Endeavoring to Believe

Falling onto the barstool she usually claimed when out with her husband (or, indeed, the chair she had claimed when she and Robin were not-quite-dating in the weeks before their wedding), Avery sighed. She had been looking forward to going out with him all day, even knowing that she wasn’t allowed to drink anything alcoholic. Mind, she had heard that a few sips in the early weeks would be fine, but chose not to risk it. Too much had been risked in the past few months for her to consider taking chances on anything this important.

When she actually walked up to the doors of the Leaky, of course, she had received a letter about Robin’s job taking longer than expected. The question wasn’t really what had gone wrong; no, it was more a question of how he had managed to write her while supposedly on a job. Avery shook her head and decided not to question it. At the very least, though, she was already at the Leaky and could get some semblance of food before she went home to wait for him and get some paperwork filled out for the next week. She rarely wanted to get any real work done on the weekends, when she could instead fill her time with friends or her husband. It was always a nice break from work, that was certain.

When the bartender came over, he gave her a look that suggested he thought he recognized her but wasn’t quite sure one way or the other. She, however, definitely remembered him. He was the sort to help a customer rather than letting them get beyond drunk; he had looked out for her over the time she had been popping into the Leaky. “Just a sandwich, please, Jason. And a… yeah, just a water. That’ll do.”

“It’s… Avery, right? Just a water?” He asked, looking slightly perplexed – even to the point of glancing around for her usual companion.

“Yes, well…” She gestured to her stomach, even though she wasn’t showing, and gave him a timid smile. One eyebrow lifted, Jason chuckled in return and nodded. “Robin’s out tonight, but I thought he would make it here in time. I’m just going to grab a bite before I head out.”

“You got it. And congratulations.”

Avery blushed but thanked him when he set a glass in front of her and went off to put in her order. One hand reached out to allow the fingers to dance across the outside of the glass while the other set out her papers. At least she could get something done while sitting there instead of being that sad, silent, bored patron.

Felix had quickly figured out that The Leaky Cauldron was one of the best places to hide in the wizarding world. All he had to do was throw a hood over his head and no one looked at him twice. In fact no one looked at him once. That was how Felix liked it until he could convince the world he wasn't a murdering psychopath any longer. Well.. at least he didn't murder. He couldn't testify to the psychopath stuff, because honestly only a psychopath would have thought he even had a chance of redeeming himself.

Felix walked through the door of The Leaky Cauldron and adjusted his hood before heading to the bar and ordering a firewhiskey. Bartenders came and went, and Felix was familiar with this one. They both had an unspoken agreement that Felix didn't exist. Unless Felix ordered drinks, he didn't speak much to anyone besides two women who sometimes came here with him.

Glancing around, Felix watched as a woman came into the bar and sat about two seats down from him. Ordered a water, and got a congratulations from the bartender. He glanced over and looked her over before smiling weakly. Keeping his head facing forward he spoke. "Congratulations.. how far along are you?" He asked in a gruff voice. He had been practicing the voice for quite some time. A voice that sounded nothing like his regular voice, which was much lighter and less of a bark.

He picked up his drink and sipped it, turning his head just slightly so he could see her out of the corner of his eye, and she could see just a sliver of his face peeking out from behind the hood. "Or is that an inappropriate question?"

(ooc: I set this a little while back if that's alright. It fits the timeline of her getting closer to Mairen. I can change if need be.)

A hooded man sat down a few chairs away, only half drawing Avery's attention as she fished in her purse for a pen to fill out the top form. When he spoke, though, she lifted an eyebrow, turning her head slowly to look at him. Was he even addressing her? He certainly wasn't looking her way. Then again, there wasn't anyone else who appeared to be on the receiving end of a 'congratulations' from a perfect stranger.

Her eyes settled on him as he turned minimally to glance at her around the edge of his hood. "Ten weeks, tomorrow." She supplied lightly, watching him. Avery wasn't sure how much information she wanted to offer, considering she hadn't even technically been introduced or anything. She pursed her lips briefly, not having intended to, before glancing back down at her paperwork.

Avery didn’t really want to be that person that was entirely closed off from those around her, but this man was highly suspicious. He had the rough sort of voice that was sometimes harshly attributed to those who were prone to trouble. It was one of the few times that Robin wasn’t around to offer input into her choices – not that she didn’t appreciate it. He sometimes had better social wit than her typical book smarts, admittedly. One more look at the man to her right and she and taken up her pen again, intending to go back to her business.

