Reconciliation

Declan passed her a disapproving frown when she spoke poorly about herself, pressing his lips together. He decided not to comment on that, though, knowing she would take his meaning easily enough from his expression. He did brighten up, though, when she started taking him seriously.

"Don't be afraid to dream a little bigger," he teased, smiling at her around the lip of his beer bottle.

He felt a bit like a yo-yo, because she looked distraught again, and he wasn't sure what he had said that time to cause it. Closing himself off, Declan covered his disappointment and waited for her to get through her ponderings. Turning his gaze to the counter, he set the drink down and leaned against the front of the drawers, crossing his arms as casually as he could.

"Dom, you know I have to ask this," he began, unable to even feel guilty about it anymore. "What's the problem, here? Honestly. Because there's nothing different that's gonna happen because we're together. We basically are, anyway, aren't we? I'm not going for someone else, and I trust that you aren't either."

Shaking his head, Declan took a step back, setting his hand on the counter again and staring to the side at his faucet. "I understand thinking labels are stupid or whatever but... If you don't want to be called that, I won't do it. I'll just say we're together," he decided, throwing up a hand and narrowing his eyes as he looked back at her. "But I've been through hell waiting for you, Dom. When am I gonna be enough for you?"

To even dream bigger. She didn't know why she had not grown up more ambitious. Maybe it had to do with her family, and she was more like the Potters than she thought. Her entire immediate family was incredibly ambitious - for their careers, their relationships, their alliances. She just did what seemed easiest and tried to grasp some semblance of excitement. But that excitement was so fleeting. It made sense to find excitement in the things you did every day. So much sense that it was irksome that she had rebelled from her family's wisdom for so long.

He set his drink aside and did that classic-Declan arm cross, making her realize she had just stepped into more serious ground, which she should have expected. When it came to whatever they were, he had always been the one to take them more seriously. It was what had originally upset their balance, back after the Yule Ball. That would always be their major disagreement it seemed - he would always take things too seriously for her, and she would always take things too lightly.

Or maybe not. Maybe people could learn and change.

She let him say everything he needed to say, unable to construct any sort of answer before he was on to the next question. It wasn't until he asked when he would be good enough that she felt an answer immediately bubble up to her throat, and she stepped forward, closing the difference between them. She reached out and grabbed his arms by the elbows, pulling herself close to him as she squeezed him. "That's not it, Dec, that's not it at all. I feel so horrible about... whatever hang ups I have. I don't know why I am so anti-commitment, I really don't. I'm just so not used to taking things seriously and you do take things seriously, and I'm going to f*ck it all up and you think I'm worth it but in the end no one is and..." She shook her head. "I just... don't understand why you want to take the risk on me. You know what it is like to have some break your heart. Why are you willing to risk me doing that to you?"

A part of Declan wanted to flinch away when she moved towards him but he thought that perhaps, finally, he had struck something in her that changed things. It wasn't as though he was really trying to make her feel guilty. That wasn't at all what he wanted. But maybe this time the way that he felt would open her eyes up to what he had been experiencing for the past six months.

But, no. Not quite. Not at all, apparently.

He felt rather ill once she questioned him and he had to pull one arm away so he could lift his hand and pass it over his face. His forefinger and second one settled at his temple and Declan couldn't help that his eyes closed out of exasperation.

"No one is worth it? Why the hell are you here, then, Dom?" He asked, landing his gaze back on her. "You actually wouldn't be here, Dom, if no one could ever be worth it. Your parents wouldn't have gotten together. Mine either. It isn't about someone being perfect. It's about never wanting to spend a day without someone there, if only because you can call them or write them and they'll be there. It's- it's wanting to eventually face the terror of raising little humans with them, and you know as well as I do that the idea of doing so is daunting.

"But Dom, I'm not asking for that. That's not what I'm expecting from you, if that's what you're scared about. I'm not fussed, actually. I'd be fine adopting someday down the line, if it bothers you. But I'm not getting any younger, as much as I hate saying that. I'm getting older with every single word I say to try and convince you, and I don't mean that metaphorically."

He turned his chin away, letting his tongue wet his lips before he rolled them together. "It's like you think I'm asking you for the world, here. Or like you want the right to go off one night and do whatever because we're not technically a thing. And I don't really believe that but what am I supposed to think, eh? At the end of the day, right, it's about thinking, God, isn't it great that if I want to chat with them tomorrow I can? Or, if this new job plan falls to shit, I've got someone who won't laugh, who won't judge, who won't treat me like rubbish because of it. Instead they'll help me come up with something new and they'll care and they'll tell me and show me that they do every single day for as long as they can put up with me and hopefully that means they're around forever.

