Endeavoring to Believe

It was amazing, Shady’s depth of compassion. Avery had trouble understanding it, but found herself staring at him in a sort of awe. At least he was leaning towards drunk, as he had said, and probably wouldn’t notice enough to comment. As he spoke, she merely watched and took in the sheer honesty with which he spoke. Sometimes she had to wonder at the conviction of others, at how certain they were in regards to their fate or their future. Naught but a few weeks ago, she had kept awake at night for fear of having to wake up and realize that Robin had a new chance to send her packing. Then again, nightmares about the attack and those nights still managed to wake her if Robin wasn’t wrapped around her or vice versa.

She glanced down at his hand, but made no move to push him away. Instead, she just looked up at him through her lashes and pursed her lips slightly. “In this world, normal isn’t necessarily a good thing. Especially with the laws. I mean, if it weren’t for the marriage law, none of this would have happened.”

But you wouldn’t have Robin, either. Or the baby, Avery reminded herself with a mental frown.

“Don’t apologize,” she murmured, understanding the need to just talk. To just be. Settling her hand over his where it rested on the counter, she added, “And please, don’t- look, you don’t have to listen to me, but it may not be wise to keep on drinking so quickly. It only makes the hurt worse – trust me, I’d know. I got beyond drunk after a fight with Robin and… well, I ended up kissing the best friend I mentioned. Hardly my shining moment, but somehow, not my darkest either. Embarrassing hardly covers it.”

Yes, she was mothering him. But she didn’t want him to get any worse. She didn’t want him to say something he regretted, considering his apparent need to be secretive. She understood that need well, having spent the majority of her life that way, even going so far as to drop her first name for the sake of protecting herself. Giving his hand a squeeze she sat up straight again and returned her hand to the bit of the bar in front of her.

“Look, as little as we know each other, I feel that we understand each other’s problems well enough to keep from judging. I’ve not explained the worst bits of me, and while you may be right in saying that your wrongs are more dramatic than mine, I have a feeling that we have both been changed to the point where we felt we couldn’t be fixed.” Avery suggested, giving him a kind and knowing look.

“See, it’s not the same thing as hiding away to protect yourself, but I didn’t speak a word for four years, because I was convinced I would hurt people and destroy someone else’s family besides mine. Maybe not physically, but my concern with the emotions of others is so strong that I can’t help feeling so guilty about it. The first thing I remember doing is tearing my family apart and breaking my sister’s heart. So I get it. Maybe not to the extent that you do, but I’m hardly allowed to judge, am I?”

Glancing at Jason in an attempt to curb Shady’s drink allowances, Avery shifted on her chair so she could face the man who didn’t seem so much like a stranger anymore. “I’ll level with you, okay? My name is Avery, and if you don’t want to give me yours, I’ll give you a nickname so it’s not so… I don’t know. Difficult.”

Felix shook his head lightly, a small smile on his face. "Normal is everything I've ever wanted... to hold a regular job.. have an apartment, be paired up by that shitty marriage law." A bark of a laugh escaped his throat and turned into a light cough, his hands clenched on the bar in front of him as he gasped for breath. It was a bit more then he probably should have let her know. The fact that he hadn't been paired up by the marriage law could only mean a certain number of things. One, he was doing something really secretive for the Ministry, two he was already married (though it was obvious he was not), or three... he was a criminal on the run who was hiding from the Ministry in general, and would not be put into the marriage law's list for any reason.

She spoke about how much he was drinking and he sighed, nodding as he realized she was right. He was going to be pretty sick in the morning, and he honestly wanted to remember the conversation he was having with this woman. Especially after her next comment, about being changed to the point that couldn't be fixed.

Tears filled Felix's eyes again and he felt like a child, a child who had done something naughty but didn't want to confess to it for fear of being punished. He looked over at the woman again, wiping his eyes on his sleeve as he did. "You have no idea... the extent of the pain I'm in when I think about what I've done... I've changed so dramatically these last few years it's changed my outlook on life. I have a new purpose... but that alone isn't enough to redeem myself... my situation is at the point where it's impossible to be forgiven." He was shaking again, though now it was more with his entire body, not just his hands.