When her pen hit the page, though, she realized how rude she was being. “Oh. Um,” she started, glancing over her shoulder at him, “thank you, by the way.”

As if the world was against her going back to work, Jason returned with her sandwich and set it in front of her. “Thanks, Jason. It looks great.” With a slight sigh, she set down her pen, accepting the fact that her work would have to be done later. A few bites into her sandwich she looked over at the stranger again. Turning in her chair she watched him for a moment before tilting her head and deciding to take the potential risk.

“So, what’s with the hood..?”

Felix felt a small smirk grace his lips as the woman turned towards him and asked about the hood. Well he wasn't quite sure how to respond, though the woman looked young enough that probably she didn't even know who he was. Seemed the younger generation had been kept out of the nasty business as the news, especially after children had been involved with his reign of terror.

Felix tilted his head towards her, his lower jaw being the only thing she could visibly make out of his face, and even that was cast into shadow because of the lighting of the room. "Sometimes it helps to disappear from the public eye.. there are people around who wouldn't be too happy to see someone like me enjoying a drink in a pub." He grumbled, tilting his head up just slightly so he could see her, before letting his head turn back towards his drink.

"So what about you? What's with the paperwork? Doesn't really seem like a place people bring their work to.. unless of course you weren't actually thinking you were going to work? Maybe was going to meet someone but they cancelled? Or maybe you just like to work in dingy places full of half-drunk wizards and witches?" He asked with a smirk, lifting his cup to his lips again and drowning the rest of his drink. He tapped the table with his knuckles lightly and pushed the glass forward in front of him, letting the barman come over and fill it back up.

After it was filled he raised it to his lips again, taking a much larger gulp then he meant to, and setting down the glass with a small gasp. "Some say it's too early to drink... but I say let the drinks continue.." He growled, glaring at the glass in his hands. Felix was pretending to be someone much cooler then he was, what with the growling and drinking. Though of course, he really needed the drinks. He had noticed Sophia growing a bit.. distant, and it seriously worried him. No.. more then worried him, he was terrified that she was giving up on him.

He needed someone new, someone exciting, someone he could trust... Sophia had failed him, and he knew this now. Sophia was going to fail him, repeatedly, he needed Christy and.. well.. if she failed, he'd go back to hiding. Somehow maybe that'd be safer.. maybe he'd change his appearance so drastically that no one in their right mind would associate Felix Barker with him.. maybe then he'd be free to walk down the street without feeling like everyone was staring. Felix took another large gulp of his drink, clutching the glass hard, his fingernails white as he tried to keep the shaking of his hands invisible to the woman looking at him.

Avery couldn’t help but wonder after the man’s decision to remain his seemingly mysterious and near-brooding self. At least he was fairly friendly, she mused belatedly, choosing to focus on the good rather than the bad. She had been so focused on the negative side of things lately that it was amazing that she had even opted to speak to this stranger. An eyebrow lifted without her willing it to as the man spoke, and she mentally determined to give him an alias at least for her own silent thoughts. Shady, as she dubbed him (light-heartedly and mostly in jest, admittedly), changed the subject back to Avery before she could spend too long pondering his reply.

A small laugh escaped her lips at his questions, only slightly surprised as he pushed his glass forward to be refilled. “Ah, no. I don’t usually inhabit pubs anymore, considering,” she offered in return, gesturing vaguely to her torso. “My husband had to work, but I got the message a little late. Not his fault, though,” she shrugged, offering a good-natured smile. “I figured now was as good a time as any to work on this. Better than wasting the weekend on it.”

Taking a bite from the sandwich Jason had presented her with, Avery actually grinned at his next words. “Believe me, I agree. If not for the baby, I don’t doubt that I’d be here with my best friend, or with my husband. It’s sort of a habit of ours to drink early. Then again,” she mused, tilting her head to the side, “the best friend is married, too, now… We seem to have lost what time we had to go out.”

A disappointed sigh fell as she shook her head and toyed with the glass sitting in front of her. Avery silently considered asking after his talk of hiding from the public before finally deciding to hang it all and just say something. What would he really do? Jason had his eye on her from the end of the bar, clearly glancing between Avery and Shady. At the very least she had someone who would watch out for her.

“If you don’t mind my asking… What did you mean earlier? You don’t really seem the type to rub people the wrong way. I mean, I get along with people okay, but you seem friendlier than most of this lot.” Avery gestured to the grumpy, silent people scattered around the pub, ignoring those nearby. Shady had actually bothered to make conversation, unlike most people in her vicinity.