"Why is that so awful?"

Dom would have started crying because, lately, Declan had that affect on her. Dom had never been much of a crier. Not only had she rarely had cause for it, but because she was typically the type to rise to any sort of challenge presented to her. It was that competitive spirit that her sporty years had given her. She knew she could be emotional but she had always prided herself on being the tough sibling, the one who responded with spitfire and anger rather than tears. When had that gone away?

Maybe when she started considering someone else's feelings.

She knew his emotions were valid, but she felt like he wasn't listening. This didn't have to do with him or anyone else. There was some disconnect in her brain that did not allow her to be normal about relationships. There was no tragic trigger, there was no logical reason. She didn't want to be with anyone else, she just couldn't picture life in that way, even if it was what she wanted.

And there it was. That veela anger. Anger at herself for not understanding, unfair anger at Declan for not understanding for her, anger that things had not just fallen into place, anger that the certainty that things would sort themselves out during her vacation had just dissipated. Her cheeks flushed pink and she felt herself pull away from him, her lips pouting together and then pressing together as she tried to keep them shut long enough to be respectful.

And then, she burst.

Right over his own words, she snapped, "I didn't say it was awful, Declan! That's my problem. I want those things. I want to be able to call you all the time. I want to lounge about your house and I want you to complain to me about rude customers so I can empty their drinks when they aren't looking and I want to curl up next to you and watch movies. I don't want to look for someone else. I don't want to disappear again. But that's not how life works! The first time we slept together, everything changed and got scary and sad and you didn't look at me the same. And I know that as soon as we start acting like a couple, things will change and maybe you won't look at me the same way!"

She wanted to add a petulant little 'jerk' to the tail of that, but for once in her life she was being serious. Maybe she should keep trying it out.

"Dom, you really don't understand. There are an impressively low number of things you could do to change the way I feel about you. You can't have all those things you said you wanted without being with me. I don't understand why you don't see that! It isn't hard, it isn't unheard of. It's.."

Declan turned away fully at that, trying to gather some semblance of his wits and the good humor he had had before her unexpected arrival. Bizarre as it might have been, once he had his back to her he could think again.

He didn't have her frustration staring him in the face anymore, and he could finally take a moment to breathe and figure out some more realistic way of getting her to wrap her brain around it.

Tilting his head back, he looked at the ceiling for a few seconds before he could bring himself to turn and face her again. "I need to tell you something. I don't know if it's a good idea or not, really, considering what you've just said. And before you freak out, it isn't about Danica. Not this time, anyway." Planting his feet and trying to look more pleasant than hurt, Declan took a breath before explaining. "You're gonna lose me if you keep doing this, Dom. And that's why I have to say all this, why I have to be like this. Even though it might mean that I lose you. 'Cause I wouldn't have gotten the flat all ready for just anyone. I wouldn't have- have been strong enough to tell her no if you hadn't been on my mind."

Stepping forward, he took up her hand and pulled her towards him, unwilling to let her keep backing away. Instead, he wrapped an arm around her and lifted the other to her cheek, leaning in until he could've kissed her if he wanted to. If he'd just tilted his head the right way. "I wouldn't want to be this close to you," he continued, more quietly, "for as long as you'd let me, if it wasn't true. But it is. Honest to God, I don't know if I know why. I don't have one good reason. But I'm falling for you, Dom, regardless of anything that's happened. A part of me wants to say that I love you, but I don't think I can do that properly, yet. And I don't think you would want me to."

He backed away, then, a sad but almost blank sort of expression on his face. "I could see that day arriving, though. Easily. And you're right. You could destroy me if you wanted to. I'm not convinced that you would, though. In fact, I would be willing to bet the whole of the Leaky that, actually, you like me a little more than you're letting on, and that really you're as scared as you think I should be, and that's what this is really about. I'm not scared, Dom. I'm not scared at all."

She forced herself to listen to Declan, to this man she really did care for, forced herself to stay put, even though indignation was bubbling up in the pit of her stomach. She wanted to argue with him so badly, wanted to make it all clear. But every time her words took formation in her head, they swirled around, got broken up by hers, fell back to the floor of her brain where they desperately tried to pick themselves up, like wounded warriors desperate to join the fray.

He was close to her and she could feel that electric sizzle between their lips, the need to close the gap, the desire to envelop in each other. That feeling she had felt before, except she felt herself withstanding the feeling because she knew they needed to sort this out. Never did she abandon an instance of immediate gratification for the wiser, more responsible choice. Maybe that was what scared her about Declan. Did committing to him mean growing up?