Felix looked shocked at her words about not saying anything for four years, and he leaned towards her, a bit too close in his drunken state, his eyes locked on hers as he spoke in a quiet, gruff, whisper. "I don't think.. you could ever be capable of hurting anyone for very long. You are kind and compassionate and... and..." Felix searched for a better word in the recesses of his drowned brain, before shaking his head and moving on. "You could never do enough bad in this world to warrant silence." He said with a small smile towards her.

Avery... such a pretty name. A name that didn't quite fit this beautiful woman in front of him, but a pretty name all in itself. She asked if she could use a nickname for him and he couldn't help but grin. "Never had a nickname before.." He muttered, being completely honest. The most he'd ever been called was Barker, and only because it was so easy to spit out with venom attached to every syllable. Sometimes he went by Alex Fawn, but for whatever reason, he couldn't bring himself to lie to this woman, he was unable to give her a fake name simply because it wasn't the truth.

"You can give me a nickname... I'd actually kind of.. er.. like that." He said with a small sad smile as he drowned the rest of his drink and pushed it away, not asking for another as he turned to look back at this woman. "If I were to even... begin to describe the deeds I've done.." He stopped and glanced around. "I couldn't do it... so openly.. I mean... Not only that you'd probably call the Aurors to come grab me and haul me off to Azkaban.." He said with a shiver.

"Ah Avery... I only... I wish my past wasn't my past.."

Avery couldn’t help the sweeping guilt that came over her as Shady started on about wanting all of the oddities she had been put through as of late. The things that she thought were terrible, that so many in their community – in their world – thought were the be all end all… were nothing. She hadn’t even heard the man’s story, but she just knew somehow that if he ever shared it with her, she would feel even more awful about complaining over such minimal and pointless (in the grand scheme of things) problems.

Her expression quickly became one more of sadness and sympathy more than worry over Shady’s drinking habits.

“You’re right. I don’t know what it is that you feel. But in my mind, because of the world I grew up in and have experienced all these years, I can understand what you mean. In my obviously limited bank of knowledge I have only my experiences and the experiences of the people around me to go off of. Because of this, my problems are the biggest ones I’ve been forced to face – so though I daresay I’ve not managed to mention all of them by now, they are the most painful thoughts I can find. Depressing, isn’t it, that so many are like me – or even less aware of the struggles of others – and don’t realize how much pain the people around them go through.”

Yes, she ignored the tears. She had never been one to cry in front of others if she could help it, but also did not know how to handle them. Especially coming from other people. It wasn’t that she didn’t care, obviously, because it was clear that she did. She couldn’t come out of the conversation without doing so, it seemed. What she did do, however, was scoot her things towards him and move to the empty seat that separated them. She wasn’t entirely sure why she did it, except that it allowed for quieter conversation than they already were managing, and that everyone needed some sort of human comfort, even if just in proximity.

When he leaned in, her eyes widened fractionally but she refused to pull away. “You’d be amazed.” She mumbled, mostly to herself, in an attempt to curb his compliments. She wasn’t always very good at receiving them – especially lately. Avery could accept the fact that she appreciated his ability to see the good in her. For someone who seemed to have such a complicated past, he was amazingly open to new acquaintances.

He was clearly not in his usual, proper state of mind as he had been when they met, but Avery couldn’t hold it against him. She knew well the desire to block out the pain and the real feelings in order to pretend something hadn’t happened. She only thanked her past self for not having gone out drinking after Robin found out about the kiss – Merlin, that would’ve been a mess. Some awful combination of drinking while hung over and pregnant, not to mention the fact that the hurt she felt is his ignoring her could have caused far worse decisions.