Felix felt a stab go through his heart as she spoke. She was kind and gentle, pregnant with a husband, probably well off financially too. She spoke of her husband with fondness, of her friends with sadness for having lost touch. She was normal and pretty and in her right mind. She probably hadn't had a day of hardship in her life. Fell in love early, got married after Hogwarts, got a job, worked for a while, got pregnant when they were ready...

She was so normal it was almost painful for Felix to watch. It was the life he wanted... to go to work and feel accomplished, to sit in a bar with paperwork, grinning and feeling sad that his friends were too busy these days to go out for a drink. It was the life he yearned for.. the life he wanted so desperately it made him almost sick to his stomach.

Felix shifted a bit uncomfortably, and reached up to scratch his nose before picking up his drink and taking another sip of it, letting the burning of the alcohol wake him from his half-stupor, wanting to return to this... normal conversation of a stranger in a pub, being watched over by the bartender who was making sure Felix didn't hurt or harass the lady. Felix nodded once to him with a smile and sipped his drink again, before turning his head a fraction towards the woman as she spoke.

"Oh believe me, lass." He said lightly, smiling and talking in such a way that it was clear his tone was light and friendly. "I've rubbed people the wrong way over the years... I'm used to people being upset with my presence for the most part." He smiled again and sipped his drink, bring it down to half-full with a sour expression and a wince.

"Sadly I can't say who I am.. err.. here anyway.." He said, suddenly getting a slight idea on how he might be able to talk to someone.. someone so normal, it would feel good to know that someone who represented a wonderful section might know who he was and.. not freak out. But he had to be careful.

"I've rubbed some people wrong, done some bad in my life... and I'm trying to make up for it.. one person at a time, unfortunately it's hard when there are still people who would love to get their hands on me.." He grumbled with a small sigh, his voice lowered so much that only Avery would be able to hear him, and just barely at that. "You seem friendly too... hard to come by friendly strangers in pubs.. most would rather keep to themselves and drink on their own.. but you seem.... nice.." He trailed off and downed the rest of his drink, the half that was left disappeared down his throat with a gasp.

He set it down and tapped the table again, grimacing as the bartender filled it back up with a frown. Felix was getting a bit tipsy now, and he brought his hand up over the glass, watching his fingers shaking with a small sense of satisfaction. Even drinking couldn't stabilize the shake that had plagued him for weeks now. His muscles seemed to be in a constant state of agitation and pain, though he did his best to hide it, and the alcohol definitely helped numb it. Felix sighed and tilted his head towards Avery with a small smile.

He lifted his head just slightly so she could get a better view of his face. He was handsome and young, with darkly tanned skin from long exposure in the wilderness. A clean-shaven jaw and pearly white teeth, the only thing outstanding on him was a scar just above his left eye. Other then that, he was young and handsome, and Felix Barker in the flesh, looking almost exactly as he had a few years ago in the papers, albeit a bit more tan and with a more weathered and tired look to his eyes, which were sunken in from time spent in Azkaban, the tan unable to hide the scarred on ashen look his face always cast.

Avery’s eyes followed Shady’s hand as he lifted the drink to his lips once more. It was actually depressing to realize how much she wished she could be doing the same. Memories of the easier times with Robin made her gaze fall to the papers in front of her, if only to keep from allowing the man to see the flash of hurt that passed over her. It wasn’t until he answered that she realized that she perhaps shouldn’t have questioned him.

Who wanted to be reminded of the wrongs they had committed? She certainly knew the feeling of trying to outrun the problems she had created for herself and others. Avery still couldn’t see Millie without tensing and wanting to hide; the blonde was certainly more frightening that one might realize at first glance. Avery was glad that Keiran had her, though, truthfully. Melissa would end up making a better mother than Avery would, surely, but the elder woman couldn’t fault her for it.

Taking a deep breath to push away her thoughts, Avery sat up a bit straighter. He couldn’t say who he was in the pub? Certainly not the best sign, but then, wasn’t Audriana the same way? The woman’s job was secretive in itself, so she had to be quiet about who she was. Death Eaters undoubtedly wanted to get rid of her most days; she wasn’t exactly the most helpful when she went around scaring them and stealing back what they had snatched. Avery had to admit that she was impressed by Audriana’s bravery, but the brunette hadn’t been sorted into Gryffindor for nothing.