And shouldn’t she have been long past that?

His threats made her angry, and her face turned red as she bit her tongue. It wasn’t that he was wrong. It was that he was right and he knew it. How dare he use it against her? She felt those tears stinging, so mad to be up against a wall like this, knowing it was long coming and she could have stopped it had she been less of a piece of shit in this situation.

He loved her. He wanted to love her. Hadn’t she explained that that was the problem?

“I’m glad you’re not scared,” she whispered, almost accusatorily. “I am, okay? I’m young and like you said – you’re ready. I don’t know if I am. If I was certain, this would have never been a problem. But I’m scared of taking a plunge and then wasting your time. I know how shitty I can be, and-and… I like you a lot Declan. I liked you well before you liked me, I swear. The second I met you, you were kind and funny and you didn’t even know it. And I think we were just pals but I thought about you and then we slept together and that’s when you seemed to get interested in me.” She paused. “That sounds bad – I don’t think that… It’s just… You take me more seriously than I take me. And I take you more seriously than I’ve ever taken anyone. If I didn’t care, there wouldn’t be an argument.”

She took in a deep breath and let it out. “Do you at least understand why I’m hesitant? It has nothing to do with you not being enough, nothing to do with not wanting you or wanting to share myself with you. It has everything to do with me realizing that I may lose you and lose you forever and that is going to really hurt, Dec. It’d be horrible.”

Declan wasn't at all sure that he liked her tone, but he knew he had no right to blame her. He was being demanding with her in a way that he hadn't really done before, apart from when he properly told her off that day at Hogwarts. Still, he found himself bristling and wanted to back away again.

"I understand not being sure, Dom, but people have gotten together for less. And, alright, you don't want this yet," Declan agreed, stepping back and holding up his hands in a sort of surrendering gesture, "but I want to address what you started with."

One hand fell and the other made as though to point at her just as accusingly as she had spoken to him, but he stopped himself, slapping it down onto the countertop more loudly than he actually meant to. He winced slightly but kept on.

"You may not realize it, but I'm well aware that you're younger than me by a fair bit. I'm aware that this sort of thing is scary the first time. I get it. Seriously, I do. But you've no idea what you're on about, love. I'm not -- kind, or funny. Or, well, I wasn't. I went out of my way to be anything else and I know I shouldn't have. Because I didn't do it to just anyone, and I don't think you ever noticed. I did everything I could to keep away from women I was attracted to, and to keep them away from me, perhaps for obvious but misguided reasons. I don't know what you've done to me, Dom, but for some bloody reason I'm still standing here."

Declan picked up his bottle, frowning at it but taking it with him as he moved around to the open part of the flat. He needed more room, to pace, to think.

"I hated how much I liked you, that's why it seemed like that." He couldn't stop watching his feet as he walked slowly, back and forth along the length of the bar bit behind his sink. Couldn't look over at her. "I was too reserved, too harsh. And then the Yule Ball happened and it seemed like... I don't know. Like maybe I was wrong. And I would have just dropped it and walked away, but you argued with me when I tried to get away, and I thought..." His feet hesitated, and he paused to shrug before taking off again.

"It doesn't matter, clearly. That was then." A thought struck him suddenly, so he stopped and rested his forearms on the top of the bar so he could look over at her. "Dom, I- I care about you. Obviously. But I can't do it like this. I can't plan dinners and hope you'll like them and be looking forward to them only to remember that I'm not actually yours and you're not mine. It's f*cking up my head. I don't want the world from you, Dom, but I'd rather have none of the intimate stuff at all than be like this. I want to help you get whatever it is that you want out of life, and I swear to you that I will, but I can't be more than a friend to you until you're ready.

"Especially if, to quote you, you're worrying about all this getting sorted before you leave. Darling, you need to decide what you want, what you need. Maybe there will come a time when you decide that it's me. But until then, it seriously needs to stop. It's exhausting, this wondering about you. And I'm not trying to blame you for it, because I chose to suggest this myself. I knew you didn't want it. But now I need to ask you to back off until you know. Please."

He didn't relent which, while frustrating, was almost a relief to Dom. She felt, as much as they kept circling and circling the problems, that at least they were getting it all out. Neither of them were particularly soft people but they had become so with each other, almost dancing too gingerly around the other. She was finding this to be more honest, more realistic, less uncertain... even if it could all blow up any second.