It was only then that Avery realized that perhaps he would not like the name she had given him in her head. It could certainly come off as judgmental, which wasn’t the intention, even when she made it. He admitted that he would somehow appreciate the gesture, so Avery tried to find the words to explain her choice. “Well… When you first spoke to me, I started calling you Shady, in my head, for want of a name. It wasn’t meant in any sort of derogatory nature. More in jest. Perhaps it wasn’t the best idea, and I can think of another if you’d prefer…”

Avery nearly replied to his halting words before Shady let a wish escape, making her own eyes sting with repressed tears. “Everyone deserves a second chance, you know. My friend, she is set to marry the son of Draco Malfoy – grandson of Lucius Malfoy. As far as she’s told me, he’s not much like them, and is truly someone she loves. If anyone seemed to deserve a second chance, it’s her fiancé. Why don’t you get one, too?”

"Those problems are important to.." He said slowly, shaking his head slightly as though trying to clear his mind of the clutter the drink was now pressing in on him. "Problems are... what make us the people we are.. Without problems life would be boring.. but sometimes I wonder if life could let me have a break." He said with a small smile, looking down at his hands. "However.. there are people who struggle.. who deserve to struggle." He said carefully, unsure of how to phrase this properly.

"I mean.. some people do such bad things... sometimes they don't deserve pity.. They don't deserve kindness, or acceptance.. of love." He frowned and suddenly rested his head down on his hands, pressing his hot forehead against the coolness of the back of his hand. Of course when he looked up, he realized she had moved closer to him. Instead of two seats down, she sat directly next to him. That caught him off guard, as it had put him even closer to her face then he had originally meant to.

He backed off quickly and looked away, his mind wandering between subjects in a way only alcohol let it. As though everything had been greased down and left running smoothly for the first time in a while. He felt as though everything were sharp and clear, though with a tinge of blur around the edges.

She spoke of the nickname she had given him, and he let out a bark of a laugh, looking at her with a grin on hips lips that had not been there moments ago. "Shady? I like it." He laughed, letting his chuckles escape as the drink loosened his tongue and let him find the nickname all the more funny. "No need to apologize for it, I love it." He laughed again and had to put the back of his hand to his lips to help stifle the chuckles that made his whole body shake. "Best nickname I've ever gotten." He said with a grin before letting his chuckles subside.

He sat for a moment as he contemplated her words, his forehead creasing ever so slightly until he couldn't stand it and he looked at her again, still frowning. "I've used up my second chance.. well.. more like I had it wrenched away from me without any chance of redemption..I was given one, and I ruined it.. I was so close.." He let his voice drop to a whisper as he looked at his hands.

"Just a little bit longer.. if they had given me a little bit longer... I might not have spent the last two years hiding in caves, eating squirrels, and scrounging up food from bins.." He sighed and turned his hands over, staring at his palms now. "I had been given a chance.. but then a man came to take me away... and I fell right back into my old ways without even a thought.. even though...." His voice trailed off slightly and he groaned, bringing his hands up to his face and down to his chin, blinking a few times.

"I just.. There are few people in the world who would want to give me a second chance.. some people have already proven to me they don't want me to have a second chance.. I mean.. who would want Barker out in the streets again? A man like me... with the past I've got.. I can't be trusted anyway.. but at this point I'm so far past second chance that even if they were able to get vertiserum down my throat, they wouldn't believe me and would probably just kill me anyway."

He hadn't even realized he had let his last name slip as he contemplated his second chance. Cruelly torn from his grasp by Grindewald. He had been close to the point he was at now, sitting in Azkaban with a tiny plant and a woman who wanted him to change, instead Grindewald had flown in and broke him out, and he had gone with him, without so much as a look backwards.

Felix's hands were shaking again as he moved them away from his face and turned to look at her. "Some people are past the point of redemption... no matter how much they wish that weren't true.. Sometimes I wonder if life would just be easier if I handed myself in, let them torture me, or kill me, or whatever.. it'd make life so much easier for everyone involved. But I'm too much of a coward to die.."

He seemed so… lost, even as he sat there talking to her. Avery could feel her face fall even further as he spoke, a need to counter his words rose within her until she was nearly bursting. As soon as he settled and it was obvious that he had finished speaking, Avery started off, words fervent and almost breathy. She knew her fingers were curled into her palms as she spoke, the words falling too quickly, but she just couldn’t help it. His talking had struck a nerve and she wasn’t sure how to handle it.

