Lily L. Potter, 2030

Apollo,

I promised myself I'd write the first day back. As soon as I got situated, the Headmaster had meetings scheduled and work to do so now I'm sat on my bed, all but ready to fall asleep, but I'm determined to write something to you before I my eyes close.

I hope you're not too lonely at the flat by yourself. I'm surrounded by coworkers but they've never felt like people I could talk to. Still, at least I have the option.

I have a confession. I stole one of your jumpers. It's an older one. Has a strand unraveling. Smells like you.  Forgive me?

All my love,
Lily

Apollo,

Tomorrow is the first day of term. I've been locked away this entire time, reviewing curriculum and arranging lesson plans. It feels too adult for me. Not that I feel like a kid. I don't know. I feel caught between. I don't feel like either. I don't know. I could fill this journal with what I don't know.

I keep stopping myself from being sappy. I'm not sure why. I'm not embarrassed by it. I don’t think I have a problem with being sentimental. Maybe I’m afraid that it’ll look like I’m exaggerating, or treating how I feel flippantly. Maybe I just need to preface it by assuring you I’m not exaggeratedly, I’m not being flippant. I mean what I say and I wish I could say it to you. There. I’ve given myself permission.

One thing I do know is that I love you.

My mind keeps going back to Christmas. We did it all wrong, didn’t we? The tree is supposed to be big, the decorations should have some sort of sophistication to them, the stockings should have been for more than just show. There should have been more cocoa and less cooking channel. We should have at least picked one relative, even someone distant and obscure, to make it more Christmassy. But it’s easily my favorite Christmas. If I had months to plan another one, I’d do it just that way again. Maybe skip the Death Eaters (I think Death Eaters??) but otherwise, all of it just as it was.

Maybe I’d make it last longer. That’d be the change.

I have to go to bed. Classes start tomorrow. I should be better prepared and more focused. This is why I’m a terrible adult.

I’ll see you tomorrow,
Lily

Apollo,

I saw you today.

I thought about the night of the ball.

I’m going to get fired, aren’t I?

Lily

Apollo,

I had an idea today. I know I already gave you a Christmas present but there’s no way I can’t give this to you, and there’s definitely no way that I can wait on it either. I need to buy a Remembrall to pull it off, and I’m already pouring over my books trying to figure out exactly how I’m going to charm it. I thought about talking to Kaiden Professor Poliakoff about it, to try and get a better idea, but it’s not worth the risk. You’ll see what it is soon enough. I hope I can get it to you by the end of the month. Let’s make the excuse Valentine’s Day, and it’ll just be a few weeks early. Valentine’s is a made up holiday anyway.

I can’t look at you in class so I find myself having to look at Ace and your brother. I’ve known Ace my whole life, and she’s basically always been that way. It’s funny though. Sometimes I can see how she might be just a normal person when she’s working with your brother. He’s been a really good influence on her. I don’t know if she’s noticed but she seems willing to let things go more easily. I hope she’s a good influence on Christian, or at least good company.

I never thought to ask you  - you and Christian were with Molly when… that summer. Are you all friends? She hardly talks to you in class. Of course, she doesn’t talk to anyone, it just made me think… You know, right before Roxi came for me, Molly found me. And I warned her about Roxi. I told her to stay away. Life’s weird like that, isn’t it?

Having this journal to write to has made me realize all things I haven’t had a chance to ask you, or tell you. I worry I’ve taken the little time we had together for granted, didn’t fill up. But these journals are a wonderful start. My heart hurts, in that really good way, I think you know, every time I look at it.

Congrats, you won at presents.

I have a remedial potions lesson tomorrow. I know you won’t read this for months, but please send help.

Still wearing your jumper,
Lily

Apollo,

I'm worried I won't have as many entries as you do. Please believe me that I want to be writing. The start of this term has been so much busier than last term. I suddenly recognize that I'm responsible for my students OWLs and NEWTs grades. Not wholly, of course, but I can certainly be a deciding factor.

I know what being here for Christian and Ace is important, and it is nice to be able to see you (even if that's all I can do) but sometimes I wonder if I should have never taken the job. Then, at least you and I could steal a few moments together, and we wouldn't have to lie to so many people. And the students would have a teacher better suited for them. I don't feel like I've earned any sort of authority.

I'm exhausted from the full moon, but classes don't stop. I hope you didn't worry about me. I've gotten this down to a science. I've also been spending my time trying to work on a potion that helps the body with the transformation, makes it less of a devastation to muscles and bones, something easier to come back from. Obviously, it didn't work, but I'm hoping. Hope's all we have some days.

In better news, I figured out your gift. Working on getting it to you now. I hope you like it. I think it'll go well with the journals.

I love you. I think about you every night, every morning, and every spare moment in between.

Lily

Apollo,

I don't have much time to write. I've been thinking about the word dedication. Words have had more meaning to me, now that I'm trusting myself more and more to speak.

I've never seen someone with as much dedication as Ace. Maybe one day she'll let that shine past all of the side effects it causes. And your brother's dedication to a cause that he really has no claim to beyond decency is so admirable.

And then I think about the way you looked at me after our fake fight, and your face when I gave you your present, and how uncertain you seemed even with the best gifts ever... And that word comes back to me. And I feel so dedicated to you.

I love you. Be good to yourself for me.

Yours, yours, yours,
Lily

Apollo,

I take it you like the gift. It takes everything in me to not overuse it and fill every second with reminders that I'm thinking of you. But I suppose that would defeat the purpose.

I'm looking forward to this next month. I think I've finally caught up with and gotten ahead of the workload. I'm hoping this means more time for writing to you.

How has January already ended?

I hope your month was okay. It's been a month and we've survived. Maybe if we concentrate and close our eyes, it'll be summer when we open them.

with my eyes closed,
Lily

Apollo,

I got your note just now. I have no idea what you have planned but my heart is thundering at the thought of even a moment with you. I can't imagine and I don't even want to - I just want it to be later so I can see you.

Lily



Apollo,

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I know this is my second entry for one day but I don't care because I love you.

Future Lily, Future Apollo, February 9th was a good day. A day I needed.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Apollo,

Seeing you today was a surprise. You catch me off guard so easily. But I think that has something more to do with me not needing my guard up when I'm around you.

The room seemed tense. I hope everything's okay. I keep wanting to tell you to take care of yourself, to trust people, to rely on friends, to make sure you have people. Of course, I can't tell you, so I just put it out to the universe. Even I have people. Kind of. I get coffee with a guy from this group therapy thing I used to go to. He's nice, and we can talk about having messed up brains without judgment or explanation. I'm still bad at being a friend, I don't know what to do with myself, but it feels good to try.

I hope you're trying. If all else fails, you know Christian cares about you. And you and Ace didn't kill each other the last time you partnered up in class. At least they know. And they haven't told.

And if not them, someone. I don't want my absence to cause you to withdraw into yourself - not again.

Take care of yourself, love.
Lily