear. The airplane's right wing is wobbling slightly, and off-kilter. Maybe because it looked like the parchment had been crumpled once before being used. Almost like the writer wasn't all that willing to send it, before thinking- 'what the heck' and sending it anyway.

To,
The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 23, 2025
Time: 19:29:11

C. Bishop,

First of all. If you're in a condescending mood, pitch this letter into the fire at once. Pay no heed to it, pretend it never existed.

I hardly think this one will reach you today; you've probably left for home already. Regardless. Boredom is a dangerous thing. Highly hazardous, almost as much so as poison arrow tree frogs. I, am particularly susceptible to this affliction. There are renovations going on in my flat- hence migraine-inducing levels of noise; my best mate has been taken captive by the whooping cough and I am under strict instructions not to be seen in any club around the stray limbs of any member of the female race, especially undercover reporters. Apparently, its bad for the Ministry's image.

So here I am, sitting in my office late at night, thinking about life. That's bad for my image, Miss Bishop, I'm sure you understand.

The entire purpose of this memo? One sentence. How's the case going?

F.W.

P.S. : Sorry to raise your hopes with the first line of the letter. Must have sounded like I was about to reveal something particularly heart-wrenching; and simultaneously titillating to your kind.

P.P.S: This memo will disintegrate in five...........four............three...........two......

by Claire Bishop Fri Dec 27, 2013 8:49 am

To,
The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 23, 2025
Time: 19:46:51

F.W.,

You should know something about me, if you haven't discovered it already - this is my home.

Also, in the future, please put any warnings of potential combustion at the start of the memo. My best friend is going to be horrified at the state of my fingernails.

The case. Ah, the case. There was magical residue at the crime scenes that had only been minorly investigated - it seemed natural enough, considering the victims were magical. However, I did my own research and a cracked glass caught my interest. Tests show it shattered after extreme temperature changes - freezing cold. It seems cause of death was by freezing. Temperatures at the scenes were slowly raised so the bodies defrosted before we reached them.

Death by cold. No toxicology. No spell work directly inflicting the bodies. Appears as a natural death. We're following up leads of suspects now.

As for your Humboldt Constricted Base Dagger - we've apprehended Leo Jackson, the man to have last purchased it.

We've been very busy here. You could cure your boredom and come freelance for us. Do not think me unsympathetic when I say I could use a boring night or two.

C. Bishop

P.S: I do have to say, I was shattered when I found no proclamations of deep-rooted, passionate love.

by Fred Weasley II Fri Dec 27, 2013 9:30 am

To,
The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 23, 2025
Time: 19:58:02

C. Bishop,

Its surprising how little that fazes me.

Freezing.......that's unbelievably inspired. You really do have a crafty one on your hands.

Freezing Charms only work on people, not the environment that could have cracked the glass. Weather-Modification Charms are a possibility....but it seems far-fetched to make it rain or snow simply to lower the temperatures- the cleanup afterwards would take far too much time. Runic wards, could be the only feasible solution.

If any of your suspects possesses a Mastery in Ancient Runes, it could be your man.

We hope to see Jackson passed along to our cells as quick as possible. We have.....methods, to have him talk. The important thing here, isn't that he bought the Dagger- but who he bought it from.

All our gratitude. You may just have led us to our elusive enchanter. And more importantly, work to occupy my time. Philosophizing about life can be just as detrimental to the human mind as boredom.

I would have to decline your offer, Miss Bishop, in respect of your own wishes. Freelancing for your department would ensure that you would never have a boring night.

F.W.

P.S.: My condolences. Perfectly understandable.

P.P.S: Would previously mentioned best friend be: a) female and b) attractive, by any chance? Single doesn't really matter to me.