“I’ve never met someone who did something for no reason, bad choices or otherwise. People don’t do things just because. Whatever you did, I’m sure you had your own reasoning behind it, or you wouldn’t have done it.” Avery swore, leveling her gaze on him even though the cloak could easily obscure his face. Even though he wasn’t looking at her.

“Everyone needs love, okay? Everyone. I don’t care who you are or what you did, you need it to- to function. To breathe. I spent over eight years of my life craving it but being denied the chance. Longer than that, actually. I could never let that happen to someone else if I could help them.”

Avery was pleased to hear that he accepted her name for him, and was glad to know that she could finally address him aloud rather than cutting off the end of her sentence where she would rather add a name. A smile lit her face, eyes crinkling slightly at the corners.

He turned his head to look at her again and Avery gave him the most open expression she could manage, taking everything he said at what she assumed was face value. “Second chances shouldn’t have a timeline.” Avery practically growled, knowing full well that she wasn’t the one affronted in all of this, but knowing that if not for Keiran, Gavin, and Robin, she wouldn’t have found her place.

Shady continued, and Avery just wanted even more strongly to understand. She needed to understand. Hadn’t she read a million stories about redeemable characters? What made this man any different? It wasn’t like Avery had actually managed to redeem herself in regards to her past wrongs against her family. Even if she couldn’t save this man, she could help him in some way. Make up for some of the mistakes she had made.

“Wanting to live doesn’t make you a coward. It makes you determined. It makes you brave enough to face your wrongs and it means that you’re redeemable, Shady. I don’t know if that name you mentioned was supposed to mean something to me – I spent years ignoring everyone around me and the public affairs of the time, so I could full well have just missed it. I really don’t care. See,” she added, one hand lifting to settle on his arm. “I have some friends with connections. One in the law office at the Ministry, one who deals with dangerous people daily and undoubtedly knows ones who could help you in return for her protecting them or returning their valuables to them. We could help you. We could.”

Felix let out a bark of laughter as she spoke about doing things for a reason. He knew his reasons behind it, and they had been idiotic and childish, but as a full-grown man with a love for knives, he had taken revenge instead of turning the other way. Only his revenge had been torture and death.. things no one should do, things that made him shudder just thinking about. He looked at her as she finished speaking and he shook his head again.

"Oh I had reasons.. petty reasons that I shouldn't have followed through on. I was angry with the world because they had judged me before I was old enough to understand why I was being judged!" His voice had become a bit more raised, and he immediately dropped it, talking in a heated whisper as he stared at his hands.

"My father was a Death Eater who tortured Muggles... he was sent to Azkaban after beating me and my mother for my entire life.. I got whispers behind my back the moment I was sent off to Hogwarts, 'There goes Barker's kid.. didn't his father just die in Azkaban?' They'd whisper... and treated me like I wasn't worth considering as a human because of what my father had done. When I was thirteen, my mother ran off to America, taking my little sister with her. Leaving a note that only said that she couldn't handle seeing me everyday, because I looked too much like Him." Felix spat the last word in disgust, anger making his fists clench as he spoke in his heated tone.

"So I hated the world, and they hated me... I blamed the 'good guy's, the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs, for their treatment of people who weren't considered good, even if it was just a personality issue." He was shaking again, but he refused to look at her, shaking his head as the alcohol he had consumed loosened his tongue and had him spilling his life story in a circumstance he never would have.

He realized he had spoken his name however, and suddenly he didn't care. In fact he almost wanted her to know what his name was. She was offering to help, she had friends, she had people who might help him out.. but his mind was still mulling over the fact that she had no idea who he was.

"I tried to apologize... to a friend of a woman who I... did bad things to.. I couldn't apologize to the woman because she died of.. unrelated reasons a couple years ago.. I went to apologize to her... she's one of the people who gives the bad guys second chances... she's known for it. She once helped a poltergeist out for years... only to have the man kill the woman I spoke about.. she doesn't give second chances anymore.. I found that out the hard way."

Felix looked up at her, and quoted, something that had stuck in his brain, had made his hope melt, made his soul feel like it was on fire. Made his body ache to think that he had caused so much damage that this woman would say something like that to him. He spoke in a whisper, his face near hers so no one else could hear him even if they were sitting in the next stool over.