Shady continued, drawing her attention back as he finished explaining. He didn’t seem fully stable, but Avery wasn’t about to chide him for it – the last time she had been drunk, she’d managed to do something far worse than talking to a stranger about past wrongs. No, indeed, she had committed a wrong so grave that her best friends hadn’t spoken to her for weeks. Her husband hadn’t even glanced her way for days, not to mention his refusing to speak to her or go near her until the accident.

“I understand,” she admitted quietly, fingers running over the bar top and grazing back and forth over the nicks and indentions left there by past patrons. “I have done some things that even my best friend doesn’t know about. I mean, I told my husband and it took him a good twenty-four hours to even speak to me again. Then again,” she clarified belatedly, “we had already been in a fight at that point.”

Of course, she wasn’t about to explain that she was referring to the time that she tore her own family apart at the seams. He didn’t want to know, and he didn’t need to know, the extent of her failures. When she explained it all to Robin, it was right after everything else had fallen to pieces – admittedly, not the best time. But then, it had felt right in the moment. How often did you find reason to tell a story like that? Like the idiot that she was, Avery had told Robin about the fight with Claire, as well as everything that had gone wrong in the families she cared about… because of her. If not for the kiss and the death of Keiran’s father (the man she had chosen to replace her own), maybe Robin would have been more open to listening and trying to understand.

Instead, he had let her deal with his silence and lack of comfort over the death and the story for an entire day, if not longer.

Sighing, Avery realized that her sandwich no longer looked as appealing as alcohol did. But that couldn’t happen. She had been attacked, nearly killing the child before they knew about her, and Avery refused to make another stupid mistake. With the knowledge that Robin would chide her for not eating (again), Avery lifted the sandwich and took another bite, glancing up just in time to see Shady turn and look at her.

Aside from his scar, he seemed almost normal. Maybe a bit sad. But then, she probably seemed that way herself considering she was still getting over the week and a half where she slept less than three hours a night and almost never ate. Hardly the worst story someone could tell, and no-where near as bad as other people had to deal with. She knew that. It didn’t stop her from looking back on that time with a shiver, though.

“I’m glad I come off that way, though,” she added finally, pushing a section of hair out of her face so she could try and meet his eyes. “Lately I haven’t been entirely sure. It's been better, admittedly. But when things seem wrong, they just... keep getting worse, y'know?"

Felix couldn't help but feel a stab of jealousy towards this woman. The woman who seemed sad cause she hadn't told something to her best friend, and her husband had gotten angry with her and not spoken to her for sometime. It was the good life to him. To have complications that centered around emotion and feelings, and other people. Her problems seemed so.. trivial and almost happy in a way. They were normal problems, problems that made him want to smile and grimace at the same time. They were problems he wanted to have.. he wanted to be angry at someone other then himself. He wanted to have a best friend who was aware of everything.

He watched her as she thought, and then finally took a bite, having hesitated before doing so. He smiled slightly as he watched her. Wanting to help her with her worries, but also afraid of putting more burden on her then he meant to. Except.. she saw his face. Not only that, she got a full view of his face, and she didn't even flinch, didn't move, didn't recognize him.

Maybe time really did mend wounds... if she hadn't freaked out from the site of him.. then maybe he could talk to this woman.. make a friend in a world that was full of anger and hostility towards him. Felix felt a small sad smile cross his lips at her words and he nodded once. "Yes.. when things go bad.. they go really bad..." He said slowly, carefully lifting his drink to his lips again, keeping his eyes on her as he did.

"If.. I know this might sound weird, especially since I don't even know you, and er.. well.. I think I'm getting towards drunk, but if there is something I can do to help." He said lightly, lifting his glass slightly with a bitter smile and hiding his face again, letting the hood come down over it as he continued to sip his drink. Hopefully the guise of being drunk would help him understand better what it was like to be normal. She hadn't recognized him, which honestly was really good. If she had, he probably would have had to run... but instead he was just another face in a vast majority of faces.

He couldn't help but smile at his drink as he thought about it, it was all so.. normal here. Talking to a stranger in a pub and getting to know each other for no other reason to know each other. He wished dearly he could tell her his name, except there were too many people around, and any one of them could overhear if he said it aloud. Might as well use a fake name, but even then he got a bit nervous about using it too often and being associated with that name more then his own.