She opened her mouth to argue as he moved to point at her, taking a step towards him, when he slammed his hand down. She drew back in surprise, her mouth snapping shut and eyes betraying the surprise at his sudden movement. She felt adrenaline flood into her fingertips, her heart flutter, and something solidify in the depths of her stomach.

Was it bad that she sort of just wanted to... take him right there?

He began pacing and she found herself watching him with heavy eyes, her breathing a bit shallow from the excitement of the argument (and y'know... that other creeping excitement). She felt herself on edge but in that way that made her feel really alive.

"So you get it then," she said back, a bit biting. "How can you be so mad at me when you did the same thing?" She knew it wasn't the same. She knew it. She knew it. "Maybe you need to stop planning and hoping! God, just be yourself Dec! Why won't you just be yourself. I thought you were literally the coolest person before the Yule Ball because you were never trying to be a certain way. When you were happy, I knew you were happy. When you said something funny, it was totally by accident. Merlin, I loved it when you were grumpy because I knew you really meant it. Stop... stop... trying to impress me! It makes me feel like there's a reason it's all gonna fall apart! Just... why won't you be yourself with me?"

Her face suddenly turned stony and she took a step forward, grabbing his wrist, kind of hard, revealing her athletic upbringing. "Hey. Have you been listening? That's the problem, Dec. I don't want to back off." And her eyes almost dared her to command her to.

"I'm not being myself?" He challenged, his voice raising dangerously. "You've seen every part of me by now, Dom. The anger, the impatience, the- the fear and the affection and everything in between. I don't know how to be anything else. I don't- What do you-?"

She stepped forward, taking hold of his wrist, and Declan instinctively released his drink, leaving it on the bar. For probably a full minute, he didn't say a word. Just stared her down, expecting her to go on.

Finally, though, he stepped forward until he was toe-to-toe with her, using what few intimidation tactics he knew. It wasn't fair, and Declan was fully cognizant of the fact, it wasn't as though Dom hadn't just tried the same thing. He lifted his chin slightly, looking down at her, and eventually spoke.

"I can't give you that. It's not enough for me. You're expecting all of the perks without putting any faith in me. If it offends you to think that I want less, perhaps you need to take a second and realize that wanting more is a good thing." He pulled his hand back, trying to extract it from her grip. "Perhaps you need to realize that treating a man like he's a toy is bound to eventually make him think that it's true. Why would I want to be with someone like that? Or, in your case, not be with someone like that, but still give everything I have? Why should I give you anything I have, Dom? Emotionally or otherwise. What if I don't want to love you after everything you've put me through?"

Finally he felt the surprise she had felt, going as far as to release his bottle when she grabbed him. A small gleam in her eyes probably betrayed her excitement at having returned the favor. He claimed that she had seen all of her and she felt her eyebrows raise challengingly, tilting her head as she whispered in a dangerous, accidentally-seductive voice, "Oh really? This is a new side of you I haven't seen. So that's not true."

They stared at each other for a tense moment, both refusing to break the silence. She must have looked a little too confident in herself because he suddenly closed the gap and she felt all of the air leave her lungs. She knew Declan wouldn't hurt her - he was too good of a person. But she felt another surge of that excitement, only now there was something foreboding about this. Something very potentially not-good.

She thought he was taking things too seriously before.

He began speaking and she immediately felt a stabbing feeling in her chest, a lump forming in her throat. That wasn't what she was trying to do - it was what she had tried to avoid. No, she just wanted to be certain. She just wanted to make sure she wouldn't mess it all up once he was too attached.

Good job, Dom. You waited too long.

"That's not-" He tried to pull away, but she tightened her grip, not holding hard, but squeezing, reaching another hand out to provide a comforting touch. "No, that's not- you're not a toy. I-"

She swallowed, closing her eyes. "Dec. That's what has been scaring me. What if you don't want to love me after everything?" She opened her eyes and looked up at him. "I know that I messed up, a lot, but I honestly just... I'm so bad at this. And everything. And I know that. I know how much I mess things up. And when you told me about Danica... I was so mad, Declan. So mad for you. Because you're the last person to deserve that. You deserve someone who will always make you feel happy and safe and I know how flaky I get and... I tried. You met my family, Dec. I left Paris. But I know it's not enough and I think it's so unfair of me to take you when you deserve..." She blinked rapidly, releasing his hand, her own fluttering to the side of his face and and his chest. "You deserve the best. I'm... trying. Trying to be it. But I've lived my whole life not being that. I'm sorry. One day you won't want to love me but, merlin, every day I want to be worth loving for you."