"You can pay me back by dying. If you felt my sorrow, you would have done it long ago. And if you ever. Ever. Get near my family again... I will burn you. I will gut you. I will make it so you never even existed. Do you understand, Felix Barker?"

Felix's voice broke on his own name and he shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment, before glancing her over. "If you don't know my name.. I suggest you look it up before you offer me help, Avery... You might find out I'm not worth saving after all.."

Listening was difficult when Avery just wanted to cut him off and assure him that she didn’t care what he had done. No man could truly sit there and profess all of these truths without being honest. Ever since her first year at Durmstrang, she had been the sort to focus on the nonverbal of a conversation. Touches, gestures, glances, expressions. All of it. Anything that could tell her whether or not someone was lying to her or trying to send her in the wrong direction. Shady – Barker – whatever his name was, he was being straight with her. She could feel it in her bones.

His story was easily more heart-breaking than her own, but it struck her in the way that someone with a similar grievance makes you remember your own. As she listened, Avery found herself focusing on the pointless details rather than the important facts. She found herself glad she hadn’t been at Hogwarts to be sorted into Hufflepuff – for that was where she imagined she would have ended up – and thus couldn’t be marked as one of those who treated him poorly due to his past. Due to his father.

“That was your father’s fault, Shady. Not yours. They shouldn’t have put that much grief on a young boy’s shoulders. No wonder you became the man you claim you used to be. Do you think that Pureblood children are just right bastards because they feel like it? They’re taught to be that way, they grow up with it. I mean, not all of them end up that way, but the ones with heavy influence from their families can’t help it. It’s just the same for you.”

He said the name again, she noted, but it still didn’t flip any switches in her brain, or bring up old memories of Prophet articles or wanted posters. She had hardly spent enough time in the real world when it would have mattered, instead having been invested in school, and keeping her head low and silence in tact.

“Felix?” She asked quietly, remembering his desire to keep his name a secret. When he added the first name, a small light had gone on in the back of her mind, bringing forth the image of a headline as well as a few mutterings from students back in school. Avery had heard rumors in passing of a man who killed, who tortured, who didn’t care what the world thought of him. That man seemed so vastly different now that she couldn’t help but give him a sympathetic look once more. “I remember now,” she began slowly, nodding even though he wouldn’t look at her. “I only ever heard of you – I didn’t get details, considering I rarely spoke to anyone. While I don’t… condone what you did, it would be a lie to say that I haven’t seen people with such backgrounds turn their lives around.”

“Apologies are rarely taken well,” she mused aloud, thinking back to her attempt to tell Robin what happened. It had only backfired, making herself and Keiran the enemies in her husband’s mind. “Sure, some people innately accept them, but if the hurt is left for too long, it just festers, gets worse. You said you were gone for years? I could see that hurt settling in that woman, sticking and refusing to budge. That does not mean, however, that you can’t prove yourself. If the world starts to see you differently, those who don’t believe your story now will be hard-pressed to find ways to make your life hard.”

She needed to voice her reasoning, if only just for herself. She had to have a reason for being so very concerned with his future, with helping him. “Maybe-” Avery started, swallowing hard before continuing. “Maybe I can help you, even if I can’t fix my own problems. I mean, I would never promise that I can get you out of this entirely – I do not have near enough power for that. I’m not some important name that everyone knows. I’m just me. But I know people, and those people know people. And at the very least, I can do my damnedest to make your life easier. Even if I can’t dispel the hurt or the charges against you.”

Felix winced when she remembered his name. She knew who he was now... he was honestly prepared to bolt, his body had tensed and his eyes had darted to her, making sure she wasn't pulling out a wand or something. However, she didn't. In fact he couldn't see any malice in her body language or tone. She seemed.. caring, and he could feel his eyes starting to tear up, simply by seeing this person who knew of some of his crimes, knew the pain he had caused, and was still wanting to help him.