Finally, someone seemed willing to let her start over, seemed to accept the bad side that Avery tried to keep hidden. Perhaps, in time, these two wouldn’t be strangers, and he would be the second person to learn the whole story. Even Keiran didn’t know the entire truth – just the careful version she had presented in university but hadn’t had the heart to correct or clarify later.

Avery’s head lifted suddenly at his sort of offer to do what he could to help, surprised that he thought her story something even worth worrying after. He had to have heard a more important or more painful story, and undoubtedly hers didn’t even rank in the top ten. She hadn’t even explained everything fully or to the extent that she had for Robin. Her brow furrowed slightly, lips parting as she grappled for words. Tipsy or not, this man was showing her more compassion than anyone had in ages.

Her heart softened, easily recalling his talking about his own complicated story. He couldn’t tell her his name, yet he was seemingly open to trying to fix this troubled woman he had just met. Avery almost didn’t believe it; the world seemed too cynical and dark for people to truly care about strangers. Yet, here the perfect example sat.

“I know you said you couldn’t give me your name,” she started quietly, not exactly wanting to draw any attention from those who might comment on the strangeness. “The thing is, though, it doesn’t matter here. I appreciate the concern, because few who know the story seem to have any. I don’t think, though,” Avery continued slowly, “that my problems are something you need to spend time on. I’m sure there are people who could use the help more than I could.”

Shaking her head again, she shoved the papers into a stack and set the pen atop them. “You, for example, can’t even say your own name. How is that fair? Time changes things, surely, and my friend will forgive me, and my husband will learn to accept my past without flinching each time it is mentioned. But I am not forced to wear cloaks or talk to strangers in a pub for lack of someone who understands. My husband was supposed to be here, so this wasn’t me lacking something to do.”

Realizing how her words could be perceived, Avery clarified quickly. “I don’t mean to come off as, I don’t know, cold or like I’m better than you in some way. I mean, I managed to ruin things for myself, but I can’t imagine being alone. As much as your concern means, I’d sooner help you than make you sit through me complaining about my past or the problems I have with my family.”

Felix glanced towards her with a smile, allowing her to see his face once more, allowing her to see the flash of white teeth, and the way the smile seemed to light up the otherwise sad and empty eyes. Eyes that were much to young and had seen too much. He watched her with a look that was a mixture of surprise and kindness, and the smile still graced his lips as she spoke.

"Never in my life... have I met someone who's problems weren't important." He said slowly, and honestly that was true. It just so happened he used the smallest problems before, as torture devices, finding out what hurt and poking a stick in it, so to speak. Now however... he understood what it meant, to want to help others. It was like a physical ache in his chest, he wanted her to understand, wanted her to know.. and was terrified of her finding out.

"My problems were created by myself and nothing more... I ruined my life from the moment I was born, and can do nothing to change that." He sent another small smile in her direction, picking up his drink again and downing half of it in an attempt to clear his brain, but only succeeding in making it more foggy. "My name is a curse... a weapon, and if you were to know it, you wouldn't be showing me the compassion you are.." He stopped for a moment, before glancing her way.

"My past is a mix of terrible deeds, followed by even more terrible deeds... things I did for myself, for my pleasure, and to feed my own insanity... I've been.. hiding for years, feeling nothing more then guilt and remorse and pain for my actions... I've come to realize that every human life is important.. even if they don't appear to be so." He carefully glanced down at her belly before looking back up at her.

"Everyone's pain is important... but I have done nothing to deserve the compassion of a stranger.." He smiled again and carefully reached out, sliding his hand across the distance between them, he rested it on her shoulder with a small smile.

"I am alone because of what I've done to myself.. nothing more... you are kind and gentle.. and incredibly normal, I am almost jealous of you.." Felix's tongue had been greased by the alcohol, and he no longer knew what he was saying, in fact he was rambling on, going further and further into detail he didn't want to be let known.

"You are a kind woman with a heart of compassion who messed up... but your actions can be redeemed.. I envy you... you would not think me worth redemption if you knew what I had done..." He looked down with a frown, and quite clearly a small tear leaked down his cheek and splashed down on the countertop as he moved his hand back to his own area, and he wiped his cheek lightly, staring at his shaking hands for a moment before glancing her way.

"I apologize.. I did not mean to go so far into detail about my life.." He said slowly, before shaking his head and picking up his glass, downing the rest of it and setting it down, tapping the bar again and setting his shaking hands on the counter beside the now full glass, trying to stop the shaking that was making his body hurt.