P.P.P.S : This memo will collapse into a pool of mildly steaming Bubotuber Pus in five seconds. I pray it will be an improvement.

by Claire Bishop Fri Dec 27, 2013 5:35 pm

To,
The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 23, 2025
Time: 20:09:41

F.W.,

I begin another assessment of the scenes tomorrow to see whether or not Weather-Modification Charms had anything to do with it - I found one large watermark in the last room that was initially looked over because the rest of the room was furnished just as badly and just as tacky. As far-fetched as they seem, they are our best bet right now. We could have a killer with either a very specific M.O. or one who does not want to get his/her hands dirty.

None of our suspects so far are all that clever. We'll broaden our scope, however, with your suggestion in mind.

Jackson's fate is not as important, anyway. He's been a small time criminal in our book for 3 years now. He violated parole purchasing that weapon, so we may be able to use that card in order to get a name out of him.

I'm glad to have been of any help in curing your boredom. That must be what they pay me for.

C. Bishop

P.S: My best friend is both female and attractive, and I promise, even she is clever enough to pass you over.

P.P.S. You think you're clever. I checked the bottom of the page the moment I got it. I'd retaliate in kind, but I'm not a child.

P.P.P.S. But the coffee your intern brought so kindly and out of the blue might have ink in it.

P.P.P.P.S. It has ink in it.

by Fred Weasley II Thu Jan 09, 2014 6:01 am

To,
The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 24, 2025
Time: 08:49:41

C. Bishop,

Coincidences are remarkable things, no? One does not understand why they happen, but they do, and in ways that are highly satisfactory.

My boredom yesterday dictated that I should Floo all those desolate friends and relatives back home in Britain, poor sods that had been deprived of my company. There was one among them, a certain J. Dyllan that you wouldn't know, who possesses a rather brilliant sense of humour and more importantly for the purpose of this memo, owns Weasley Wizarding Wheezes. That, in case you were unaware, is a massive chain of stores, inventing and selling jokes items and other sorts of useful products. After my conversation with her yesterday- I sat and pondered, and realised what it was that was bugging me.

Weather in a Bottle. That was a product introduced by WWW in the market in 1996, and according to its name, when opened- unleashed magical weather conditions affecting a small radius around the bottle, usually a single room. Hailstorms, balmy weather, desert conditions.....or arctic temperatures. Rather handy for a person with a brilliant idea how to execute a murder...but not possessing the requisite power, or skills to do so. I took the liberty of checking the list of the people based in the States who ordered this product by owl post in the past three months. A man by the name of Mack Vincent was the sole member of the list. Four vials in three months.

You wouldn't happen to have a suspect named that, would you?

And yes, I don't suppose I need to remind you to drop me the name the moment you get it out of Jackson. Wouldn't like a delay like the previous one.

F.W.

P.S: Said best friend's name wouldn't be Elsie Norton, would it?

P.P.S: For someone who professes not to be a child, you have this delightful tendency of contradicting yourself. At least I'm honest about it.

P.P.P.S: I don't drink coffee. My intern does, though.

P.P.P.P.S: Which would explain why I have a notice from Employee Rights Against Abuse on my desk right now. Blue teeth really does nothing for Jennifer. And I was so sure I'd land her by next month too. You wicked woman.

by Claire Bishop Sun Mar 09, 2014 11:12 pm

To,
The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 24, 2025
Time: 09:10:03

F.W.,

I actually know of Ms. Dyllan. She is not one to remain unknown for long.

Mack Vincent is currently on our list, but there has not been probable cause until now. I just sent two of my men out to detain him.

Jackson gave the name this morning. Names, rather. All he could give us was Mr and Mrs Pace. That was the names he was given. Apparently, they met in the Hog's Head.

I hope that is enough for you to work with. We've begun our own research as well.

C. Bishop

P.S: There is no way you could know her name. You looked it up. You cheated.

P.P.S. I wouldn't call it childish. I'd call it playful.

P.P.P.S. Ah. Sometimes, casualties happen.

P.P.P.P.S. So I did her a favor. I don't feel so bad now.

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