"Sorry.. I'm not usually one to cry so often.." He muttered, wiping his eyes on his sleeve with a grimace. "Stupid alcohol.." He growled, glancing at his drink before pausing as she spoke. She knew people, who knew people.. who might be able to help him. It was the kind of thing that could really work well in his favor. If someone else talked to someone else about helping him, he wouldn't have to have direct contact with the person. Essentially...

Felix's mind went into overdrive as he thought about her offer, flicking from one bad circumstance to the next, before the logical side of his brain shut them all down and he was left with nothing but a lingering hope in his chest that refused to be extinguished. If her people talked, and left him out of it, there was no immediate danger to himself, all he had to do was make sure they didn't know where he was staying, and he could disappear in an instant.

Felix's eyes found hers and a small grin spread on his face. "Would you... do that for me? I mean.. you don't have to in any sense of the term.. but... I can't see one problem with it.. I always worry, when I.. approach people, they will turn me in.. in fact I'm very careful with who I approach, well I wasn't exactly meaning to approach you, but I guess I got lucky for the first time." He grinned and patted her leg lightly, before bringing his hand back to the table, aware of how awkward she might find that.

"Your offer is honestly enough to dispel hurt.. just the fact that.. you'd be willing..." He looked at her with a grin again, unable to keep the smile from his face. "It makes me realize that maybe there is still good in the world.. or well, not just good.. there is always good, but maybe there are nice people willing to... help a stranger in need.. if there is anything I can do to help you... in any way, please let me know." He said quietly, leaning towards her and grinning more.

“Tears hardly bother me,” Avery replied with a smile. “I mean, I’ve had my fair share of that over the past several weeks. It’s practically normal now.”

Deciding to shrug it off rather than going into much detail – after all, she had given away far more of herself than she originally planned to – she glanced back at the sandwich she had ordered, realizing that it did not appear as unappealing has it had before. Perhaps being in better spirits had done the trick. Avery started on it again as she looked over at Felix, practically watching the wheels turn in his head as he thought through her words. His smile was actually rather infectious, and Avery found herself giving a smile in return upon finishing the half of the sandwich she had picked up.

“The fact that I don’t have to… just makes me want to help even more.” She offered, pausing only slightly when he reached over. “You may not even have to meet these people until they choose to side with you. If you need to meet them at all. I mean, I won’t promise you anything, really, because I can’t guarantee that they will choose to agree with me. But I- I can try.”

Avery seriously considered his offer to help, but she couldn’t quite find anything that she could ask of him. Instead, her mind jumped to how he would ever know if anything happened on her end. “Um, so if I end up with people who believe you, do you want me to… to send an owl or something? We could use that name I gave you. Or… I don’t know, leave the letters somewhere? I would say you could stop by work or the house, but I daresay you wouldn’t want to do either considering who all will be at the Ministry and the fact that my husband would probably not take kindly to strangers in his home without warning.”

She wasn’t actually all that sure about the second part, but Robin hardly seemed the type to be comfortable with her having Felix over, even if she was trying to keep him out of trouble. He was even more protective after the accident and their finding out about the baby, and she was loathe to set off any arguments or to complicate anything now that they had seemingly settled into an easy, working relationship.

Felix thought it over for a moment before shrugging once. "I see no harm in owls, use the name you gave me, and a different owl each time. I don't stay in one place very long, so tracking the owls will be nearly impossible." He looked a bit nervous as he looked her over and then smiled again. "If it's a problem... I'll owl you... Let's say... a piece of paper with a dog print on it. That'll be from Hyde, my dog, and that's simply to say we need to meet here as soon as possible." 

He smiled, feeling mischievous and happy. He hadn't been in a sort of contact like this in years, and it felt incredible to be getting help from someone. Even a pregnant someone who could very well get him killed. But if she was willing to risk her own life to try and find help for his, then he was going to take it. If it got him killed well... at least he died knowing he had someone on his side.

Felix watched her as she ate again, and couldn't help but keep the smile off his face. It was so great.. knowing there were people in the world who could overlook his crimes, know who he was, and still understand that sometimes people changed. Sometimes things happened that caused a person to be changed even when the world was against them. Felix was one of those, he knew it in his heart, he just had to convince everyone else.